One of my favourite memories of childhood is, going for an exam on a rainy day.
Because of the following reasons:
1. Freshness of air and the smell of the earth on a rainy day just calms the anxiety to a great extent, and it used to do so back then as well.
2. Mess as well as joy it used to create amongst kids. More squeeling and screaming with joy than the usual. 😂
3. Cool breeze and cool weather makes me think better, and it used to back then as well.
4. No morning assembly. What a relief !! It means lesser physical movement and thus more energy stored that could be used in writing AND more time to revise last minute. Literally no mental distraction.
5. Rain usually makes me happy-happy right from my very childhood. 💃💃💃💃💃
I wish so badly that you were still here. You were such a great guide to me, A guide, friend and philosopher; and such a beautiful human being, so helpful, knowledgeable, intelligent, disciplinarian, understanding, selfless and humble and most of all, an examplary father. I cannot praise you enough. I tried to imbibe a lot of your traits, though unsuccessfully. You are still an epitome of strength to me and your absence will always feel like a big hollow in my heart and void in my soul. Surely, we are connected by soul but your humanly wisdom is what I miss a lot and most of all, your quite presence that always encouraged me to do better n better every single time I looked at you. You were my inspiration. Despite having so many hardships in life, you always had a smile on your face, depth in your eyes and hustle in your body and mind and not giving up in your spirit. I used to gain strength just after having a look at you, and if not that, you used to push me to do better and never give up. I know life was not fair to you. It never was till your last breath. Also, I want to apologize to you for not standing upto the mark.
I can never forget the day when I did not have the book during one of my last semester exams ‘law and medicine’, you did not let me know that you were out there in the markets of mumbai walking here and there for hours under the scorching heat, despite having cancer, not having eaten anything whole day, just to find that one book that was unavailable. That day I felt so helpless because I knew you’d do anything for me and I was never doing enough for you. I still feel helpless for that reason that I could never do anything good enough for you except studying, and I know that you also wanted me to do that but the responsibilities any child can take for his/her parents I could never take that. The time I could do that, you died; and that will always feel like a big incapacity on my part.
The thing you wanted the most for me, because I wanted that, I am quitting on that too. I guess, you will understand that too but I wish you were here to guide me better, I am sorry I am being selfish here but I really need you. I miss you so much that I cannot describe it in words. Sometimes I even feel like dying just to meet you. But I will try to be happy because I know you are always around and it makes you happy too, and it’s going to take long for us to meet in the same realm. Nobody can understand me better than you, I can say that without a doubt, we had silent agreements and logical disagreements. Many people say that I am just like you, I feel proud to listen to that but I am nothing near to you, some of your friends even called you a saint, I wish you could know (I think you heard them) and I cannot agree more.
In the end, I only want to say that I got blessed with a father like you and got cursed with your absence, but truly, you have been the best person I have even known. I wish I could tell you all this when you were alive but I know that you know what and how I feel about you and I wish we could spend this day together for several more years.
This is what happens when you don’t have a single book or any study material for a couple of your exams. 😢😭
PS- If you write a very good 15 marks answer about a political party (INC) in India which is not in rule or is not the favourite one of the examiner, you may get very bad marks in that paper. I genuinely felt so in that PPI (Political parties and electoral politics in India) paper because my paper was pretty well-written and the marks given were shocking to me to a good extent.
3 years ago, I had my very important Delhi Judicial Exam (Preliminary). I was deceived by a friend. I had lost someone whom I loved. I was in despair, trying very hard to focus on studies, in delhi.
Suddenly, my so-called former Best Friend Turned Love, (someone who himself started calling me Bestie first), Drunk AF, texted me “I need you. I need your hug so badly. You went there without meeting me. I am feeling like crying.” reading which I got really concerned and tried to console him for whatever he was feeling and tried to figure out the reason so that I could help him. But he said “your exam is too important for you, I am nothing” which really angered me at that moment as he did not say a single thing like that against my exam or described to me anything that he was feeling low for any reasons. I had gotten it by then that he was drunk and sad, to which he admitted later on. But despite going through a lot of shit myself, I still lend him a helping hand and tried to console him.
Later on and NOW whenever I feel sad or depressed, listening to me or trying to understand me is a far off thing, he runs away, and through one or the other social media page he tries to convey me this message 👇
I really don’t understand, first of all, when did I share any of my sadness to him?? I do not depend on anyone for my happiness. AND honestly speaking, LOSERS LIKE HIM are not even capable of giving anyone any happiness. Giving me disappointments and depression, yes, that’s his Forte. I don’t get it in which of his La La Land he thinks that I ever depended on him for my happiness.
Moreover, if I have to do everything by myself, including staying alone when I am feeling depressed, and do every single thing by myself for my success and happiness,, why the fuck would I let him come into my life when I am at my best?? For him to reap my rewards that I had sown and watered?? For him to enjoy all the good times only and run away like a fucking weakass loser when times get tough?? For him to suck up all of my good energy, draining me completely and walk all over me and never giving me a thing??
Does he know that he is immature, not good enough and incapable of being with anyone, leave alone me, because I am still doing much better than him even during sadness and depression??
Is he good enough who thinks that he will be available only to enjoy the goody-good stuff and otherwise just behave like a coward whenever I would need him or anyone, that too, only for being there with me at my lows and not demanding anything from him in those times??
“You couldn’t give me even one-fourth of what I gave you, emotionally, mentally and energetically. With what shit mouth you say that I should be responsible for my happiness. I got it a long time ago that you are incapable of giving me anything. I don’t even expect anyone to give me happiness but I am sure that someone equal to me in every sense will reciprocate with me at every level, not a loser like you. Last but not the least, how do you think that I still talk about a deceptive loser like you when I talk about love, who couldn’t even be a loyal friend??”