LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

A Precious Soul.

A soul is sitting by your side

All they can feel is

your pain for their absence

and for you, their pride;

A want to embrace you,

their reeling grows strong,

for holding you in their arms tight;

The moment you feel weakness

The moment you feel any fear

The moment your heart aches for their presence

The moment your soul screams their name,

Feel in your heart without an iota of doubt

They never leave you alone in this fight,

They are always within you, and

They are sitting by your side.

Wandering soul..

Wanderlusting a different place

every single week,

I still have the audacity to say

I am not a freak,

I don’t know where I will truly find solace,

Since I know his arms are my truly peaceful place.

(Originally posted on 9th march, 2021)

You and your reasons..

The whole situation doesn’t change but still, it feels better, when nobody knows where you are, what you are doing, and why you are where you are..

Only You and Your Reasons survive,

and if you become lucky they sometimes thrive..

Quote

Sleep can’t help when it’s the soul that’s tired.

(24th march, 2022)

Quote of the day.

There shall be no shame or hesitation in being proud of your soul.

Quote of the day

Personal view-point on a widely used quotation.

This is one of a few quotes that really irritate me.

First of all, quotes are some statements made by different people based on their personal view-points, opinions, situations and life in general. Like one size does not fit all, one quotation cannot be true completely or suit all.

Secondly, quotations are mostly one-liners or a paragraph which are generally not backed up by an explanation on why they have been written, so, they create a lot of misunderstandings about their exact meaning. Like digit 6 can be read as 9 when inversed or when read by two people standing in opposite directions, the same goes with such quotations.

Thirdly, coming to this particular quotation, it is not even a quotation as such. It is just a line, from a novel which I am sure is beautifully written and, must have it’s backing in the novel itself. This quote actually refers to one’s potential in relationships. Here, the word ‘potential’ means how a person is thought to be behaving in the future by a person who has been seeking that first mentioned person as a partner considering his/her probable qualities to come to the fore in the expecting person’s view-point. It has not talked about the general potential of anybody as a person outside from the expectation of a relationship.

Fourthly, considering it even as an expected potential in a person about his/her qualities regarding relationship, it sounds a demeaning quote that says that one ‘has to date their reality’. Here, what if somebody does not even know one’s reality? What if one person’s own judgement is wrong about the outer world in general because of their internal biases? Be it in relationships or otherwise, if one person cannnot accept other’s flaws, then that person really does not deserve anyone to be with them when they themself show their own flaws. And, nobody is flawless.

Last but not the least, this line is actually meaning to reiterate to somebody that whom they like actually currently does not deserve them and that person should not let his/her good view-point about that person over-power what that person is actually showing them (which can actually be bad traits).

I get irritated with quotes because of their incapacity to make things clear due to lack of explanation, desire to create more of confusions, and still pressing them upon others as something of eternal value.

(1st March, 2020)

Healing.

I am a hard pill to swallow,

just like naked truth

you can feel,

but I have seen people not offended by it

The people who are willing to heal.

(6th dec,2021)

Reminiscing my nature.

I can’t even explain how I think. Many live in and for experiences. I really don’t seek them. I don’t seek events to make memories about them. I don’t think that we are what we create or some experiences can create us (ok particularly me here). How I take experiences is purely the mental stimulators or catalysts for different thinking. As far as I remember nothing has changed me much. Those who know me now or at whatever period of time they might have known me may think that I have changed a lot. But that’s not true. They have only seen my behaviour for a short period of time n for a few events or so on but my basic nature has always been like this only.

I was always quiet in front of the outsiders (school, college, relatives functions, strangers etc.) and quiet in my own home maybe for eternity.. but.. whenever I wanted to socialise I was one hella fun person. I was always the one who organised family functions to the T (not the labour part, ok). I was always sporty whenever anyone came to the house (n got comfy in the family) to play a game or two. I made jokes whenever I observed something laugh-worthy in the surroundings. I was analysing situations, people’s behaviour and dynamics of different kinds right from my very childhood (like since the age of 6-7 years old). I always observed a lot. Like really.. I can very confidently say that I filter about 95-98% of things that I observe just because I find them quite useless including people who think that they can always sneak, tresspass, abuse n escape.. “Nope ! You didn’t. I did let you because you are not important at all.” If you think that I have become angrier, that too, is in my nature by birth, though the outlets have changed. I used to store it all or tended to flush off that energy by playing cricket for two hours daily in the evening (though with my brother n father only). It was really a good release of energy then. Now I feel like not storing any shit in my mind n release it all through words. If we talk about confidence. I always had a very good amount of self-confidence but I was always quiet about it because I was getting regular recognition about my capability through professors n results etc. Now I have to show it in other ways because of the wake of social media as in this era if you don’t verbalise or show your capabilities, then you are considered not to have them at all and those who are ept at showing off, become successful, though they might have half of your capabilities.

The point is.. I was always more or less similar..Not much has changed.. Neither my nature, nor my strength.. It’s just that those who have started to know different sides of me or my deeper layers, they think that I have changed a lot; they actually never knew me. Really.. Never..

Strangest thing about me: I do the things, I hate to do, the most. This one I still cannot understand why. Sooner or later, I end up doing things that I really hate.

Strongest point about me: I really, and by this I mean REALLY, I don’t give a fuck about who thinks what about me.

Weakest point about me: I won’t actualise something until I have done it to perfection, exactly the way I visualised it, and even after reaching that point I keep polishing it so that it can reach a point to my utmost satisfaction.

The best thing I find about my life: No matter how filthy situations, events or people I deal with, my bounce back game is strong AF, stronger than many, and I don’t mean it by the show off part, I mean it about things considered valuable.

(Originally posted on 28th Dec, 2020)

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