Reminiscing my nature.

I can’t even explain how I think. Many live in and for experiences. I really don’t seek them. I don’t seek events to make memories about them. I don’t think that we are what we create or some experiences can create us (ok particularly me here). How I take experiences is purely the mental stimulators or catalysts for different thinking. As far as I remember nothing has changed me much. Those who know me now or at whatever period of time they might have known me may think that I have changed a lot. But that’s not true. They have only seen my behaviour for a short period of time n for a few events or so on but my basic nature has always been like this only.

I was always quiet in front of the outsiders (school, college, relatives functions, strangers etc.) and quiet in my own home maybe for eternity.. but.. whenever I wanted to socialise I was one hella fun person. I was always the one who organised family functions to the T (not the labour part, ok). I was always sporty whenever anyone came to the house (n got comfy in the family) to play a game or two. I made jokes whenever I observed something laugh-worthy in the surroundings. I was analysing situations, people’s behaviour and dynamics of different kinds right from my very childhood (like since the age of 6-7 years old). I always observed a lot. Like really.. I can very confidently say that I filter about 95-98% of things that I observe just because I find them quite useless including people who think that they can always sneak, tresspass, abuse n escape.. “Nope ! You didn’t. I did let you because you are not important at all.” If you think that I have become angrier, that too, is in my nature by birth, though the outlets have changed. I used to store it all or tended to flush off that energy by playing cricket for two hours daily in the evening (though with my brother n father only). It was really a good release of energy then. Now I feel like not storing any shit in my mind n release it all through words. If we talk about confidence. I always had a very good amount of self-confidence but I was always quiet about it because I was getting regular recognition about my capability through professors n results etc. Now I have to show it in other ways because of the wake of social media as in this era if you don’t verbalise or show your capabilities, then you are considered not to have them at all and those who are ept at showing off, become successful, though they might have half of your capabilities.

The point is.. I was always more or less similar..Not much has changed.. Neither my nature, nor my strength.. It’s just that those who have started to know different sides of me or my deeper layers, they think that I have changed a lot; they actually never knew me. Really.. Never..

Strangest thing about me: I do the things, I hate to do, the most. This one I still cannot understand why. Sooner or later, I end up doing things that I really hate.

Strongest point about me: I really, and by this I mean REALLY, I don’t give a fuck about who thinks what about me.

Weakest point about me: I won’t actualise something until I have done it to perfection, exactly the way I visualised it, and even after reaching that point I keep polishing it so that it can reach a point to my utmost satisfaction.

The best thing I find about my life: No matter how filthy situations, events or people I deal with, my bounce back game is strong AF, stronger than many, and I don’t mean it by the show off part, I mean it about things considered valuable.

(Originally posted on 28th Dec, 2020)

Adage of current unwillingness.

Parsimony on affection

Inattention to winsome love,

Bygone, a few years adieu,

We may carry the baggage

with memoirs of the lost time and youth

In which we could cherish the beauty of life

And conquer the world together

In unison, me and you.

(First published on 12th March, 2021)

Lacking..

I lose interest out of nowhere

And it’s not that I don’t care,

I just have too many resposibilities to take

I have got very little time and soul to spare,

Love filled affection I lack today

That is something I really can’t fake.

Boundaries with an ex are important.

I don’t know how people make it look otherwise but not creating a complete boundary with an ex who still has feelings for you is a disrespect to your current partner. Being friends with an ex is okay when both of you have ‘moved on’ in every sense of the phrase. ‘Been there, done that’. I blocked people completely from my life till they learned that they did not and could never have access to me like before no matter how much I loved them in the past. Boundaries are crucial. Do not play innocent whereas in reality playing with two; trying to get security from one in every sense and mental satisfaction from another. It never ends well.

Experience against a psychopath.

If a psychopath has a crush on me, I am not the problem at all.

Psychopaths do have unattainable goals be it any person; it aggrandizes their fragile ego in case they succeed in getting that person and to get that high/reach that peak, they keep chasing that person hiding the agenda from everyone and even using their own so-called friends without even letting them know and those poor fellows innocently do everything on the whims of that psychopath.

I have strong intuition. Most of the times, as I have judged anyone, it has proved to be true with time and sometimes it has begun being obvious to others as well. So, definitely, my mind works really well, it’s only an envious psychopath who tries to twist things about n around me so that others find me as the problematic one.

Take the right stand, don’t get swayed.

You will always see a wrong doer/criminal/psycho doing something impressive right before and after doing something sneaky, so that nobody believes the victim or the consequences of the exposure of reality can be softened. It does not happen because the culprit has changed, it happens just to avoid the feelings of shame and punishment. It does not happen because the wrong was done in innocense, it happens because the culprit is clever and evil to put a veil on everything or anything wrong done to others.

Sorry for those who cannot see reality clearly,

Sorry for those who believe the glitters put over shit.

Softening up or having empathy for the culprit is indeed one of the ways to create injustice against the victim.

Keeping your eyes closed to the sickness will not vanish the sickness,

it always needs some medicine to be cured,

and unrecognized sickness can kill,

Both the sick one and many other innocent ones in the end if left uncured.

Extra public that has never been friendly otherwise.

How can you be happy on somebody’s heartbreak??

You think that love is a rat race??

If one is heart-broken from somebody else

You think you have gained that one by default??

Like one has to belong to one or the other

Rather than being for oneself during that halt,

Nobody needs your sympathy or applause,

Please meet a psychiatrist if you cannot understand this simple stance,

Rather than like this falling from grace.

:)

“At the least, he doesn’t hate me” says a lot about your past experiences with psychopaths, the pain that you felt and the self-worth that you lowered due to them.

Not a stalker.

I don’t keep on stalking anyone

Unlike these dumb women do,

When my intuition hits me hard that something is going wrong

Only then I try to find the cue.

Mind gripped..

That one tip tracing my every nerve

Pushing me closer to the heaven

Leaving a trail

Making a map,

Of his desire

Over my flushed skin

And ruling my mind

Leaving between us

no gap..