Something constant.

I don’t need reasons to be happy, I need reasons to be sad or depressed and I never go on looking for those reasons. That’s why I avoid most people. I am a happy, productive and entertaining person basically but outside energy always (and I really mean ALWAYS) becomes a block or a shadow over my positive n optimistic personality, and then I cannot get rid of it for weeks or months. I have traumas that I still haven’t talked about to a single person on earth (literally nobody even if a few of you know many of my secrets, still there are some things I never tell anyone; neither family, nor bestest of friends in the past nor even a therapist) but I know really well how to give it my all to my future rather than sulking in the past. Attachments happen but I can easily get rid of it, basically being a detached person. Failures happen but I usually have 2-3 more plans after that. My life flows generally as I expect it to. But outside energy always happens to be a block or a shadow over my positives. If I keep any person away, he/she has directly or indirectly added blocks in my life. Why would anyone think that I’d like to invite the same kind of energy in my life again??? I really am not interested in Jumping in the mud or letting people throw it at me and then waste my time n energy in cleaning myself of it whereas the best option always is to look at it, ignore and avoid it and move forward. I don’t know how other people’s mind work, but if they don’t get this basic thing, then it’s completely their problem. I want to keep somebody close who can be equally positive, clear-minded and productive, provided I have not seen the otherwise in them in the past, although everybody can change into the former kind but probability is uncertain to me, and I avoid uncertainty now. I don’t want somebody to give me anything or to add anything to my life, be it happiness or love or anything materialistic. I just want AN EQUAL who knows how to take care of himself, can be happy on his own, manage well his possessions, be productive most of the time, love by heart n soul, has got rid of his past traumas or wounds and related defence mechanisms (although more or less those defences always stay there but it can be dealt with sensibly) and is very clear about what he wants from me, from himself, his career n life in general, so that we can thrive together rather than any of us being a burden on the other. PURE PARTNERSHIP, NEITHER OWNERSHIP NOR PARENT-CHILD DYNAMIC.

(Written and first published on 9th October, 2020)

POETRY.

Planning

On

Ending

This

Rueful

Yearning.

(4th Jan, 2020)

Note to self.

Don’t go back to your old ways,

Try to get out of that mud,

There is love and light for you to grow,

You are still an about to bloom bud,

Hands folded, head held high,

You have to forget your heart’s cry,

When something and someone is pure,

It is rewarded for sure,

Let the times be obscure,

You have to hear past the tumultous,

The sound of nature,

It bestows the real things the strength to endure;

Even if your heart is breaking into a billion pieces,

Just let the rivers of pain flow,

Because days and nights keep shifting,

But always after the darkness,

We feel the sunrise’s glow.

(First published on 17th Jan, 2020)

Found..

What are you left with now??

Everything I had before I began thinking that I was losing everything.

Heart to heart.

I hope you understand me by listening to your inner voice

Like I did for you

Without paying any heed to any outer noise.