INCAPACITY AND DECEIT STAYS IN YOU.

3 years ago, I had my very important Delhi Judicial Exam (Preliminary). I was deceived by a friend. I had lost someone whom I loved. I was in despair, trying very hard to focus on studies, in delhi.

Suddenly, my so-called former Best Friend Turned Love, (someone who himself started calling me Bestie first), Drunk AF, texted me “I need you. I need your hug so badly. You went there without meeting me. I am feeling like crying.” reading which I got really concerned and tried to console him for whatever he was feeling and tried to figure out the reason so that I could help him. But he said “your exam is too important for you, I am nothing” which really angered me at that moment as he did not say a single thing like that against my exam or described to me anything that he was feeling low for any reasons. I had gotten it by then that he was drunk and sad, to which he admitted later on. But despite going through a lot of shit myself, I still lend him a helping hand and tried to console him.

Later on and NOW whenever I feel sad or depressed, listening to me or trying to understand me is a far off thing, he runs away, and through one or the other social media page he tries to convey me this message 👇

I really don’t understand, first of all, when did I share any of my sadness to him?? I do not depend on anyone for my happiness. AND honestly speaking, LOSERS LIKE HIM are not even capable of giving anyone any happiness. Giving me disappointments and depression, yes, that’s his Forte. I don’t get it in which of his La La Land he thinks that I ever depended on him for my happiness.

Moreover, if I have to do everything by myself, including staying alone when I am feeling depressed, and do every single thing by myself for my success and happiness,, why the fuck would I let him come into my life when I am at my best?? For him to reap my rewards that I had sown and watered?? For him to enjoy all the good times only and run away like a fucking weakass loser when times get tough?? For him to suck up all of my good energy, draining me completely and walk all over me and never giving me a thing??

Does he know that he is immature, not good enough and incapable of being with anyone, leave alone me, because I am still doing much better than him even during sadness and depression??

Is he good enough who thinks that he will be available only to enjoy the goody-good stuff and otherwise just behave like a coward whenever I would need him or anyone, that too, only for being there with me at my lows and not demanding anything from him in those times??

“You couldn’t give me even one-fourth of what I gave you, emotionally, mentally and energetically. With what shit mouth you say that I should be responsible for my happiness. I got it a long time ago that you are incapable of giving me anything. I don’t even expect anyone to give me happiness but I am sure that someone equal to me in every sense will reciprocate with me at every level, not a loser like you. Last but not the least, how do you think that I still talk about a deceptive loser like you when I talk about love, who couldn’t even be a loyal friend??”

WHAT STILLNESS OF MIND IS..

Neither hopeful about something nor hopeless, you just have to make peace with what is. Situations might and will change in the future but you cannot take the present for granted. What exists now is real, everything else is your thought. Once you commit to improve your present, be positive, love yourself, love your life the way it is, everything good begins to get attracted to you. But it does not mean that only desirable events will happen, even negative and bad experiences will add to your life. Being positive does not mean that you can have or attract nothing negative in life once you choose to be positive, it just means that whatever will happen you will accept and handle it. You don’t feel lost when you live in reality. You know anything and everything takes efforts and yet the results are neither guaranteed nor parmanent, you can just have a plan in your mind and work towards it. Yin and yang is the law of nature, i.e. two contradicting forces always co-exist, thus any situation has both the sides to it, it all depends on your psyche how you see it particularly and that’s where your mindset comes into play. Moreover, there is always an invisible side to everything, that’s the force that keeps every kind of energy moving; although you may take something as positive or negative but that kinetic force is the one that keeps on changing the dynamics between any two sides of anything, be it separating those forces or uniting them. Your mind is definitely the most powerful thing and can control that dynamic or prove to be that third force but sometimes you really have to bring that energy to stillness, and stop thinking about it too much because if you won’t stop trying to control your future, then your future will begin to control your mind in the present. So, try to observe stillness of mind. It helps a lot in chaos. Stillness of mind does not mean making it numb, being unable to think through things straight, it actually means thinking straight about what is, and not about what can be and what should be. Some people specifically meditate for it, but according to me, it’s all about your level of understanding and perception. It also enhances your level of self-control and vice-versa.

(-17th Jan, 2020)

Pioneer of my own life.

I cannot explain this enough

how much I hate to be defensive

And explain my actions

As well as inaction..

Assume whatever

But keep it to yourself;

This is for whosoever

I came or will come into interaction;

I repeat

I owe nobody any explanation

For what I do

Or feel the need to show it off,

Although I may do it in fraction,

But I do everything to my standards’ satisfaction,

I steer my life in my own way,

I know what I did, doing and will do,

I don’t need from anybody else a single direction.

Know the real deal.

