MINE 💜

Kill or be killed for you

Kind of a person.

(Original publishing date: 05 Dec, 2020)

That thin line..😂

My extremes in relationships are I WILL WAIT AND LOVE YOU TILL ALL OF YOUR EXES SETTLE DOWN IN HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS AND YOU MOVE ON FROM THEM COMPLETELY WITH THE AFFECTION AND ASSURANCE I KEEP ON GIVING YOU BECAUSE I KNOW I AM STRONG AND CAN BEAR EVERYTHING FOR THAT ONE OF A LIFETIME LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU AND WHICH I FEEL IS GOING TO LAST TILL ETERNITY

and

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?? YOU MUST BE THINKING THAT YOU ARE THE UNFORGETTABLE KING OF THE WORLD BUT YOUR PETTY ASS NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU LITERALLY MEAN NOTHING TO ME. GO TO HELL !

And there is a thin line between the two which I reach after a long time of keeping patience and forgiving for way too many times.

Glad in the end..

I didn’t know intensity

And compassion from the other side,

until I got to know you;

and no matter how much I hated you for years in the past

for leaving me,

these are the virtues

that I have found only in you;

I am not saying this because I want something,

It’s just a way of gratitude

for I got to know somebody like you.

Nightmare of Helplessness-Interpretation required.

This is a paragraph that I have found as a dream interpretation. I don’t know why I see some horrible dreams full of helplessness. I need some more clues or clear interpretation as to what actually they mean.

So, today I saw one such dream, or I say, a nightmare. Dream was quite long but I am writing about only that part that is bothering me the most.. My father and I were in a marketplace and he had an argument with a wholesale merchant about the price of some products, which he denied to buy, started going down a lane in the open in frustration. I was following him. I was a kid. I heard the merchant calling some men for attacking us. My father was walking with a good speed, I was lagging behind. I was trying to speed up as he was not listening to me when I was trying to tell him what I heard. Suddenly, a group of four-five goons came, held him and did beat him so mercilessly. They broke his that arm completely whose elbow was broken in real. He was drenched in blood. He initially tried to fight but all in vain. It all happened within seconds. They kept on beating him, and finally he died. I was at a distance, some people held me and I screamed like never before out of innate helplessness. Then I woke up.

Once in a while, I see such nightmares of immense helplessness in which always a group is attacking, mostly I see myself being attacked by mob, stabbed with knives, or killed in some ruthless ways. Fights, Bloodshed and death by a group or mob is the main theme of most of my nightmares. This time it was related to my father, which increased my intensity manifolds, that too about which I could not do anything. This was the feeling of helplessness like never before.

Is there anyone who can interpret dreams/nightmates and their symbols paychologically or throw some light?

Mind gripped..

That one tip tracing my every nerve

Pushing me closer to the heaven

Leaving a trail

Making a map,

Of his desire

Over my flushed skin

And ruling my mind

Leaving between us

no gap..

You make me feel free.

You know how it feels to lose control?

I got to know that in those moments

When we could say anything with no bounds

No filter in our talks,

Or I say I found it more

When you made with your teeth those marks?

Pioneer of my own life.

I cannot explain this enough

how much I hate to be defensive

And explain my actions

As well as inaction..

Assume whatever

But keep it to yourself;

This is for whosoever

I came or will come into interaction;

I repeat

I owe nobody any explanation

For what I do

Or feel the need to show it off,

Although I may do it in fraction,

But I do everything to my standards’ satisfaction,

I steer my life in my own way,

I know what I did, doing and will do,

I don’t need from anybody else a single direction.

Robbing the veracity of victim’s truth. Tactics of a narc-part-3

“You are not sounding good.”

“You are miserable.”

“You cannot live peacefully.”

“You have inner work to do and improve upon what you say.”

“You are bitter.”

“You know only fight.”

“Spare me. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Leave me alone. I don’t want to listen to you.”

“ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS CONSIDER YOU MAD.”

A few responses of a narcissist when you begin to speak your truth; because when you do not share anything to anyone, the narcissist has an upper hand over you as he can tell anything to anyone about you, about your relationship with the narc, and your relation with others. It’s quite easy to brainwash others when you stay silent. When you begin to share your side of the story, that is the time when the narc pulls this kind of tactics to break you, shun you and silence your voice. It will never be done with facts. It will always be done with emotionally and socially acceptable manipulation in which your behavioural standard is first of all lowered down by getting a reaction out of you after giving you sly remarks on your work, ethics, behaviour, character etc. about which nobody or very few people (narc’s joinders) know, and when your behaviour comes out as sometimes socially unacceptable, then the narc uses this kind of manipulation to demean you and to lower the veracity of your reality in the eyes of others by showing them that there is a problem in you, not in the narc.

Always remember that the one telling the truth in a dynamic with a narc always sounds crazy, and it’s easy for the narc to prove it because the victim generally stays silent for a very long time due to various reasons (which I will discuss later) and when it becomes almost impossible to hide the truth, then the emotions explode intensely which makes others feel like the victim is imbalanced and of which narc always takes advantage.

How can you know who is lying here??

Ask for the explanation in details about the reality of each side from each side. Most often, the narc will reply with “I don’t know” or “I am wrong. I accept that. Please leave me alone.” or “She/he is crazy.” Or “I have better things to do. She/he needs help.” This kind of responses are given because the narc never has clarity of thought and those (narcs) who have, they have planned every step on how to bind the other person in a mental loop of abusive action and intense reaction. The explanation will never be factual from the narc’s side, mostly emotional, with distorted facts involving mostly the blame game or pity party.

Victim feels attacked for years and stays silent but when finally reacts, is considered insane, bitter, or narc and all the time when the victim stays silent, staying away from people due to depression or anxiety or paranoia that anybody can be an acquaintance of the narc, then the victim is considered self-centered and selfish (again the blame game).

My advice here is that, if you ever feel abused mentally or emotionally, do not stay silent about it. Talk about it to somebody trustworthy, and never to anyone in common relation to you and the narc. The more you will delay the reactions, the more you will sound crazy because at some point other people will also think that why you did not say anything at the time of abuse, and then you cannot explain enough.

Why not??

People destroy your life beyond repair

And then expect you to sympathize with their pity party.

Because why not?

Crocodile tears shown afterwards always have appeal.

Lightened off..

Not knowing

what’s on going

I know life wants me to keep enjoying

Every feeling

Every impulse I gain

Not wanting me to numb down

Needing me to love everything

Like, love, loss and pain

Stigmatic as I could be

About being so psychic

I know nothing like intuition now-a-days

Feeling free from that heavy load

I am stunned with the sensory relief

Though I am feeling everything

I am unburdened of intuitive grief.