LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS–

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

Quote: Core reason

What I am doing and what I am intending to do in future in time is everything that I don’t want to regret, not done, on my deathbed.

You and your reasons..

The whole situation doesn’t change but still, it feels better, when nobody knows where you are, what you are doing, and why you are where you are..

Only You and Your Reasons survive,

and if you become lucky they sometimes thrive..

YOUR REAL STRENGTH YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT.

You do not become a weak person as a whole if you fall from time to time and become heart-broken and cry.. It’s a strength to be vulnerable like that, actually, a lot of strength in it. People boast of being strong while being cunning and toxic, but they never know that they are actually the weakest. Strength lies in being true to yourself and accepting your emotions, no matter how low you feel feeling them. Only the strongest ones can touch the rock-bottom over and over again and bounce back higher than before every time..Even though it does not happen so every single time, still, seeing the rock bottom has a lot of strength in it.

Another thing only strong people can do is realizing their own mistakes and faults. You will mostly see the weakest ones doing wrong to others and having no explanation for that, even to themselves. It gives them cheap thrills to provoke, frustrate and suffocate others. But if you do something like that on impulse and can realize and apologize for your fault genuinely, and if you can learn how to get a grip over your impulses as well after such incidences, you are strong. You are very strong.

THIS IS SOMETHING I SAY TO MYSELF A LOT AND NOW, I AM PASSING IT TO YOU, SO THAT YOU KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE !! 🖤❤

(Originally posted on 1st feb,2021)

Top reasons for why I am difficult.

Why people find me too difficult to deal with:

1. I don’t get impressed with anything.

2. I don’t let anyone validate/control me.

3. I protect my boundaries like nothing else.

4. I am mostly on my own, about 99% of the times, and thus never afraid to live completely alone.

5. My mind catches their bullshit (if any) quicker than they can think of, although I don’t let them know about it longer they can think and I don’t fall into emotional trap as I am basically and generally an emotionally detached person.

And, this is healthy. This is way too healthy for confused and mentally unhealthy people that I get to know, and those who can maintain this level of these traits in their own personality do never or rarely find me difficult.

(2nd Aug, 2020)

Family’s inept love.

I really don’t understand their love for me,

when all they do is

to keep my body confined inside the fours of wall,

and cannot take care of their health properly

When all I want them to do is

To take care of themselves, that’s all.