It’s good to be co-operative,

But not that much that you turn your back towards your enemies or haters as an invitation to them to stab you,

Even if it’s just a filthy talk,

You never know who hates you and for what reasons,

thus once you notice any red flag,

I hope you don’t try to turn it into a white flag of peace,

Or try to be a dove in front of a hawk.

Beware of wrong kind of motivation.

Overly-motivational videos sometimes make you feel like you are the only one not doing good enough in life.

Use them with caution and only when you are willing to do something and are not depressed because believe it or not, it tends to depress you even further when you watch them talk about how one can “rise from the ashes” “go from rags to riches” “from blank to highly enlightened” with pure passion and courage and spirit. No people! Courage, spirit and passion are only a minor proportion of what is required to reach your destination. If everyone could attain everything based on mere passion which is actually only emotional power, each one on this planet would have been an achiever.

Where on the one hand, they are right to motivate others who need only motivation despite having every other thing required to reach a goal, on the other hand it can make one feel really weak who has no plan or target to achieve. One needs logic, grit and resources more than mere motivation. It’s like if you want to run a wheel, you need, first of all, wood or metal and tools and knowledge to assemble it to make it, rather than having a potential energy to be changed into kinetic one. One cannot make a wheel out of leaves or air or water merely with passion.

Kudos to those motivational speakers who talk about steps as well to attain your goals. They have in-depth knowledge of how things work and they talk with logic as well as emotions.

Synchronicity.

Believe me,

The right one will value you and your love

At the right time.

Everybody else is just temporary.

Knowledge-A yardstick of utopianism.

You will move a mile

And think that you ran hundred

When you don’t have a yardstick to measure what you are doing.

People read and study a lot

Not for no reason,

It helps in knowing how much you know

How much you need to imbibe and learn

What you need to eliminate from your mind,

You can think that you have created something exceptional

Until you know that it’s already available, tested and dead;

Reading, studying and learning is so important

It eliminates the IGNORANCE dread.

(Getting the already existing knowledge, it’s opposition to test its veracity and the results that came out and the conclusions drawn is so important. People generally think a lot on their own and then feel that they know a lot, like they have found something exceptional, they keep those ideas with them for years, struggle to make them a reality, only to end up in knowing that the same ideas were carried out in the past and failed miserably. It’s not bad to carry on with the same or similar ideas again as there is still possibility of their success due to changed circumstances but thinking that they surely will end up in success, specially when the independent variables are uncontrollable, those ideas prove to be just utopian views. That’s why knowledge of what worked in the past and what did not is really very important, be it regarding any field or realm.)

Life of majority.

Life feels strange.

Really strange…

I have not found it any other way;

Where you succumb to the daily hassles

Waking up every morning

Not knowing why you did so,

You become a magnet to robotic tasks,

Doing every single thing,

That you are supposed to do,

Be it expected by society or you.

You think that who do nothing

Are just useless n meaningless,

But do you realize that those same people

Are just doing what they want

And are not being played like you in a worldly mess?

Life is an opportunity for a few

Whose death they feel is nearing

What you do daily?

Just wasting it doing stuff

others find endearing?

You just waste it

Thinking that you have got eternity here

Living a meaningless life

Leaving everything you want to do

While in a wrong direction streering.

Internal conflict.

A part of me feels guilty for being this much privileged,

A part of me really grateful for the same,

A part of me wants to be of immense service to others,

A part of me too emotional

In search of love fulfilment,

digging all the parts’ grave.

Misuse of concepts to others’ disadvantage.

Education and reading is crucial for one’s growth, there is no doubt in that. But what is more important in taking education is one’s intellect, level of understanding, and sensibility. If these three virtues are not developed enough, education or knowledge is bound to be misused.

For example, somebody told me a couple of days ago, “where the focus goes, energy flows” while keeping me under the veil of his identity. The statement was sounding really out of context and used cunningly to misguide, because WHERE THE INFORMATION RESIDES(i.e. from where the stimuli is released), THE FOCUS GOES THERE if that information is near to somebody in time and space. The FOCUS in such a proximity, that too, imposed proximity, is bound to go there first of all, and it happens because of the Fight or Flight mode activated instantly when a person feels something wrong is happening. So, it is immaterial where the focus is going when one is being given wrong cues to specifically drive one’s focus in that direction by using the language to which one is well acquainted and which is bound to drive the focus to a particular person. NOT SO WELL ARTICULATED THAT CONCEPT, MY DEAR, NOT SO WELL ARTICULATED. I find it very bad on somebody’s part when he/she uses any quote or concept to his/her advantage and to other’s disadvantage without even understanding that concept in its details or as a whole. People should go more in depth of concept and if they won’t, others will use those concepts against them.

Only reading the concepts and memorising them is not sufficient, if one is going to use them wrongly to confuse other people, GRASPING the True Meaning of Concepts is more important and only when one understands that meaning, one can apply it practically.