Lightened off..

Not knowing

what’s on going

I know life wants me to keep enjoying

Every feeling

Every impulse I gain

Not wanting me to numb down

Needing me to love everything

Like, love, loss and pain

Stigmatic as I could be

About being so psychic

I know nothing like intuition now-a-days

Feeling free from that heavy load

I am stunned with the sensory relief

Though I am feeling everything

I am unburdened of intuitive grief.

Life of majority.

Life feels strange.

Really strange…

I have not found it any other way;

Where you succumb to the daily hassles

Waking up every morning

Not knowing why you did so,

You become a magnet to robotic tasks,

Doing every single thing,

That you are supposed to do,

Be it expected by society or you.

You think that who do nothing

Are just useless n meaningless,

But do you realize that those same people

Are just doing what they want

And are not being played like you in a worldly mess?

Life is an opportunity for a few

Whose death they feel is nearing

What you do daily?

Just wasting it doing stuff

others find endearing?

You just waste it

Thinking that you have got eternity here

Living a meaningless life

Leaving everything you want to do

While in a wrong direction streering.

Karmic lessons.

The truth is that Karma does not see how you try to sneak away as a little naughty kid, it holds you tight for the wrongs you did with an adult daviant mind. If you have ever knowingly took away something belonging to someone else, something with similar importance to you will be taken away from you. Never have a doubt about it. Karma is the ultimate truth. Your immaturity is not innocense. Being mature and trying one’s best not to hurt anyone or take advantage of others or take anything not earned with genuine efforts, be it something materistic as possessions or abstract as love, feelings or emotions, is not that difficult when you are internally a good person. When you have a deviant mind, though subconsciously, you will find it hard to do the right things and will do anything your lower conscious self urges you to do and when you will do it, you’d like to get away with it like nothing wrong happened, because you do not have a good sense of Accountability; but no matter how immature (or innocent as you’d like to call yourself) or ignorant you are, you always have to pay for your malicious intentions and actions (separately as well as combined). Also, Karma takes into account your actions as well as reactions. How you react to an action in a given circumstance in a particular context is how you will receive the reaction when you tend to act in similar circumstances and context. This goes for feelings and emotions as well. It’s like karma is that force that keeps you in a loop unless you decide to act or react differently. The change lies in you. If you don’t opt for vengeance when somebody hurts you, stay silent though hurt about it, somebody in the future will be that patient with you whereas the one who did hurt you will be hurt by somebody else. And in case, a hurt or action has taken away from someone that could last forever if you did not intervene, stay assured that something of that much value will be taken away from you too. You can be apologetic about it, that person might have forgiven you but the action exists and it reverts back to you no matter what. The same goes for creating confusion in anyone’s life, intentionally or unintentionally.

Internal conflict.

A part of me feels guilty for being this much privileged,

A part of me really grateful for the same,

A part of me wants to be of immense service to others,

A part of me too emotional

In search of love fulfilment,

digging all the parts’ grave.

Testing waters.

Testing my waters is going to be of no help,

When you don’t know how to swim.

Personal Blog- Volcanic Temperament.

One of my biggest problems is that when I get bored, I get too bored. Literally nothing can satisfy me. It’s not a kind of mood swing. I just need something to do, apart from my normal and then I feel like there is nothing apart from my normal. And, it usually happens when I miss somebody. Anger and frustration gets mixed up, and I feel highly energetic and it becomes almost impossible to release that energy, both mental and physical. In such a situation, either I become impulsive doing anything and everything I want to say or do, or become repulsive to every single thing and person, doing nothing at all, thinking nothing, feeling just like a zombie. Generally, I have a good self-control but when I decide to lose it, this moment arises. But the thing to remember here is that the moment is temporary but what I say in those moments is something that I have been keeping to myself for way too longer than required; high self-control is to be blamed here for that. It’s like my temperament is like a volcano.

Stone hearted?

Honestly,

Call me stone-hearted ass

But about it I don’t care

Because I know that’s what I become

After my immense love is taken for granted

Mind manipulated

And situations converted to my agony.

But believe it or not

I can feel others’ feelings

But I don’t want to do anything about it

Because I know if I will do

That will just put us all through the same hurricane

From which we all got out

After so much time, difficulty and pain.

Him and I, From a wolf tribe.

A lone wolf is my spirit’s drive,

Embracing my wilderness,

Claiming my authenticity,

Silent, calm and compost and scarcely seething angry,

Working all alone,

I am sure some day I will meet the one,

Honest, righteous and success hungry,

Whose frequency matches with my vibe,

I will meet the one from my own soul tribe.

FIRST MEETING..

