A price to pay to make believe.

“Being bruised by the nectar of love-

Is it possible??”

“I will make everything possible for you.”

That was their love. He could do anything for her, even hurt her, if she could not believe in that possibility. He wanted to make believe.

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

What is the real deal with a narcissistic psychopath?

You may have met a few people in life who become irrational from time to time, it’s pretty normal as we all tend to be frustrated from daily hassles and act out irrationally as a result; but narcissistic psychopathy is much more than that. A narcissistic psychopath is very weak mentally.

A mentally weak person or psychopath will always try to bring you down upon being rejected or criticized even if you do it in a healthy way. The motive may range from attention seeking to vengeance. You may have moved on from the past hurt and are living on your own terms, but such a person cannot see that, thus by hook or by crook tries to affect you, if a positive way is not possible for him as you know his pattern of Imposing his so called help to you in order to make you his puppet later on, then it is done negatively through GASLIGHTING i.e. Using Fake Identity and Using Other People to instill a negative thought in you and instigate a reaction from you which in front of other people makes you look like a psychopath. Sometimes, or say mostly, the psychopath will call you a psychopath through those Fake Identities or Accounts, so that you react to it. When you react in any way, the psychopath’s motive gets fulfilled i.e. to feel effective/influencial by hook or by crook. Keep this in mind that psychopaths do not know fair play. They just want to fulfil their motives which are driven by irrational desires only. They do not have fixed principles. Even if they preach principles most of the times, more than 2/3rd of the times, it is just preaching without practice whereas if you preach any principle, they will test you on it over n over again, that too by trying those means through which you may stumble or divert from your principled path.

In lending help, basically the idea is to invest with one help to get emotional drama from you as a debenture over n over again because it satiates the inner void of a psychopath.

In testing you, the idea is to make others compare him with you, so that he can feel like a better one which he himself is not assured, as psychopaths are never self-assured, they mostly need other’s approval or praise and mostly do what is socially praise-worthy.

And, just in case he cannot do that on his own i.e. prove himself to be better than you then he will compare you with other people on quite irrelevant traits. You can feel that it is being done to downgrade or demean you. Or the psychopath will find a partner who would be Better Than You. Keep in mind the word *better* here.

In case you have dealt with that psychopath a lot of times and tried your best to avoid him, then the abovesaid methods will be repeated over and over again whenever the psychopath finds out that you are doing good in life or when you are at your lowest, because in both the cases psychopath can affect you. It’s just when you are doing average, the psychopath has nothing to do with you because at such a point he can think of him as the better one.

Last but not the least, a psychopath cannot leave you and it is not out of love or empathy, it is purely out of selfish motives of unfulfilled desire of controlling you. BREAKING YOUR PERMANENTLY SET BOUNDARIES EMPOWERS A NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATH, EITHER POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY, BUT THE ULTIMATE MOTIVE IS ALWAYS TO FEEL A CONTROL OVER YOU, AND/OR YOUR SURROUNDINGS AND YOUR LIFE. And when he fails in those motives, then his pity party begins to gain sympathy from his known ones that he is a good person who is only trying to help whereas you are the rude and arrogant one who could never understand him or his helpful advances, so that, either way, it’s a lost battle for you, either he will control you or you are the bad one.

ADVICE: Choose to let him make you the bad one or call you a psycho through fake accounts as it is a very little price to pay for living a life on your own terms uncontrolled by the same psychopath. Even if you lose certain people in the process, know that they were never your people, they were that psychopath’s acquaintances or flying monkeys only, losing whom is actually going to prove to be another relief for you in the long term.

If you will make him taste his own medicine, once in a while, trust me, you will attract a good amount of such instances in the future and it will become a never ending battle in which either you will lose most of the times or you will end up being a psychopath yourself. Though, do not be afraid to talk about your experiences openly as much as you want to. Exposing a narcissistic psychopath is crucial as it can help those in understanding the reality who were brain-washed by the narcissist and were helping him in innocense or compulsion. Once you know that your boundaries are being broken under the guise of goodness or through any negative tactic, never trust that person and try to keep a distance everywhere as much as possible, although you will be chased to be controlled, still RUN AWAY.

Need to unfuck..

I have seen your five hundred shades of fuckedupness,

But I am sure you have five thousand more,

I’d love to seize the opportunity to know,

Not just for the sake of knowing

But for removing anything about you

From my mind that’s obscure;

Believe me, I don’t want to take your burdens,

I have many of my own,

I just want to uncage you

From the bounds of your own mind,

I want to bury the seeds of love,

Water them with care

So that we can reap the eternal love that is sown.

Mind gripped.

That one tip tracing my every nerve

Pushing me closer to the heaven

Leaving a trail

Making a map

Of his desire

Over my flushed skin

And ruling my mind

Leaving between us

no gap..

Holistic neutrality.

It’s not about a single race,

A single person,

A single place,

It’s more about the power in the wrong hands,

That many go through unsafe periods of even personal space;

“Power does corrupt

Absolute power corrupts absolutely”,

Laski was right..

If you ask me

there is no single ideology alone

That can lead and develop the world,

Holistic approach can only save us

Against this corruptive fight.

Toxic feminism.

Bravo to the toxic feminism and toxic feminists !

You are bound to be praising them all the time,

Not critizing a degree of any sick behaviour,

Even if you stand for your valid rights,

Speaking and showing up

For what you think

And what you want,

You are their enemy, women hater, you can’t raise your voice,

Nope ! You can’t !

Right when it hits the nerves of one,

It’s bound to make each one of their stomach churn

With ego and rage

Off to be shown on stage,

“We the women power

Out of men’s atrocities

Still bound in the biased mental cage.

We won’t let a woman talking out of the group,

Will try to shun her voice,

And show our toxic mentality

At the slightest hint of out-group activity on or off stage.”

Sun loves black.

My ancestors were abandoned

While you were in mirth,

You took us like slaves

Right from the birth,

We couldn’t grasp the reason as to why

We are always looked down upon by every eye,

We shine in the strength-physical, mental, emotional but done

when it comes to social, we are the matter of fun,

You jeopardized us

Many ages witnessed

Just because we make

More melanin under the sun??

Love.

Love never lies,

Love is not blind..

This is a blessing,

Only one of its kind.

Miss__communicated.

Honestly, I am more disappointed with myself rather than disappointed with him for taking him as having good intentions at last, despite knowing the reality of his character for years.

Some dynamics stay the same,

Don’t blame the events,

When energy can be nothing but the same,

Forgiveness is a good virtue

Not for those having no sense of accountability

Or who just like to slip away

without any apology

They are toxic

No matter if you wanted to keep them close

Or if you did let them stay away.