Pioneer of my own life.

I cannot explain this enough

how much I hate to be defensive

And explain my actions

As well as inaction..

Assume whatever

But keep it to yourself;

This is for whosoever

I came or will come into interaction;

I repeat

I owe nobody any explanation

For what I do

Or feel the need to show it off,

Although I may do it in fraction,

But I do everything to my standards’ satisfaction,

I steer my life in my own way,

I know what I did, doing and will do,

I don’t need from anybody else a single direction.

Know the real deal.

It’s good to be co-operative,

But not that much that you turn your back towards your enemies or haters as an invitation to them to stab you,

Even if it’s just a filthy talk,

You never know who hates you and for what reasons,

thus once you notice any red flag,

I hope you don’t try to turn it into a white flag of peace,

Or try to be a dove in front of a hawk.

Synchronicity.

Believe me,

The right one will value you and your love

At the right time.

Everybody else is just temporary.

Internal conflict.

A part of me feels guilty for being this much privileged,

A part of me really grateful for the same,

A part of me wants to be of immense service to others,

A part of me too emotional

In search of love fulfilment,

digging all the parts’ grave.

Testing waters.

Testing my waters is going to be of no help,

When you don’t know how to swim.

Personal Blog- Volcanic Temperament.

One of my biggest problems is that when I get bored, I get too bored. Literally nothing can satisfy me. It’s not a kind of mood swing. I just need something to do, apart from my normal and then I feel like there is nothing apart from my normal. And, it usually happens when I miss somebody. Anger and frustration gets mixed up, and I feel highly energetic and it becomes almost impossible to release that energy, both mental and physical. In such a situation, either I become impulsive doing anything and everything I want to say or do, or become repulsive to every single thing and person, doing nothing at all, thinking nothing, feeling just like a zombie. Generally, I have a good self-control but when I decide to lose it, this moment arises. But the thing to remember here is that the moment is temporary but what I say in those moments is something that I have been keeping to myself for way too longer than required; high self-control is to be blamed here for that. It’s like my temperament is like a volcano.

Him and I, From a wolf tribe.

A lone wolf is my spirit’s drive,

Embracing my wilderness,

Claiming my authenticity,

Silent, calm and compost and scarcely seething angry,

Working all alone,

I am sure some day I will meet the one,

Honest, righteous and success hungry,

Whose frequency matches with my vibe,

I will meet the one from my own soul tribe.

Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, particularly of Perfectionism introduced.

Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder of Perfectionism is a real thing. Read the article in the link provided, you will get an insight into the issue.

/https://psychcentral.com/lib/ocd-perfectionism/

First of all, your question must be what OCD is.

OCD is a psychological disorder, a very common one; both diagnostically (cases in millions) and otherwise.

It refers to Excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviours (compulsions). Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterised by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviours.

(Source: google)

People have OCD about different patterns, for example, cleanliness, orderliness, success, looks, a particular project (of which a broader and deeper OCD has to be looked into). Some people have it about losing others. Some go through it regarding perfectionism.

Now, let’s talk about the deep seated reasons behind it. The reasons vary from person to person but the common factor behind its preliminary invocation is the formulation of a pattern regarding something important to a person. For example, a person A wants to be a successful football player. He works really hard to get selected in his school football team. He is putting all the efforts into it. But just like any other thing, there is uncertainty of his selection which keeps him afraid of not being selected in the team. Whenever he started practicing, he had his ups and downs as usual, but meanwhile he started noticing that whenever he wore a particular pair of socks, he did hit the goal, at least more often than while wearing the other pairs of socks. With time, he began associating that pair of socks with his success in his game. Gradually it became a pattern in his mind. After that, he could not think of having the courage to wear any other pair of socks because of the fear of failure during play. Here, wearing that pair bacame a part of his OCD.

OCD is a pattern that arises out of deep fears, which even if the person recognizes within oneself, is, most of the times, unable to get rid of unless and until that fear gets eliminated from that person’s mind which is highly likely that it does not go away until the root or substance of that fear has gotten eliminated out of his/her life completely.

In the given article, the ways to tackle with the OCD of Perfectionism have been described well. Kindly read it at least once if you have a fear of failure or fear of what other people think about you or being any less than perfect in front of the others or yourself or fear of making mistakes in general.

Personally, I have had OCD of cleanliness, organisation, loss of people, perfectionism and that related to failure. I have gotten rid of four of them to a good extent and it happened when I faced those fears. I tried to not be too clean all the time. I tried to be messy for days. I lost people. But this fear of failure and perfectionism is something I still need to tackle with and heal. I am sharing about my own OCD because I want you to know that if one person can do it, others also can; also, if it can be tackled with in one sphere of life, it can be done so in other spheres as well.

