FREE AS FUCK !!

I can only tell how much free I feel now

Free to speak up my mind

Free to act my heart out

Free to love anyone I want to

Free to choose what to make my life about,

Shackled I felt

For a really long time

To soothe someone’s ego

To soothe one’s mind,

Out of respect I did it so wrong

That I cared about one’s selfishness

made my freedom in those shackles grind.

Bound in liberation.

A sigh of relief left my lips

When your lips suckled on my neck

Was it a moment of liberation

Or was it a moment of being bound

I kept on thinking

But found the answer in feelings.

Contradiction.

The higher the ego,

The more it is difficult to love truly.

Only if you could listen to my heart,

It still beats your name.

You are the only key to my ever locked heart.

THE ONE.

Betwixt the surprises and surmises,

He will be the one who will stand strong with me,

Always and forever,

No matter how life throws dices.

My ground.

Show me something different,

To get something different,

How many times the behaviour needs to move in circles??

Karmic bonds, I get that are hard to go away from,

So were mine,

Did I never love any of them??

I did !

I did love them to the core of my heart.

It took me to shred it to pieces

And collect it completely once again.

I get what you may be going through

I cannot deny the depth of your love for somebody else,

Nor the depth of her love for you.

But

I know something that is true,

He loves her more than ever you will do,

Just like I love you.

Loyalty speaks a lot,

Waiting for somebody for months and year speaks a lot,

Respectinh someone,

their boundaries

and understanding their feelings

Again speak a lot.

And I am not saying all this just because I want you,

I am saying this out of experience.

Shit happens. It happens a lot.

I can understand that.

Even if you won’t be with her,

I am not going to think that you are mine.

I require a lot from somebody,

Literally the whole of him,

And if you cannot stand your ground for long

And if you cannot be your own

How can you ever be mine,

And I am not interested in

Standing there in this place empty handed

Calling myself your when you cannot say you are mine.

Oneness and need.

If you cannot understand me,

Just know how difficult it is to be

For a flower to live with fire within

That is it,

This is me,

I know I have, to grow, a room;

And I know in my heart,

That the fiery one can be one with me

Like we are an inseparable whole,

But for the time being I need somebody

Who has the nature like water

That can only make me bloom.

Unhealed wounds, issues, and reasons..

What fucks me up a lot is if I do not give my 100% to something or someone, even on 90%, I am worthless, whereas if the other person even gives 10% more from 0 or 10% to 10% or 20%, then that person is valuable. Those who even compare don’t know what they think about, like they never evaluate each and everything related to somebody in the past, they just consider the current vibes and let it make them their decision. Don’t be so biased even if you love to compare. And then I feel like I was never meant to be valued. I had begun feeling like it was only in my mind but really, I have seen this pattern a lot of the times(even since childhood). One good deed by somebody else makes them the best because they maintained a level of disappointment most of the times whereas one disappointment from me makes me the worst one despite not letting myself disappoint them in the past continually for a long time. And when it happens a lot of the times, this bias, it takes the best of me, and then I break down mentally completely; heartbreak alongwith mental breakdown feels devastating or nothing at all, it’s either hell lot of anxiety and depression together or complete shut down and numbness. Then, I don’t know what do I have to do in even the easiest of situations. Every wrong, big or small, tends to trigger irritability and acute anger which only I know how hard is to control. I have always been edgy from the inside and I think I can never show that except to my own family. It feels like I am psychotic angry, which I know I am not, because as deeply n intensely I feel, I can never show what it is; you may say it’s a kill or be killed kind of anger, I don’t know anything lesser than that. I control it, and become more frustrated. But the reasons given above trigger it every single time and it’s because I have abandonment issues for the same reason and those wounds open up every time and I don’t even know the reasons of the other side else than that their behaviours are inherently biased.

Waiting for the beauty of life. 💞☯️💐

I cannot tell how much I feel the need to know new people, some good and lively energy. The people among whom you can set your own worth standards and they actually meet them; people with whom you can talk freely about anything and everything, and even silence feels very comfortable; people with whom you can roam around freely not having any hard and fast rule about what “kind” of place you like or not; people with whom you can go for meals in your night suit or maybe cook one together; people with whom you don’t feel judged for being completely yourself as weird, strange or awkward; people to whom your history doesn’t matter but those who still consider past and future and do not be fickle by staying only in the “now” or “in the moment”; people who know the meaning of real reciprocity, and do not only brag about what they do for you rather be acknowledging and thankful for what you do for them as well; people who love to learn and are curious to learn to love are my kind of people that I am so eagerly waiting for.

High fever 😐

Who needs alcohol when you can be high most of the times for no reason..

High on thinking

High of emotions

High on adrenaline

High on anxiety

High on love

High on knowing the unknown.