NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.. 🙂

Not afraid anymore,

About judgements,

About reputation,

About feeling too much,

About being feelingless,

About accepting and telling my truth,

About disappointing those who deserve to be disappointed,

About misunderstandings,

About my future,

About my telling my traumas,

About healing,

About failing,

About my weaknesses,

About showing my strength,

About standing up for myself,

About putting myself first,

About letting people go,

About throwing off negativity to its source,

About people,

About doing whatever the fuck I want to do,

Not Afraid Anymore.

THE WORDS I WILL NEVER SAY..

The moon bestowed so much beauty to your darkness,
that the sun got burned with jealousy.

I feel so lucky to know you,
I feel I am living only to write about you.

Your eyes make think of the sky,
Far reaching,
Beguiling,
Mesmerizing,
Endless beauty.

Just for once
say that you want me,
I promise,
I’ll leave my own body
if I will have to
For you.

Your love has no beginning,
My love has no end.

I am just fearful that
somebody might be praying
to be with you
more than me.

I am terrified with how much selfless I have become
after falling in love with you,
I am dying each moment
just to see you lively.

I don’t know what twin flame feels like,
but I have never felt before like it feels with you.

If you have planned to leave me,
Promise me
That you will be mine after our reincarnation into the next birth,
and every other birth,
as birds of same feather,
as wolves of the wild,
as shoots of the same roots,
as humans bearing the same child.

I know you were also into me,
maybe not as much as I was,
I know we felt a lot together,
maybe not for ever it was.

When I was in awe of you,
I was in reality in awe of me;
how could I find somebody so lovable,
by loving you I was loving me.

It’s strange that I have become so tolerant with you,
the things I would have thrown out of my life,
the kind of people I could never deal with,
you showed me the same kind of vibe,
I still could not let you go out of my life.

Love is not blind,
It’s our mind that plays the tricks,
seeing the devil playing its cards,
we begin playing with it.

I can’t fall weak,
I have the love
for both of us.

I wish we met a little younger,
maybe the stars would have broken in a different way
and we could end up together
in a beautiful way.

Those who say it’s easy to move on from somebody,
They definitely haven’t met you,
and they undoubtedly haven’t loved like I love you.

Her first and last wish must be to be with you,
Mine is to see you happy,
So unfortunate of me,
your happiness doesn’t reside with me.

If they can create a competition in love,
I hope you choose to lose,
for who would like to win
is not a true lover.

Let’s seek love like the ultimate truth,
once you get to know it
you’ll feel like even your existence is a lie;
Nothing is above and beyond true love.

The first time we met I was afraid
how important you could be to me,
I could see the potential
like something in you was calling to me,
something unknown,
something different,
The second time we met I was afraid no more,
I surrendered to it,
and ever since,
I haven’t found an escape.

No matter what you do to me,
You are somebody I can never call unworthy of love,
In you I see myself,
I can’t love myself enough,
But I can love me,
through you.

Till the end of time,
If I ever have to choose between my love and your happiness,
I will choose your happiness without a doubt.

I have loved before you also,
But never like this.

You call yourself weird,
I find you so easy to understand.

I distanced myself so that you could live better,
I felt like I was being your cage,
our friendship was fettering your spirit,
this distance will set you free
making you run far away from me,
with joy you will squeal,
and even with tears in my eyes
that will be the prettiest sight for me.

I will break into a zillion pieces to keep you whole,
If I can’t do that for thee,
then this love was never meant to be.

Passion never turned into obssession,
Feelings never became chains,
You never became a possession,
This relationship never got measured with gains.

You found out all about me
just to leave me.
Was I that bad or that good?

I wish that the stars break at least once for me,
For me to be one with you,
And this time I will choose that moment to continue forever.

You and I are imperfectly perfect together.

I know you love me
Not as much as I love you
But I know you love me too.

The time our lips met
I felt all of my older wounds healing
You were not only the balm to my wounded soul
You were much much more
You were that elixir that I was yearning for for years.

I did not give up on you,
I was seeing if you would.

You made me feel so free,
that I got bound with you
in that freedom.

KARMA SAID

And then karma said,

“That one, in the end, suffers,

Who try to separate true lovers.

That one, in the end, feels played,

Because of whom people felt betrayed.

That one, in the end, repents,

Who used others and didn’t consider their sentiments.

That one, in the end, loses,

Who gave a soul bruises.”

I asked Karma who those people are,

Karma said, “I will show,

I won’t tell you though,

In time you will know,

Who played you,

Who betrayed you,

Who was your true friend and who was your foe,

And just in case you won’t know,

I have your back as in life you go.”