Oh..Now I understand what I am feeling,

And why I am feeling it today,

Exactly an year ago we met for the first time,

I in red and you in black,

I was happy, really happy to see you

Quarter past five was the time,

Your first words were Pi Hi,

“Oh so rhythmic” I thought 😂

Trying to gulp my laughter in a nick of time,

And then that cute cuddly hug,

I loved your friendly way,

Not finding any place in the cafe, so crowded,

You found some other place to reach,

Driving oh so slow intently,

Gleefully n gay,

Trust me, I love high speed driving

I was getting irritated but it was too awkward to say 😂

But how you were doing it, loud music, slow pace, goggles on, I simply loved your swaggy way,

And then you started testing my knowledge,

I knew the answers,

You wanted me to speak up but I hardly had anything else to say,

Let me digest that we have finally met

One year four months after chit-chatting n flirting

“Really this long??” My mind got to sway.

You were really really sweet,

A bit testing, opinionated and sensible too,

Why so like me? I just don’t say things and you do.

You and your black coffee,

I read the disappointment on your face

When I didn’t exchange our different coffee to taste,

I did it on purpose,

I wanted to test how you handle a disappointment,

Pretty good in that too,

I got it you don’t behave in haste.

I know you thought I was nervous

More than I could infer,

Though I was not and never with you,

My thoughts were running around observing you silently,

I was liking you so much

And your talk

And your smile in between was a comfort.

Ah..Then came the time to say goodbye,

First you on purpose, then me on purpose,

Insisted you to drop me at my place 😂

Dirty thoughts in your mind on the way,

And lots of laughter due to that in my headspace 🤣

“Yay.. nothing’s gonna happen,

What’s up in store about it after this,”

Was what was ruling my mind,

“Let’s not get intimate so early,

I don’t want this relation of that kind.”

But when the time came to part ways,

Right in front of my door,

And you just hugged and kissed me

Sweetly yet out of a sudden;

Oh man, did you evoke something in me,

I can’t describe it, that fire,

First meeting, sweet beginning, turned into something hot and me rudden.

But you remained a gentleman all throughtout the meeting,

And I did have to behave like a lady,

Yeah.. We had to,

Because there was nothing else we could do, not that we could never,

We could but not that day,

That day I didn’t know

But I got something for you,

Something to stay with me forever. ❤

Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, particularly of Perfectionism introduced.

Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder of Perfectionism is a real thing. Read the article in the link provided, you will get an insight into the issue.

/https://psychcentral.com/lib/ocd-perfectionism/

First of all, your question must be what OCD is.

OCD is a psychological disorder, a very common one; both diagnostically (cases in millions) and otherwise.

It refers to Excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviours (compulsions). Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterised by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviours.

(Source: google)

People have OCD about different patterns, for example, cleanliness, orderliness, success, looks, a particular project (of which a broader and deeper OCD has to be looked into). Some people have it about losing others. Some go through it regarding perfectionism.

Now, let’s talk about the deep seated reasons behind it. The reasons vary from person to person but the common factor behind its preliminary invocation is the formulation of a pattern regarding something important to a person. For example, a person A wants to be a successful football player. He works really hard to get selected in his school football team. He is putting all the efforts into it. But just like any other thing, there is uncertainty of his selection which keeps him afraid of not being selected in the team. Whenever he started practicing, he had his ups and downs as usual, but meanwhile he started noticing that whenever he wore a particular pair of socks, he did hit the goal, at least more often than while wearing the other pairs of socks. With time, he began associating that pair of socks with his success in his game. Gradually it became a pattern in his mind. After that, he could not think of having the courage to wear any other pair of socks because of the fear of failure during play. Here, wearing that pair bacame a part of his OCD.

OCD is a pattern that arises out of deep fears, which even if the person recognizes within oneself, is, most of the times, unable to get rid of unless and until that fear gets eliminated from that person’s mind which is highly likely that it does not go away until the root or substance of that fear has gotten eliminated out of his/her life completely.

In the given article, the ways to tackle with the OCD of Perfectionism have been described well. Kindly read it at least once if you have a fear of failure or fear of what other people think about you or being any less than perfect in front of the others or yourself or fear of making mistakes in general.

Personally, I have had OCD of cleanliness, organisation, loss of people, perfectionism and that related to failure. I have gotten rid of four of them to a good extent and it happened when I faced those fears. I tried to not be too clean all the time. I tried to be messy for days. I lost people. But this fear of failure and perfectionism is something I still need to tackle with and heal. I am sharing about my own OCD because I want you to know that if one person can do it, others also can; also, if it can be tackled with in one sphere of life, it can be done so in other spheres as well.

I, mostly, used Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on myself. I know that it sounds strange but it can be done. You can talk to yourself. But I would prefer consulting a counsellor or psycho-therapist, whichever suits you because one cannot reach the right solutions on one’s own in psychological problems and is much more likely to fall into the abyss of chaos of thoughts rather than detangling that stuff and adopting a cause and effect approach rationally. I have gone for therapy also but that was for some other reasons years ago but due to that I can tell the difference.

In case you need to know how I did it, you may contact me. And, in case you have tackled with it, you are more than welcome to share your ways and story. It might help somebody. Like I am half there, it’s okay to be half there as well. Feel free to share.

Thanks. 🙂