LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

Dreamy ending.

One day, when you sit by the window, in a cafe, thinking about the past, thinking about that one person who you know kept you as a priority for the longest time n loved you deeply,

Just remember one thing,

No matter what has happened between you n them,

No matter how much time has passed,

No matter the distance,

That one gives no shit.

Brother ❤

Fifteen years of beautiful life,

Turned

Fifteen years of beautiful memory.

Bound in liberation.

A sigh of relief left my lips

When your lips suckled on my neck

Was it a moment of liberation

Or was it a moment of being bound

I kept on thinking

But found the answer in feelings.

(First published on 4th Aug, 2020)

Adage of current unwillingness.

Parsimony on affection

Inattention to winsome love,

Bygone, a few years adieu,

We may carry the baggage

with memoirs of the lost time and youth

In which we could cherish the beauty of life

And conquer the world together

In unison, me and you.

(First published on 12th March, 2021)

Scorer..

How will you sum up your education in schooling years?

In 90’s I used to get more than and more of 90’s..

Bass wahi yaad kar-karke zindgi katt rhi hai.. (continuing my life remembering that only) 😂🤣

Playful axioms..

Tapping random buttons on the neuron junctions,

The memories get lost on the neural-pathways when fantasy functions.

You make me feel free.

You know how it feels to lose control?

I got to know that in those moments

When we could say anything with no bounds

No filter in our talks,

Or I say I found it more

When you made with your teeth those marks?

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