Exam on a rainy day-A Childhood Memory

One of my favourite memories of childhood is, going for an exam on a rainy day.

Why??

Because of the following reasons:

1. Freshness of air and the smell of the earth on a rainy day just calms the anxiety to a great extent, and it used to do so back then as well.

2. Mess as well as joy it used to create amongst kids. More squeeling and screaming with joy than the usual. 😂

3. Cool breeze and cool weather makes me think better, and it used to back then as well.

4. No morning assembly. What a relief !! It means lesser physical movement and thus more energy stored that could be used in writing AND more time to revise last minute. Literally no mental distraction.

5. Rain usually makes me happy-happy right from my very childhood. 💃💃💃💃💃

Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

Something constant.

I don’t need reasons to be happy, I need reasons to be sad or depressed and I never go on looking for those reasons. That’s why I avoid most people. I am a happy, productive and entertaining person basically but outside energy always (and I really mean ALWAYS) becomes a block or a shadow over my positive n optimistic personality, and then I cannot get rid of it for weeks or months. I have traumas that I still haven’t talked about to a single person on earth (literally nobody even if a few of you know many of my secrets, still there are some things I never tell anyone; neither family, nor bestest of friends in the past nor even a therapist) but I know really well how to give it my all to my future rather than sulking in the past. Attachments happen but I can easily get rid of it, basically being a detached person. Failures happen but I usually have 2-3 more plans after that. My life flows generally as I expect it to. But outside energy always happens to be a block or a shadow over my positives. If I keep any person away, he/she has directly or indirectly added blocks in my life. Why would anyone think that I’d like to invite the same kind of energy in my life again??? I really am not interested in Jumping in the mud or letting people throw it at me and then waste my time n energy in cleaning myself of it whereas the best option always is to look at it, ignore and avoid it and move forward. I don’t know how other people’s mind work, but if they don’t get this basic thing, then it’s completely their problem. I want to keep somebody close who can be equally positive, clear-minded and productive, provided I have not seen the otherwise in them in the past, although everybody can change into the former kind but probability is uncertain to me, and I avoid uncertainty now. I don’t want somebody to give me anything or to add anything to my life, be it happiness or love or anything materialistic. I just want AN EQUAL who knows how to take care of himself, can be happy on his own, manage well his possessions, be productive most of the time, love by heart n soul, has got rid of his past traumas or wounds and related defence mechanisms (although more or less those defences always stay there but it can be dealt with sensibly) and is very clear about what he wants from me, from himself, his career n life in general, so that we can thrive together rather than any of us being a burden on the other. PURE PARTNERSHIP, NEITHER OWNERSHIP NOR PARENT-CHILD DYNAMIC.

(Written and first published on 9th October, 2020)

LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

Meditation- fancy enough for you??

People hype so much about meditation in terms of taking a separate time for it, maintaining a posture, eyes closed etc. etc. that it’s almost impossible for them to comprehend that someone can be in a constant state of meditation without doing a specific set of actions and postures for maintaining that state. Meditation is all about deep breathing, clarity of thoughts, and mindfulness. If you are just obsessed with its trendy and fancy part, then you are just a ball of mess with a veil of spirituality over you, which will not serve you or anyone else in the long run.

Meditation, mindfulness, spirituality, soul connection to oneself- They all begin and stay inside of one’s mind.

Don’t fool yourself and others.

Isolation lover- A born loner.

PC- UNKNOWN.

One of my biggest problems n biggest blessings is that I never fit in, since my very childhood. I can be jovial n polite with all but I have never been involved in any group, be it in school, college or work; AND I love my life this way. I don’t feel like I am missing out on something by not getting involved with any kind of group, rather I feel good because I stay away from a lot of groupist biases, and mental and behavioural inhibitions.

Amen

Dear God/Beloved Universe,

If you can’t give me a true lover for life, please give me 1 billion dollar and a few helpers and assistants. They say money can’t buy happiness; I will prove them how money gives immense happiness. And It doesn’t mean I won’t feel sadness ever, but feeling sad, sitting at a couch, in a luxurious penthouse still feels better. Remember, I never feel that any amount of money is enough money, so I always prefer more and more.

And yes, If you have planned to give me a true lover for life, I still want that money.

Yours faithfully,

Tired (of every confused person) Soul.

Randomly

When I close my eyes, I see you;

When I open my eyes, I miss you.

(Written in 2014) (Not dedicated to anyone)

Ideal Partner. Random #1

Be with someone who would never make you feel like a failure but also someone who would go miles with you for your success as well. Going miles with you have nothing to do with doing your part of the work, but moving along with you while you do it for yourself. Also, expect such a partner only if you are willing to be That Person for them as well.

It is said that ambitious people have only two options- A supportive partner or No partner at all, and I can’t agree more.

Quote spoiled

Quote: You are gonna miss the girl who _______.

He: “Naah..”

“Not me.”

“NEVER”

Literally Cursed

Tomorrow’s tomorrow is not over-morrow,

Tomorrow’s tomorrow is tomorrow’s over-morrow’s yesterday.

I am cursed to take the long route. 🙄

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