I, mostly, used Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on myself. I know that it sounds strange but it can be done. You can talk to yourself. But I would prefer consulting a counsellor or psycho-therapist, whichever suits you because one cannot reach the right solutions on one’s own in psychological problems and is much more likely to fall into the abyss of chaos of thoughts rather than detangling that stuff and adopting a cause and effect approach rationally. I have gone for therapy also but that was for some other reasons years ago but due to that I can tell the difference.

In case you need to know how I did it, you may contact me. And, in case you have tackled with it, you are more than welcome to share your ways and story. It might help somebody. Like I am half there, it’s okay to be half there as well. Feel free to share.

Thanks. 🙂

NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.. 🙂

Not afraid anymore,

About judgements,

About reputation,

About feeling too much,

About being feelingless,

About accepting and telling my truth,

About disappointing those who deserve to be disappointed,

About misunderstandings,

About my future,

About my telling my traumas,

About healing,

About failing,

About my weaknesses,

About showing my strength,

About standing up for myself,

About putting myself first,

About letting people go,

About throwing off negativity to its source,

About people,

About doing whatever the fuck I want to do,

Not Afraid Anymore.

THE WORDS I WILL NEVER SAY..

The moon bestowed so much beauty to your darkness,
that the sun got burned with jealousy.

I feel so lucky to know you,
I feel I am living only to write about you.

Your eyes make think of the sky,
Far reaching,
Beguiling,
Mesmerizing,
Endless beauty.

Just for once
say that you want me,
I promise,
I’ll leave my own body
if I will have to
For you.

Your love has no beginning,
My love has no end.

I am just fearful that
somebody might be praying
to be with you
more than me.

I am terrified with how much selfless I have become
after falling in love with you,
I am dying each moment
just to see you lively.

I don’t know what twin flame feels like,
but I have never felt before like it feels with you.

If you have planned to leave me,
Promise me
That you will be mine after our reincarnation into the next birth,
and every other birth,
as birds of same feather,
as wolves of the wild,
as shoots of the same roots,
as humans bearing the same child.

I know you were also into me,
maybe not as much as I was,
I know we felt a lot together,
maybe not for ever it was.

When I was in awe of you,
I was in reality in awe of me;
how could I find somebody so lovable,
by loving you I was loving me.

It’s strange that I have become so tolerant with you,
the things I would have thrown out of my life,
the kind of people I could never deal with,
you showed me the same kind of vibe,
I still could not let you go out of my life.

Love is not blind,
It’s our mind that plays the tricks,
seeing the devil playing its cards,
we begin playing with it.

I can’t fall weak,
I have the love
for both of us.

I wish we met a little younger,
maybe the stars would have broken in a different way
and we could end up together
in a beautiful way.

Those who say it’s easy to move on from somebody,
They definitely haven’t met you,
and they undoubtedly haven’t loved like I love you.

Her first and last wish must be to be with you,
Mine is to see you happy,
So unfortunate of me,
your happiness doesn’t reside with me.

If they can create a competition in love,
I hope you choose to lose,
for who would like to win
is not a true lover.

Let’s seek love like the ultimate truth,
once you get to know it
you’ll feel like even your existence is a lie;
Nothing is above and beyond true love.

The first time we met I was afraid
how important you could be to me,
I could see the potential
like something in you was calling to me,
something unknown,
something different,
The second time we met I was afraid no more,
I surrendered to it,
and ever since,
I haven’t found an escape.

No matter what you do to me,
You are somebody I can never call unworthy of love,
In you I see myself,
I can’t love myself enough,
But I can love me,
through you.

Till the end of time,
If I ever have to choose between my love and your happiness,
I will choose your happiness without a doubt.

I have loved before you also,
But never like this.

You call yourself weird,
I find you so easy to understand.

I distanced myself so that you could live better,
I felt like I was being your cage,
our friendship was fettering your spirit,
this distance will set you free
making you run far away from me,
with joy you will squeal,
and even with tears in my eyes
that will be the prettiest sight for me.

I will break into a zillion pieces to keep you whole,
If I can’t do that for thee,
then this love was never meant to be.

Passion never turned into obssession,
Feelings never became chains,
You never became a possession,
This relationship never got measured with gains.

You found out all about me
just to leave me.
Was I that bad or that good?

I wish that the stars break at least once for me,
For me to be one with you,
And this time I will choose that moment to continue forever.

You and I are imperfectly perfect together.

I know you love me
Not as much as I love you
But I know you love me too.

The time our lips met
I felt all of my older wounds healing
You were not only the balm to my wounded soul
You were much much more
You were that elixir that I was yearning for for years.

I did not give up on you,
I was seeing if you would.

You made me feel so free,
that I got bound with you
in that freedom.