Convincing my mind- Speaking Up.

A lot of the times, I have to make my own mind convinced that those who have not studied Law, don’t get the Principle of Things as much as those who have studied it, and those who have not studied psychology really cannot understand the tactics of manipulation, realness and worn mask for Image Maintenance; And those who have studied both, really know the means and effects of PROVOCATION.

So yeah, people can Bitch about me behind my back, take the wrong side all the time or be toxic to me despite me suffering the dirty mind games of someone else, Still, in the end, I find contentment in that my Character is much much stronger than anyone’s fake image.

Anyone who has studied n has experience in both of these can straight up tell the difference.

And, coming onto social and peer pressure, I am an acer at standing alone and against the crowd who doesn’t get the principle of things.

If even after me suffering from mental turmoil and offended boundaries and being Provoked continuously, anyone is going to call me Toxic for reacting to the Shit a Bitch was throwing at me, those who Bitch behind my Back are also the same Toxic Bitches, they never know better and are only happy in their own Delusioned Little World of Fake Ass Shit !!

Nevermind ! I know how to handle such Bitches who first waste my time and energy and then ACT like the Goody-Good to gain validation and sympathy only, when I try to return their Trash Energy. ALAS ! returning that toxic shit is too Taxing on my mental n physical health. I am sure that such a Bitch has nothing important to do in her life, but My Every Single Minute Is Valuable as only I know what it entails to me.

(Original posting date: 20th april,2021)

Projection of neediness on the other person.

One thing I never do is to say it out loud that “I am the one you need” to any of my partners (past, present or prospective). I leave it on the other person to realize it or miss out on it. There is a lot of projection and manipulation in this phrase. Usually, the needy one tries to make the other feel needy of them and saying it quite loud is manipulative because then the other person really gets confused and somewhat begins to think the same way when this sentence is repeated too many times. It’s manipulative to say the least because it feels suffocating to be called what you are not (needy here) and being forced to be attached when you are not that attached. It’s a way to unnerve the other person or to try to make them look weak to themselves and to try to be a fake strength or help for them. You can understand by now that it’s a way of over-exaggeration of one’s importance in another’s life to hide one’s own weakness and neediness.

“If you don’t feel that way about anyone certainly, do not let them say this to you. Make it quite clear to them that you are not the needy one; maybe they are. And if you too are the needy one, then that’s a different thing. But still, if you don’t keep on saying this to them, then they also shouldn’t. Be very clear to others where and how you are needy, and where and how they are projecting their neediness on you. “

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

Never a misunderstanding.

Some unfaithful and cheating men/women be like “you/they don’t understand me.”

“We, the stable minded people, do understand you Baby Girl/Baby Boy. We understand what you are doing. We understand that you do not have the maturity in you. We understand that you do not have good self-control and we do understand that you are just trying to play with other people’s minds and emotions dependent upon your own fickle-mindedness and selfishness. Believe me, we do understand you really well.”

Heart to heart.

I hope you understand me by listening to your inner voice

Like I did for you

Without paying any heed to any outer noise.