Stay away from fake helpers(psychopaths) in order to really heal.

If you really want to heal, do not let any psychopath from your past help you even a bit. Some of them just want to boost their ego by doing so and others want to get something from you again, specially when you have had an experience of their selfishness in the past in the same sequence. If you let it happen, then the burden is put on you that you did not pay back, and then you will find yourself in the same loop of taking and giving ration of 1:2 (or maybe more). It’s not in the blood of some people to help without expecting something in return. Manipulation begins by giving you crumbs first and then expecting the whole loaf in return which you cannot afford over n over again with the same people and left with nothing in the end. If you will be unable to return the favour or will give equally and yet not what they want from you in return, you will be called selfish; if you will return them well and stop giving at some point, they will call you selfish again or somebody having no integrity; whereas if you will deny to get any help, you will be called egoistic. In any situation, you will be blamed for anything you will do just to keep you tied to their little finger or to make you a doormat for their mental and emotional filth. Some of those bitches would love to see you suffer emotionally because of their own miserable mentality. Here, let me tell you, being called egoistic for cutting them off is much much better than going through the same manipulative loop, getting your energy drained completely, losing a lot of relationships, your ability to trust anyone, your mental and physical health, etc. You have to remember that this psychopathy(narcissistic disorder) has no cure. It’s better to kick those people out of your life rather than being manipulated immensely, just because you want to look like a good person. You will find some much better people in the future for sure who will match your level of honesty, loyalty and integrity.

Who is to be blamed??

One of my biggest regrets would be to become too damn tough and difficult on the one whom I loved for decades and giving more than enough chances to someone even half of which he never deserved. But it’s all good. I did it for the happiness of both of them. I could not Choose Me at the right time. I chose unconditional love for both. I could not choose somebody who could give me everything on my demand, though I knew he was ready, he was so ready. I thought he was happy with somebody else; probably he was, and still is; I don’t know much.

Now I am unsure if I should say FUCK YOU to the undeservingly loved one or to my overly principled self.

Darkness and secrets.

Do you ever feel like having a very open conversation with someone from your past(5 yrs) about why you could not let them come close to you.. ? why did you hate them.. why can’t you ever trust them? what dark secrets you are hiding from everyone.. ? almost everyone..but you cannot tell.. because that one will blame you again for everything or maybe spill the beans to a group or two or maybe will loathe you whole of your life about those secrets secretly…..

And somehow those secrets make you hate yourself but they were the reason behind all that for you; because you were not in the mind to choose better behaviour for yourself that time??

I hope one day you get somebody to whom you can open up your heart and mind like that completely.