LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

Strong Stamina

It all comes in waves;

you just have to know how to swim,

and most importantly,

to build stamina to swim

in its opposite direction !!

(23rd Sept, 2022)

Quote of the day

PC- Unknown

A friendly reminder to everyone. ❤💫

Isolation lover- A born loner.

PC- UNKNOWN.

One of my biggest problems n biggest blessings is that I never fit in, since my very childhood. I can be jovial n polite with all but I have never been involved in any group, be it in school, college or work; AND I love my life this way. I don’t feel like I am missing out on something by not getting involved with any kind of group, rather I feel good because I stay away from a lot of groupist biases, and mental and behavioural inhibitions.

A Distant Connection

This connection is pure,

now I am sure..

Never demanded

Unlike other soul sucking experiences,

Into my cup, you pour,

as I ever did to you;

with all the stumbles and disconnections in between;

sometimes it feels obscure,

sometimes it feels pure,

leaving either of us

Sometimes unbothered

Sometimes wanting for more.

Digital Art: Escaping through the loops

Digital Art by Preet

Amen

Dear God/Beloved Universe,

If you can’t give me a true lover for life, please give me 1 billion dollar and a few helpers and assistants. They say money can’t buy happiness; I will prove them how money gives immense happiness. And It doesn’t mean I won’t feel sadness ever, but feeling sad, sitting at a couch, in a luxurious penthouse still feels better. Remember, I never feel that any amount of money is enough money, so I always prefer more and more.

And yes, If you have planned to give me a true lover for life, I still want that money.

Yours faithfully,

Tired (of every confused person) Soul.

Randomly

When I close my eyes, I see you;

When I open my eyes, I miss you.

(Written in 2014) (Not dedicated to anyone)

Are you really an Over-Thinker??

People who have the tendency to or the habit of jumping to conclusions often call and categorise themselves as ‘Over-Thinkers‘. I am sorry to break it to you lovely people, but, you are not Over-thinkers; you are actually ‘Under-thinkers‘.

Over-thinking barely has to do with jumping to conclusions without collecting all the sufficient facts of the situation and without considering all the necessary facets of that situation/event. Over-thinkers, in fact, re-consider all the facts and facets of anything despite having readily available conclusions, in front of them, drawn by someone else.

STAY AWAKE

A poem that I had written in 2018.

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