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Paradox.

My sense of independence is my biggest fetter

I rebel where most people won’t

And cooperate where most people don’t

Because I want something different

Different from what they know n what they are used to

I want something unexplored

Where they will never let me go n do what I intend to do

So I stay away

Pushing everyone away

Because I want to breath, think, feel and do everything freely

As you can’t control air

And if you do it turns into a storm

I do the same

And break every chain to stay free

But my sense of freedom fetters me

It doesn’t let me come close to anyone

Bcz I don’t want to be controlled with their judgements

I just want to live n love freely.

INSIDIOUS.

They took the skin of those who shed it long ago,

They gulped the venom of those who spitted it on the ground,

They did not even have the filth of their own

Just emptiness

Mere void

That they could fill with every iota of rubbish they could collect

And when it became very sluggish for them to move with that burden

Their vertebrae made them dance on the tunes of those

Whose demons could drive them crazy with a loud pitch of a certain tune

They felt dizzy,

so much in haze

That they could not recognize who they were and are anymore

They kept on dancing to those tunes

Until they needed to shed that borrowed skin

And gulp that vemon they were so desperately trying to spit at somebody else,

Those were the snakes,

Unseen

Unheard

Unknown

Until they began break dancing and finally breaking their own fragile structures,

Ending up into nothing

Just vanishing from the sight

Like they never existed

And that was true

They never had any existence worthwhile,

Charmed by anything

And rotten by themselves,

This was their life

And only this was their destiny that could be true.

Behavioural differences-mistakes and faults.

The difference in maturity shows here;

If they say that something is disturbing to them, I stop doing that stuff and apologise,

Whereas if they find that something is disturbing to me(certain behaviour,certain words,emojis), they do it over and over again, sometimes out of habit and sometimes to tease (cheap thrills), apology is a far off thing; and even if an apology is offered, the same behaviour begins after an interval of time and they demand forgiveness over and over again without learning anything from the previous ones. Definitely, mistake can be forgiven but faulty behaviour stuck in personality cannot be forgiven or ignored.

And then they wonder why am I not interested in keeping such people close to me. Certainly, I want people of the same maturity level close to me.

Loud n clear.

When I talk about efforts

I also talk about words,

The way you express what you feel for me,

The words you will be using will let me know

What I mean to you,

the way I express what you mean to me,

Very clearly,

I am done with guessing game

If nothing is said

Nothing is meant to be said by thee.

Zapped words.

I hope my silence speaks

Because my words are never enough.

My ground.

Show me something different,

To get something different,

How many times the behaviour needs to move in circles??

Karmic bonds, I get that are hard to go away from,

So were mine,

Did I never love any of them??

I did !

I did love them to the core of my heart.

It took me to shred it to pieces

And collect it completely once again.

I get what you may be going through

I cannot deny the depth of your love for somebody else,

Nor the depth of her love for you.

But

I know something that is true,

He loves her more than ever you will do,

Just like I love you.

Loyalty speaks a lot,

Waiting for somebody for months and year speaks a lot,

Respectinh someone,

their boundaries

and understanding their feelings

Again speak a lot.

And I am not saying all this just because I want you,

I am saying this out of experience.

Shit happens. It happens a lot.

I can understand that.

Even if you won’t be with her,

I am not going to think that you are mine.

I require a lot from somebody,

Literally the whole of him,

And if you cannot stand your ground for long

And if you cannot be your own

How can you ever be mine,

And I am not interested in

Standing there in this place empty handed

Calling myself your when you cannot say you are mine.

A price to pay to make believe.

“Being bruised by the nectar of love-

Is it possible??”

“I will make everything possible for you.”

That was their love. He could do anything for her, even hurt her, if she could not believe in that possibility. He wanted to make believe.

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

What is the real deal with a narcissistic psychopath?

You may have met a few people in life who become irrational from time to time, it’s pretty normal as we all tend to be frustrated from daily hassles and act out irrationally as a result; but narcissistic psychopathy is much more than that. A narcissistic psychopath is very weak mentally.

A mentally weak person or psychopath will always try to bring you down upon being rejected or criticized even if you do it in a healthy way. The motive may range from attention seeking to vengeance. You may have moved on from the past hurt and are living on your own terms, but such a person cannot see that, thus by hook or by crook tries to affect you, if a positive way is not possible for him as you know his pattern of Imposing his so called help to you in order to make you his puppet later on, then it is done negatively through GASLIGHTING i.e. Using Fake Identity and Using Other People to instill a negative thought in you and instigate a reaction from you which in front of other people makes you look like a psychopath. Sometimes, or say mostly, the psychopath will call you a psychopath through those Fake Identities or Accounts, so that you react to it. When you react in any way, the psychopath’s motive gets fulfilled i.e. to feel effective/influencial by hook or by crook. Keep this in mind that psychopaths do not know fair play. They just want to fulfil their motives which are driven by irrational desires only. They do not have fixed principles. Even if they preach principles most of the times, more than 2/3rd of the times, it is just preaching without practice whereas if you preach any principle, they will test you on it over n over again, that too by trying those means through which you may stumble or divert from your principled path.

In lending help, basically the idea is to invest with one help to get emotional drama from you as a debenture over n over again because it satiates the inner void of a psychopath.

In testing you, the idea is to make others compare him with you, so that he can feel like a better one which he himself is not assured, as psychopaths are never self-assured, they mostly need other’s approval or praise and mostly do what is socially praise-worthy.

And, just in case he cannot do that on his own i.e. prove himself to be better than you then he will compare you with other people on quite irrelevant traits. You can feel that it is being done to downgrade or demean you. Or the psychopath will find a partner who would be Better Than You. Keep in mind the word *better* here.

In case you have dealt with that psychopath a lot of times and tried your best to avoid him, then the abovesaid methods will be repeated over and over again whenever the psychopath finds out that you are doing good in life or when you are at your lowest, because in both the cases psychopath can affect you. It’s just when you are doing average, the psychopath has nothing to do with you because at such a point he can think of him as the better one.

Last but not the least, a psychopath cannot leave you and it is not out of love or empathy, it is purely out of selfish motives of unfulfilled desire of controlling you. BREAKING YOUR PERMANENTLY SET BOUNDARIES EMPOWERS A NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATH, EITHER POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY, BUT THE ULTIMATE MOTIVE IS ALWAYS TO FEEL A CONTROL OVER YOU, AND/OR YOUR SURROUNDINGS AND YOUR LIFE. And when he fails in those motives, then his pity party begins to gain sympathy from his known ones that he is a good person who is only trying to help whereas you are the rude and arrogant one who could never understand him or his helpful advances, so that, either way, it’s a lost battle for you, either he will control you or you are the bad one.

ADVICE: Choose to let him make you the bad one or call you a psycho through fake accounts as it is a very little price to pay for living a life on your own terms uncontrolled by the same psychopath. Even if you lose certain people in the process, know that they were never your people, they were that psychopath’s acquaintances or flying monkeys only, losing whom is actually going to prove to be another relief for you in the long term.

If you will make him taste his own medicine, once in a while, trust me, you will attract a good amount of such instances in the future and it will become a never ending battle in which either you will lose most of the times or you will end up being a psychopath yourself. Though, do not be afraid to talk about your experiences openly as much as you want to. Exposing a narcissistic psychopath is crucial as it can help those in understanding the reality who were brain-washed by the narcissist and were helping him in innocense or compulsion. Once you know that your boundaries are being broken under the guise of goodness or through any negative tactic, never trust that person and try to keep a distance everywhere as much as possible, although you will be chased to be controlled, still RUN AWAY.