I don’t need reasons to be happy, I need reasons to be sad or depressed and I never go on looking for those reasons. That’s why I avoid most people. I am a happy, productive and entertaining person basically but outside energy always (and I really mean ALWAYS) becomes a block or a shadow over my positive n optimistic personality, and then I cannot get rid of it for weeks or months. I have traumas that I still haven’t talked about to a single person on earth (literally nobody even if a few of you know many of my secrets, still there are some things I never tell anyone; neither family, nor bestest of friends in the past nor even a therapist) but I know really well how to give it my all to my future rather than sulking in the past. Attachments happen but I can easily get rid of it, basically being a detached person. Failures happen but I usually have 2-3 more plans after that. My life flows generally as I expect it to. But outside energy always happens to be a block or a shadow over my positives. If I keep any person away, he/she has directly or indirectly added blocks in my life. Why would anyone think that I’d like to invite the same kind of energy in my life again??? I really am not interested in Jumping in the mud or letting people throw it at me and then waste my time n energy in cleaning myself of it whereas the best option always is to look at it, ignore and avoid it and move forward. I don’t know how other people’s mind work, but if they don’t get this basic thing, then it’s completely their problem. I want to keep somebody close who can be equally positive, clear-minded and productive, provided I have not seen the otherwise in them in the past, although everybody can change into the former kind but probability is uncertain to me, and I avoid uncertainty now. I don’t want somebody to give me anything or to add anything to my life, be it happiness or love or anything materialistic. I just want AN EQUAL who knows how to take care of himself, can be happy on his own, manage well his possessions, be productive most of the time, love by heart n soul, has got rid of his past traumas or wounds and related defence mechanisms (although more or less those defences always stay there but it can be dealt with sensibly) and is very clear about what he wants from me, from himself, his career n life in general, so that we can thrive together rather than any of us being a burden on the other. PURE PARTNERSHIP, NEITHER OWNERSHIP NOR PARENT-CHILD DYNAMIC.
(Written and first published on 9th October, 2020)
I am encaged in my horrific thoughts, You are handcuffed with my love outside. I try to scream and try to drive your attention to me, you don’t seem to hear, so I pull out a rage, Being crazy in all my might to get that attention, that affection, that love, That seems so distant to me in my plight. I call you names, you are handcuffed, I throw things at you, you are handcuffed, What is it made of? Steel or love?
It’s my love, my love. Why cannot you get rid of it and see reality, how much constrained I am right now.
Free me I want to free myself from this cage, Lest I would drag you alongwith me, in it, for life. I am hating and loving those hand-cuffs simultaneously, I want your complete surrender to my misery and plight, Yet, stay bound with those hand-cuffs So that they remind you of love, that I never meant to give you