(Not) A Secret..

A deep long kiss

From my love,

Back caress,

This is the only way sometimes

The cure for my anxiety n stress.

Their completely unreasonable behaviour making me feel helpless-Family Frustration.

Do you ever feel completely annoyed and helpless because of your own family?? What if anything if ever you ask them to do is take care of themselves properly?? If one of them is unwell, that one does not allow you, (I mean it, DOES NOT ALLOW YOU) to take care of them, although you know they are unwell because they appear to be so and they themselves tell you that.

They do not change their ways. They will do Completely unnecessary physical work like going to the park at the noon time when it’s quite dry n hot weather, although they may have been going through dehydration. They do not eat properly, nor take nutrition supplements, and say that it’s hard for them to eat as their stomach(digestive system) is not allowing them to eat anything, AND still do not seek medical help from any good doctor. They do not drink water properly. They do not take proper rest staying at home, NOPE, staying at home is a big issue for them, no matter how caring you become or how lovingly you tell them to take proper rest and nutrition.

It is stubborn AF behaviour. They do not consider your life at all. They do not even think once how much stress it gives you, probably to the point of severe depression after which you just become occupied mentally with their well-being only, and cannot do what you need to do about your own life, although they do the dramebaazi all the time that they love you. I don’t think that they love you at all, all they seek is they be considered an unsung hero who lost their life for you, loving you only immensely and never cared about their own health, despite the fact that it’s you who has always been concerned about their health and take care of yourself properly so that they do not have to go through any such mental pressure or depression.

Upon confrontation what they say is “do not care about me”. You think that it is possible that whom you love, you would not care about them or their health?? Can you think how much heaviness you feel mentally because of such ignorant and immature behaviour?? I cannot describe enough how much helpless you can feel in such a situation when they create a whole bunch of problems and mental anxiety and depression in you which would not have happened just in case they would take care of themselves like a Normal Person does because really, they do not even have any physical incurable ailment. It’s all because of their fucking reckless behaviour that they spoil their life and yours as well.

What if they have been specially warned to take care of themselves by an astrologer because their time is not right whole of the year and you are concerned and extra cautious for that as well??

Despite that, they will still give no fuck or change their habits or behaviour even a bit.

Why?? Most probably because they have nothing good to do in life rather than creating a mess out of completely controllable circumstances. Is it too much to ask someone to take care of their health properly or let you take care of it?? I don’t care if you agree to me or not, but it is a form of Mental Cruelty.

Know the real deal.

It’s good to be co-operative,

But not that much that you turn your back towards your enemies or haters as an invitation to them to stab you,

Even if it’s just a filthy talk,

You never know who hates you and for what reasons,

thus once you notice any red flag,

I hope you don’t try to turn it into a white flag of peace,

Or try to be a dove in front of a hawk.

Self-evaluate your reactions.

If anybody got offended by my last post, it only means that either they were finding pleasure and validation in my pain, which by any means is toxic, or they are over-analysing what I write. In both the cases, they need to find their mental balance and stop being overly reactionary.

The above-mentioned post.

PS- I am not giving any explanation about my behaviour here as I do not owe it to anyone for what I write. I am just trying to reflect on people’s reactivity so that they can heal on their own by self-evaluation.

Life of majority.

Life feels strange.

Really strange…

I have not found it any other way;

Where you succumb to the daily hassles

Waking up every morning

Not knowing why you did so,

You become a magnet to robotic tasks,

Doing every single thing,

That you are supposed to do,

Be it expected by society or you.

You think that who do nothing

Are just useless n meaningless,

But do you realize that those same people

Are just doing what they want

And are not being played like you in a worldly mess?

Life is an opportunity for a few

Whose death they feel is nearing

What you do daily?

Just wasting it doing stuff

others find endearing?

You just waste it

Thinking that you have got eternity here

Living a meaningless life

Leaving everything you want to do

While in a wrong direction streering.

Internal conflict.

