Right answer.

Some of us don’t tell what’s wrong with you because, first of all, you are too old for somebody else to be telling you that; secondly, we know you are not going to change or if you do, that will be quite temporary, so, we really don’t like to waste our words on you.

Kinda irony, kinda paradox.

Kinda feeling like not giving a single fuck,

Kinda feeling bad about both the guys (her bf n my love),

Betrayers think that loyal ones are fools

And by this thought, they prove themselves to be the biggest fools.

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

What serious psychopaths/narcs do?

1. Hide their real identity.

2. Instigate/provoke certain behavior in other person.

3. Try to confuse the other person.

4. Upon getting a reaction out of that other person due to that confusion created, call that person a psychopath.

5. Gossip about it to other people or make open accusations about the reactions.

If you fight well with the psychopath, you will be considered a psychopath; and if you get emotional, you will be sympathised with considering you weak mentally; and if you ignore, you will be instigated/provoked again after an interval of time and maybe in a different way.

Stay alert. If you won’t keep these things in your mind, it will be very easy for a psychopath or narcissist to manipulate you and/or people known to you. It’s very easy to be provoked but consider that the one who has hidden his identity is already a Coward, and who has gossipped or gathered others to discuss you or your reactions is Mentally Weak.

:)

“At the least, he doesn’t hate me” says a lot about your past experiences with psychopaths, the pain that you felt and the self-worth that you lowered due to them.

Stay in your LA LA LAND..

You will mostly find me as the last person leaving a weak or toxic person or relationship. It is not because I am a co-dependent or needy, it’s because I am quite strong mentally to live on my own and much more accepting of other people’s weaknesses, specially when I begin to relate to somebody quite closely. It is out of pure or unconditional love, but slowly and gradually I begin to realize that the same person begins to take me as a fool, that I do not get to see what that person is doing. The truth is that I actually cannot see what wrong is happening because I have other better things to do than wasting my energy in Trying to Know the activities of the other person; believe it or not, I am too busy and uninterested in that kind of shit (stalking) but my intuition guides me when something wrong is happening and then I get the clues as well.

Moreover, they never think twice before leaving, but when I am in a good place and everybody leaves them, then they expect me to stay?? Because why not, a good hearted person can always be expected to stay and be taken for granted. And when such foolish people become sure of me staying, they tend to give that secure energy to others who would not assure them of even half of me but surely will give such a person a glimpse of the La La Land which does not exist or will never exist.

Sad enough, some people take the realest people for granted for something that would vanish at the slightest hint of hardship, even after getting the proof of the same as an experience.

Not a stalker.

I don’t keep on stalking anyone

Unlike these dumb women do,

When my intuition hits me hard that something is going wrong

Only then I try to find the cue.

Need to unfuck..

I have seen your five hundred shades of fuckedupness,

But I am sure you have five thousand more,

I’d love to seize the opportunity to know,

Not just for the sake of knowing

But for removing anything about you

From my mind that’s obscure;

Believe me, I don’t want to take your burdens,

I have many of my own,

I just want to uncage you

From the bounds of your own mind,

I want to bury the seeds of love,

Water them with care

So that we can reap the eternal love that is sown.

Mind gripped..

That one tip tracing my every nerve

Pushing me closer to the heaven

Leaving a trail

Making a map,

Of his desire

Over my flushed skin

And ruling my mind

Leaving between us

no gap..

Blasting out.

Faking happiness to make others jealous??

Naah..

Who needs to do that when they can burn with the truth??

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