Reminiscing my nature.

I can’t even explain how I think. Many live in and for experiences. I really don’t seek them. I don’t seek events to make memories about them. I don’t think that we are what we create or some experiences can create us (ok particularly me here). How I take experiences is purely the mental stimulators or catalysts for different thinking. As far as I remember nothing has changed me much. Those who know me now or at whatever period of time they might have known me may think that I have changed a lot. But that’s not true. They have only seen my behaviour for a short period of time n for a few events or so on but my basic nature has always been like this only.

I was always quiet in front of the outsiders (school, college, relatives functions, strangers etc.) and quiet in my own home maybe for eternity.. but.. whenever I wanted to socialise I was one hella fun person. I was always the one who organised family functions to the T (not the labour part, ok). I was always sporty whenever anyone came to the house (n got comfy in the family) to play a game or two. I made jokes whenever I observed something laugh-worthy in the surroundings. I was analysing situations, people’s behaviour and dynamics of different kinds right from my very childhood (like since the age of 6-7 years old). I always observed a lot. Like really.. I can very confidently say that I filter about 95-98% of things that I observe just because I find them quite useless including people who think that they can always sneak, tresspass, abuse n escape.. “Nope ! You didn’t. I did let you because you are not important at all.” If you think that I have become angrier, that too, is in my nature by birth, though the outlets have changed. I used to store it all or tended to flush off that energy by playing cricket for two hours daily in the evening (though with my brother n father only). It was really a good release of energy then. Now I feel like not storing any shit in my mind n release it all through words. If we talk about confidence. I always had a very good amount of self-confidence but I was always quiet about it because I was getting regular recognition about my capability through professors n results etc. Now I have to show it in other ways because of the wake of social media as in this era if you don’t verbalise or show your capabilities, then you are considered not to have them at all and those who are ept at showing off, become successful, though they might have half of your capabilities.

The point is.. I was always more or less similar..Not much has changed.. Neither my nature, nor my strength.. It’s just that those who have started to know different sides of me or my deeper layers, they think that I have changed a lot; they actually never knew me. Really.. Never..

Strangest thing about me: I do the things, I hate to do, the most. This one I still cannot understand why. Sooner or later, I end up doing things that I really hate.

Strongest point about me: I really, and by this I mean REALLY, I don’t give a fuck about who thinks what about me.

Weakest point about me: I won’t actualise something until I have done it to perfection, exactly the way I visualised it, and even after reaching that point I keep polishing it so that it can reach a point to my utmost satisfaction.

The best thing I find about my life: No matter how filthy situations, events or people I deal with, my bounce back game is strong AF, stronger than many, and I don’t mean it by the show off part, I mean it about things considered valuable.

(Originally posted on 28th Dec, 2020)

Let’s Update..

Netflix and chill is outdated,

Let’s cuddle, steal kisses, and share unshared stories.

(First published on 16th may,21)

Adage of current unwillingness.

Parsimony on affection

Inattention to winsome love,

Bygone, a few years adieu,

We may carry the baggage

with memoirs of the lost time and youth

In which we could cherish the beauty of life

And conquer the world together

In unison, me and you.

(First published on 12th March, 2021)

Holistic neutrality.

It’s not about a single race,

A single person,

A single place,

It’s more about the power in the wrong hands,

That many go through unsafe periods of even personal space;

“Power does corrupt

Absolute power corrupts absolutely”,

Laski was right..

If you ask me

there is no single ideology alone

That can lead and develop the world,

Holistic approach can only save us

Against this corruptive fight.

(Written on 3rd june, 2020)

Self-worth..

I used to fit

into the tiniest box

that only had a wrapping paper looking like love,

I take up my whole space now,

the good n bad,

the clean n nasty,

and see who can fill me up with love

like oxygen somehow.

(Written on 30th oct, 2020)

Susceptible to something..

Surrender of words,

Absence of feelings,

Tsunami of thoughts,

Absurdity of reelings,

Am I depressed??

Not yet..

Lusting to wander in nature,

Thunder, sunshine, flora or fauna’s creature,

Need something for nothing to do,

Desiring workload as well some leisure’s curvature,

Am I anxious??

Not yet !

Disruption..

And if we can make it together,

What’s making the gap so wide?

(28th dec,2020)

QUOTE- MEDIOCRE VERSUS AVID-LEARNER.

You will usually see mediocrity seeking validation in/from groups and avid learners seeking something new from the experts.

Their completely unreasonable behaviour making me feel helpless-Family Frustration.

Do you ever feel completely annoyed and helpless because of your own family?? What if anything if ever you ask them to do is take care of themselves properly?? If one of them is unwell, that one does not allow you, (I mean it, DOES NOT ALLOW YOU) to take care of them, although you know they are unwell because they appear to be so and they themselves tell you that.

They do not change their ways. They will do Completely unnecessary physical work like going to the park at the noon time when it’s quite dry n hot weather, although they may have been going through dehydration. They do not eat properly, nor take nutrition supplements, and say that it’s hard for them to eat as their stomach(digestive system) is not allowing them to eat anything, AND still do not seek medical help from any good doctor. They do not drink water properly. They do not take proper rest staying at home, NOPE, staying at home is a big issue for them, no matter how caring you become or how lovingly you tell them to take proper rest and nutrition.

It is stubborn AF behaviour. They do not consider your life at all. They do not even think once how much stress it gives you, probably to the point of severe depression after which you just become occupied mentally with their well-being only, and cannot do what you need to do about your own life, although they do the dramebaazi all the time that they love you. I don’t think that they love you at all, all they seek is they be considered an unsung hero who lost their life for you, loving you only immensely and never cared about their own health, despite the fact that it’s you who has always been concerned about their health and take care of yourself properly so that they do not have to go through any such mental pressure or depression.

Upon confrontation what they say is “do not care about me”. You think that it is possible that whom you love, you would not care about them or their health?? Can you think how much heaviness you feel mentally because of such ignorant and immature behaviour?? I cannot describe enough how much helpless you can feel in such a situation when they create a whole bunch of problems and mental anxiety and depression in you which would not have happened just in case they would take care of themselves like a Normal Person does because really, they do not even have any physical incurable ailment. It’s all because of their fucking reckless behaviour that they spoil their life and yours as well.

What if they have been specially warned to take care of themselves by an astrologer because their time is not right whole of the year and you are concerned and extra cautious for that as well??

Despite that, they will still give no fuck or change their habits or behaviour even a bit.

Why?? Most probably because they have nothing good to do in life rather than creating a mess out of completely controllable circumstances. Is it too much to ask someone to take care of their health properly or let you take care of it?? I don’t care if you agree to me or not, but it is a form of Mental Cruelty.

Lacking..

I lose interest out of nowhere

And it’s not that I don’t care,

I just have too many resposibilities to take

I have got very little time and soul to spare,

Love filled affection I lack today

That is something I really can’t fake.