A part of me feels guilty for being this much privileged,

A part of me really grateful for the same,

A part of me wants to be of immense service to others,

A part of me too emotional

In search of love fulfilment,

digging all the parts’ grave.

Misuse of concepts to others’ disadvantage.

Education and reading is crucial for one’s growth, there is no doubt in that. But what is more important in taking education is one’s intellect, level of understanding, and sensibility. If these three virtues are not developed enough, education or knowledge is bound to be misused.

For example, somebody told me a couple of days ago, “where the focus goes, energy flows” while keeping me under the veil of his identity. The statement was sounding really out of context and used cunningly to misguide, because WHERE THE INFORMATION RESIDES(i.e. from where the stimuli is released), THE FOCUS GOES THERE if that information is near to somebody in time and space. The FOCUS in such a proximity, that too, imposed proximity, is bound to go there first of all, and it happens because of the Fight or Flight mode activated instantly when a person feels something wrong is happening. So, it is immaterial where the focus is going when one is being given wrong cues to specifically drive one’s focus in that direction by using the language to which one is well acquainted and which is bound to drive the focus to a particular person. NOT SO WELL ARTICULATED THAT CONCEPT, MY DEAR, NOT SO WELL ARTICULATED. I find it very bad on somebody’s part when he/she uses any quote or concept to his/her advantage and to other’s disadvantage without even understanding that concept in its details or as a whole. People should go more in depth of concept and if they won’t, others will use those concepts against them.

Only reading the concepts and memorising them is not sufficient, if one is going to use them wrongly to confuse other people, GRASPING the True Meaning of Concepts is more important and only when one understands that meaning, one can apply it practically.

THE BLISS

Hither and thither

Placing anything anywhere

Sprinkling sparkles on the ashes of what’s ruined

They think that they have achieved a blissful state

‘The bliss of ignorance.’

Digging deeper into what is unknown

Bolting the door shut to external screams

The peace that was always within me

I have found that bliss

‘The bliss of peace.’

STRANGE FEELING

I wish events could be different,

A little strange but straight,

I am feeling a game being played again,

I am sensing that churn in my gut again,

Can’t point at what exactly,

This is hitting my mind abruptly,

Something is seeming to be settling,

Something is seeming to be lost,

I wish if only I could point out at what

is making my heart feeling frost,

The time I could feel a rush of warmth,

I am feeling like I’m moving into pain again,

Dilemma between heart and mind,

I want to choose my heart again,

But the mind has a value that my heart could never gain,

Whatever and howsoever the events turn out to be,

I want to remain working and sane,

For my heart’s decisions have ditched me in the past,

It’s my mind that took me away from that burn,

I wish only those win in the end,

Who have loved truly,

know how to get hurt,

And from their mistakes how to learn,

For I am tired of figuring out what is boon, what is bane,

And tired of my efforts to always go in vain.

DEMANDING TIME

And if I say one more time

I need some time

I feel I will lose you again

So I wear a smile

Not having a word to say

I can’t make you wait

I can’t get you now

I can’t let you go

I can’t make you stay

So just a smile I can give away.

I know there are many who want you

And I can’t do anything

Even if I stay

I think you will go away.

When I think of you

I remember the past

when I was helpless

the way I am now

I can’t even say

what I have in my mind,

Just want to win upon demons in my own mind.

Depressed soul like me is not meant for you,

I am trying to give upon my dark side

my shadow side.

If that love even begin

I want it to stay forever,

I can’t handle anymore

the repetition of the past ever.

Just in case I will have to lie,

I will just use a smile,

For what’s going on in my mind

I need to keep it to myself for a while,

For I know that you will help

And I don’t want to feel like a burden

I want to be happy,

Though not all out of a sudden.

Sometimes, I think I complicate things,

But then feel that I am just simplifying,

Though I know I am very strong

But half of me is dying.

This on and off is ripping me apart,

I don’t know what to say what time,

I feel the pull with a certainty,

The push also has a message sublime.

This feeling makes me so anxious,

How do I put my sanity at stake again,

I don’t want to feel like a burden,

I want to meet when on my own

I’ll be happy again.