A girl loving and liking
only the dunken dough-nut, waffles and malt,
Knowing the nature of world odd and snide,
Found comfort in things that never came to halt,
Having a kind, gentle and childlike heart,
She remembered each action of others,
Having deep emotions and sentivity being her nature’s part,
In the era of liking for materialistic possessions,
She was fond of, an admirer of, art
Alpines, trees, snow-flakes, waters, jungles, birds,
animals not put in a cage or cart,
She loved the poetry of nature
Yet aiming, for her goals keenly, with a surreal dart.
She had the innocence to dream like cyndrella,
Waiting for her prince charming,
but she got many a fake of princes
that made her senses more alarming.
Unlike the story of romeo n juliet,
She loved yet did not get the same in return,
which made her emotions, deep in her psyche churn,
She already had the wounds of the past
but they made them even more burn.
There came the king,
There came the silent lover,
There came someone with an obsession,
There came someone with power,
Though they lied n tried,
showed her their gullible pride,
But always her inner voice became her guide.
‘You can’t mess with a girl like that’
was her love song for whole of her life,
All she wanted was to be, for once,
one’s best friend and lover,
not to take up her burdens,
but to stay present with her in her strife.
(16th Nov, 2019)
Why she has to stand tall,
She has learnt it the hard way.
She knows no tireness,
She knows no emotions,
She knows no relations,
She knows no remorse,
is all they think or say.
They see the obvious no doubt,
She chooses to show this side,
How indignant she felt at their thoughts,
She mostly chose to hide.
The times she showed remorse,
It was swayed with jestly innuendo;
The times she showed any emotion,
It was numbed with somebody else’s illusive emo-crescendo;
The times she showed tireness,
She was deemed to not rest but grind;
The times she valued relations,
She only got disappointments and no one of her kind.
(22nd nov, 2019)
Now she wears her confidence with style,
The part of her making a statement
that was hiding behind their opinions for years
with an unnatural smile- Preet
This is the digital painting that I had created more than a week ago. I am intending to sell my digital artwork, the details of which I will complete when my money transaction formalities will be complete (I guess it will take some more time). Till then I want to know from you what amount will be suitable to ask for this piece of art. I just want to get an idea from the viewers and reader, of what worth this kind of artwork is in terms of money (any currency). If you don’t want to guess or write about that, that’s perfectly fine. But your feedback is valuable as always 🙂
(Note: This digital artwork and words are copyrighted work of the author. Please do not copy or download the same without explicit consent and don’t forget to mention my website in case you decide to share the post. Thank you. ❤)
(First published on 4th july, 2021)
Things my ex might have never told you:
1. I parallel park the car well.
2. He was not sapiosexual. He actually once said that he did not want this much intelligent girl like me for marriage.
3. I am quite spontaneous when it comes to dates. Wherever you want to go, I am ready to go there even in the middle of a cozy date.
4. I stay anxious for the first 5-10 minutes no matter how many times I have met you or how much comfortable I am with you.
5. I never told him ‘I love you’ in real, or say, face to face. [I have actually never said these words to any single person in real. Just couldn’t.]
6. Non-consensual foreplay doesn’t mean sex. Yup, I never did it. Doing only this much n this way was his definition of sex, not mine, it’s not even considered so generally. And yes, I didn’t even want to do that n he knew it. It was a mistake n there were deeper emotional reasons behind it related to someone else. I was not in love with my ex. I had moved on long before that.
7. I pay equally on dates.
8. I love to give gifts on special occasions.
9. I am too good at pampering my partner. (Sadly, which never got reciprocated).
10. I am a really (and I mean REALLY) good kisser.
11. His friends liked me. My friends never liked him.
12. He used to get more nervous than me while meeting me.
13. He could barely look into my eyes, seriously, never more than 2 seconds. I could see deception in his eyes easily sometimes. AND it was hella irritating to me when he couldn’t talk by maintaining eye contact for even a few seconds. It always hampered communication between us as I cannot talk without looking into someone’s eyes.
14. He was never loving or affectionate towards me. It was only one sided.
15. I tried to make him feel accountable for his wrongs n fought more than I did with anyone else.
16. He wanted to have sex with me, so that I could not be with someone, I fell in love with, after him. He knew about it. I had told him clearly about it. He just wanted to stay as the only one in my life even after treating me like the most worthless person of his life.
17. There was no love for him from my side after I told him that I had moved on (about 4 years ago).
18. We started off being good friends. And he ditched me even as a friend in the first 3 months of friendship only.
19. I am intimidating as fuck in real when I confront someone.
20. He had a lot of inferiority complexes soothing which I downplayed myself a lot and ended up boosting his ego a lot. He always underestimated my capabilities, I over-estimated many of his.
21. He was lowkey proud that I loved him and still made me feel worthless. PSYCHOPATH.
The point of sharing this is that if somebody’s ex tells you shit, you should confirm all that from that person unhesitantly. Why do you think that somebody becomes an Ex if they know someone really well n never lied??
Logic, Karma, Spirituality, Wisdom or consider anything else,
It says, you cannot compare my dynamic with my love to my dynamic to you because
First of all, no such feelings involved from my side nor I did misguide you in that sense ever,
Secondly, you have to put yourself in my place, not in his place for such a comparison, and none of your petty selves could ever have that much dedication for me as much as I have for him,
Thirdly, what he gave me in what times only I know n thus still respect him,
Fourthly, just stalking me n going into your fantasy land about me could take you a lifetime to actually initiate even a friendship n so it did,
And last but not the least, nobody gives a fuck to you here, actually you have even lost the respect from my side, so just get lost n impose yourself somewhere else with your stalking, gossipping, and cowardly and sick mindset. Your so-called reputed job doesn’t mean anything when you show this kind of sneaky character.
(PS- This is not for anyone whom I ever dated or have been in good friendship terms or have talked to consistently or ever cared about. This is for a completely different group that is a good show-off of achievements n yet could not maintain integrity in real.)
I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.
Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.
When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.
I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??
That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)
So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).
Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.
Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.
I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.
Didn’t want to boast but it’s true that the person with the strongest and the best character I have ever known is Me.
Many people have tried to imitate but failed miserably.
Dirty minds everywhere,
And they don’t deserve any attention or care,
The filth that they can’t hide,
When they use it to throw at you,
I hope you pity at them
And unaffected move from a different side.
I hope you understand me by listening to your inner voice
Like I did for you
Without paying any heed to any outer noise.
I Think For All 