LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS–

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

Note to self.

Don’t go back to your old ways,

Try to get out of that mud,

There is love and light for you to grow,

You are still an about to bloom bud,

Hands folded, head held high,

You have to forget your heart’s cry,

When something and someone is pure,

It is rewarded for sure,

Let the times be obscure,

You have to hear past the tumultous,

The sound of nature,

It bestows the real things the strength to endure;

Even if your heart is breaking into a billion pieces,

Just let the rivers of pain flow,

Because days and nights keep shifting,

But always after the darkness,

We feel the sunrise’s glow.

(First published on 17th Jan, 2020)

Extra public that has never been friendly otherwise.

How can you be happy on somebody’s heartbreak??

You think that love is a rat race??

If one is heart-broken from somebody else

You think you have gained that one by default??

Like one has to belong to one or the other

Rather than being for oneself during that halt,

Nobody needs your sympathy or applause,

Please meet a psychiatrist if you cannot understand this simple stance,

Rather than like this falling from grace.

Miss__communicated.

Honestly, I am more disappointed with myself rather than disappointed with him for taking him as having good intentions at last, despite knowing the reality of his character for years.

Some dynamics stay the same,

Don’t blame the events,

When energy can be nothing but the same,

Forgiveness is a good virtue

Not for those having no sense of accountability

Or who just like to slip away

without any apology

They are toxic

No matter if you wanted to keep them close

Or if you did let them stay away.

Self-evaluate your reactions.

If anybody got offended by my last post, it only means that either they were finding pleasure and validation in my pain, which by any means is toxic, or they are over-analysing what I write. In both the cases, they need to find their mental balance and stop being overly reactionary.

The above-mentioned post.

PS- I am not giving any explanation about my behaviour here as I do not owe it to anyone for what I write. I am just trying to reflect on people’s reactivity so that they can heal on their own by self-evaluation.

Karmic lessons.

The truth is that Karma does not see how you try to sneak away as a little naughty kid, it holds you tight for the wrongs you did with an adult daviant mind. If you have ever knowingly took away something belonging to someone else, something with similar importance to you will be taken away from you. Never have a doubt about it. Karma is the ultimate truth. Your immaturity is not innocense. Being mature and trying one’s best not to hurt anyone or take advantage of others or take anything not earned with genuine efforts, be it something materistic as possessions or abstract as love, feelings or emotions, is not that difficult when you are internally a good person. When you have a deviant mind, though subconsciously, you will find it hard to do the right things and will do anything your lower conscious self urges you to do and when you will do it, you’d like to get away with it like nothing wrong happened, because you do not have a good sense of Accountability; but no matter how immature (or innocent as you’d like to call yourself) or ignorant you are, you always have to pay for your malicious intentions and actions (separately as well as combined). Also, Karma takes into account your actions as well as reactions. How you react to an action in a given circumstance in a particular context is how you will receive the reaction when you tend to act in similar circumstances and context. This goes for feelings and emotions as well. It’s like karma is that force that keeps you in a loop unless you decide to act or react differently. The change lies in you. If you don’t opt for vengeance when somebody hurts you, stay silent though hurt about it, somebody in the future will be that patient with you whereas the one who did hurt you will be hurt by somebody else. And in case, a hurt or action has taken away from someone that could last forever if you did not intervene, stay assured that something of that much value will be taken away from you too. You can be apologetic about it, that person might have forgiven you but the action exists and it reverts back to you no matter what. The same goes for creating confusion in anyone’s life, intentionally or unintentionally.

CONTROL YOUR DESIRES THAT LEAD TO ANIMAL CRUELTY.

Imagine somebody takes you out of your home, murders you, takes out your skin, cuts your body into tiny pieces and then fries you.

That’s what happens to animals when you eat non-vegetarian food.

It’s still okay if the animal has died naturally and you are using its body. But killing animals particularly for your taste buds is more inhumane that you can imagine. Similar is about using animal products. Just imagine somebody killing you only for your skin or teeth or bones.

Animals are not as intelligent as humans but humans really take advantage of their only exceptional virtue, otherwise we are quite similar.

If you cannot stop using animal products altogether, at least, reduce their intake to their good extent so that the their demand reduces in market and thus the need for its supply. Otherwise, animal cruelty has reached heights (you need to watch a few videos about how they live peacefully just before their killing and are shredded to pieces mercilessly thereafter).

EGO-BREAK.

Some seem like having a brutal heart-break,

Don’t be confused,

It can only be an EGO-BREAK,

Many symptoms are quite similar,

Don’t be fooled.

FOUND WITHIN ME..

“Right in the middle of chaos,

When the eyes lose their dreams,

When the mind will be shattered,

When the soul will feel like flying away from your body,

When the blood will be cold,

When the sun will feel eclipsed,

When the winds will turn into storms,

When the hills will be melting,

When there will be no hope,

I’ll meet you there”, he said,

The one who wants to hold me tight,

And wants to win for me any fight,

with that selfless love,

My imaginary lover;

My darkness would haunt me with these thoughts

The thoughts of my past..

With a hope in my heart

To find hope and love in someone else forever.

There is no mess, storm and darkness,

My blood is free flowing,

My soul is pure,

I am my own cure,

My mind full of light and existence glowing;

I am glad that I found my love,

Within me, for me, forever. ❤

NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.. 🙂

Not afraid anymore,

About judgements,

About reputation,

About feeling too much,

About being feelingless,

About accepting and telling my truth,

About disappointing those who deserve to be disappointed,

About misunderstandings,

About my future,

About my telling my traumas,

About healing,

About failing,

About my weaknesses,

About showing my strength,

About standing up for myself,

About putting myself first,

About letting people go,

About throwing off negativity to its source,

About people,

About doing whatever the fuck I want to do,

Not Afraid Anymore.