STRANGE FEELING

I wish events could be different,

A little strange but straight,

I am feeling a game being played again,

I am sensing that churn in my gut again,

Can’t point at what exactly,

This is hitting my mind abruptly,

Something is seeming to be settling,

Something is seeming to be lost,

I wish if only I could point out at what

is making my heart feeling frost,

The time I could feel a rush of warmth,

I am feeling like I’m moving into pain again,

Dilemma between heart and mind,

I want to choose my heart again,

But the mind has a value that my heart could never gain,

Whatever and howsoever the events turn out to be,

I want to remain working and sane,

For my heart’s decisions have ditched me in the past,

It’s my mind that took me away from that burn,

I wish only those win in the end,

Who have loved truly,

know how to get hurt,

And from their mistakes how to learn,

For I am tired of figuring out what is boon, what is bane,

And tired of my efforts to always go in vain.

MARSHY WATERS

I can’t create anything anymore,

I am feeling stuck in the similar patterns,

Trying to come out of the marshy waters,

I try to push through the mud with limbs n cry,

But all in vain,

Then an idea striking my mind,

Rather than getting out of it,

I shall stay quiet and calm,

I will slide through this as well,

Feeling free in the air of happiness,

Even after all this pain.

My kind of love..

Walking on eggshells in the name of somebody’s ‘care’,

Being questioned about your every move here and there,

Where acceptance comes after perfectionism,

Where life is lived after someone’s permission,

Is not love and never my kind of love.

Where him and I enjoy n thrive equally, unitedly as well as separately,

Where even after staying for a long time apart, trust persists in the heart,

Where no one else’s opinions matter, our mutual understanding is better,

Where we feel so free, we become bound in that freedom’s ecstasy,

That’s my love, that’s my kind of love.

WHAT TRANSFORMATION FEELS LIKE??

Do you ever feel like you have totally changed?? Like something died inside of you and something else is being born. You feel so weak for months and then day by day you start realizing that you have grown stronger than ever. You can bear a lot but at the same time you won’t allow anyone to hurt you, deceive you, betray you or make a fool out of you. You still have those good values that believe in humanity, brotherhood, integrity, etc. but you have become so dignified that almost nobody can shake you?? You don’t feel needy anymore. You don’t crave anything anymore. You don’t have care about what bad intentions anyone can have towards you. You just don’t care. You don’t care about who is thinking what about you, who is misunderstanding what about you, who is trying to figure you out, who is trying to mislead you, who is trying to guide you in the right direction, who is leaving you, who is trying to tarnish your image; you simply don’t care about anything. Literally about nothing and nobody. You don’t know where you are going but still in your heart and soul you can feel that you are going somewhere very beautiful; towards a very peaceful, successful and love-filled future. Something that feels very powerful, very transformative. You start crying out of nowhere, your body shakes and shivers out of nothing, you feel empty, you feel all the emotions at the same time, anxiety kicks you so hard, your heart keeps breaking over and over again, you feel mentally disturbed a lot, you feel like nothing is working and then when you really hit the rock bottom and feel like you have lost everything like your life has ended, it has no meaning, you are useless, you don’t know what to do, you have your plans but still you don’t work for them, you start remembering all of your traumas and count all of your failures and remember all the lives you have lost in your life, and then suddenly you go silent, completely silent. That silence guides you. It makes you flow with the universe. It works as a form of surrender. But then you begin to send affirmations to the universe about what you want, how you want it, and exactly at what time you are going to get it. And, it starts happening. You suddenly begin to work on yourself. You don’t even care if you are depressed, happy, angry, sad or whatever, you just don’t care. You become so strong mentally that you begin to think that whatever will happen I will handle it.

You are born to learn a few lessons at different points in your lifetime, thus you may go through all this every single time. The stronger and older your soul, the harder your lessons will be.

TRANSFORMATION PHASE IS THE REAL PAIN BUT SO WORTH IT !

Going through all the pain I have earned only self-respect and learned only gratitude. The pain that I can’t even explain, just tears start flowing through my eyes any time, like literally I have not cried this much in my entire life like I did this year. Something in me has finished so badly but I know something very good has begun to grow. I have gone through tranformation phases many times in my life but this one is one of its kind. My body shakes a lot like I can literally sense my old energy leaving my body. That stuck energy that used to tolerate a lot of shit. That energy had the sense of inadequacy all the time despite achieving many things. That ‘Not Good Enough’ energy. That energy that had traumas of many family members’ death, family abandonment, many physical ailments, loss of relationships and friendships, depression of more than two decades. That energy that used to feel that I deserved whatever I was going through. The energy of complete worthlessness of good things in life.

I had such a great fear of losing people that I could put up with any kind of behaviour, any kind of manipulation, narcissism, that despite knowing the truth I was always apologetic just because I did not want to lose someone. The problem was that nobody taught me how to love myself, I was the unwanted child who was always conditionally loved.

But now, I am letting go of all that energy. I am letting go of all the people that ever made me feel like I had to put up with their any kind of shit just for the sake of keeping a relationship or a friendship. I know my worth. I know what I am, what I want to be, and what kind of people I deserve in my life and to get all that I will always use my ways, be it silence, be it pure love or be it arrogance or cruelty. RIP to all the dead relationships and friendships. There is not a single person on this earth that can make me into anything, shake me or break me. I am thriving on my Karma !! And I am so so grateful to the universe for all those experiences; because of them I have gained this much Strength and am transforming into a Someone New.