#14 My Bestie

Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

5% past, 15%future,20%present,60% Sleeping having more nightmares than sweet dreams. 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think more about future than the past because you can make up your mind for the future but you can only open wounds ftom the past if you think too much about it. So, I think about the past when I have to remember a mistake of my own, so that I try my best not to repeat it and to remind myself of the lessons learnt from the past, whenever needed. About future, I day-dream about my future partner, future of my family, and what actions I need to take for my desired outcomes. Present the most because that’s where you actually take actions. Sleep most of all because my body and mind needs it. I just can’t get up.

Something constant.

I don’t need reasons to be happy, I need reasons to be sad or depressed and I never go on looking for those reasons. That’s why I avoid most people. I am a happy, productive and entertaining person basically but outside energy always (and I really mean ALWAYS) becomes a block or a shadow over my positive n optimistic personality, and then I cannot get rid of it for weeks or months. I have traumas that I still haven’t talked about to a single person on earth (literally nobody even if a few of you know many of my secrets, still there are some things I never tell anyone; neither family, nor bestest of friends in the past nor even a therapist) but I know really well how to give it my all to my future rather than sulking in the past. Attachments happen but I can easily get rid of it, basically being a detached person. Failures happen but I usually have 2-3 more plans after that. My life flows generally as I expect it to. But outside energy always happens to be a block or a shadow over my positives. If I keep any person away, he/she has directly or indirectly added blocks in my life. Why would anyone think that I’d like to invite the same kind of energy in my life again??? I really am not interested in Jumping in the mud or letting people throw it at me and then waste my time n energy in cleaning myself of it whereas the best option always is to look at it, ignore and avoid it and move forward. I don’t know how other people’s mind work, but if they don’t get this basic thing, then it’s completely their problem. I want to keep somebody close who can be equally positive, clear-minded and productive, provided I have not seen the otherwise in them in the past, although everybody can change into the former kind but probability is uncertain to me, and I avoid uncertainty now. I don’t want somebody to give me anything or to add anything to my life, be it happiness or love or anything materialistic. I just want AN EQUAL who knows how to take care of himself, can be happy on his own, manage well his possessions, be productive most of the time, love by heart n soul, has got rid of his past traumas or wounds and related defence mechanisms (although more or less those defences always stay there but it can be dealt with sensibly) and is very clear about what he wants from me, from himself, his career n life in general, so that we can thrive together rather than any of us being a burden on the other. PURE PARTNERSHIP, NEITHER OWNERSHIP NOR PARENT-CHILD DYNAMIC.

(Written and first published on 9th October, 2020)

Prospects of new world war

About a century later,

about the same nations,

around the same area,

Are about to end the history

Of mankind

By repeating history..

(I can feel the similar aspects

But it’s not gonna happen.)

Oh no..🤪

I hope I don’t tell anyone by mistake “wife me, bro.”

Lock me up with the door open-Lockdown 5.0 in India.

Strategies of lockdown 1 and 5 could be better but nope! We are disorganised as always.

Why don’t they just make it very simple that testing is compulsory and those who have got tested for covid-19 can move around freely?

Should have begun testing with the most crucial industrial and agricultural sector parts (testing done by government recommended) alongwith that of private companies involved in supply of goods and transportation, right during the initiation of lockdown one. Then the employees in administrative branches could be tested so that offices could be opened up by lockdown 2 or 3. And finally the educational institutes could be opened up after compulsory testing of all the teaching staff and students right from day one of the new session, maybe alongwith testing of their parents.

Malls, cinema halls could still wait to be opened up. What was more required was a workable goods delivery system rather than letting people roam around such sites freely.

And what was the need to open up worship places?? Does that money go to government in any way or praying together in the very close proximity is going to stop the spread of virus?? This may happen to be the biggest downfall in their strategy.

But okay.. Good organisation or management is not this government’s forte, trend shown time and again.

(Originally posted on 31st may,2020)

THINK ABOUT IT.

Expecting better.

Be a breathe of fresh air

Not the old rug stinking,

Be an open world full of love

Not a little globe forcing me for shrinking.

One love stays with you forever.

Some people really think that why I don’t move on or try with someone new.. There is a very very deep reason. I actually moved on. I thought that I’ll never think about him ever again. In those times I was just numb to feelings. I became really logical as well as triggered. I was not feeling like myself for months. It’s not that I never tried. But someone doesn’t get out of your mind n soul. It’s not even ego that is making me hold onto him. It’s something, just there, right from the times when I even didn’t know that I had any feeling for him in the first place. It is not going anywhere. What do I do?? A few people try to influence me against it through posts on pages. And seriously, it annoys me to the core.

I had tried to move from the last person (before him) by dating one person who was really good, caring, marriage material. I even got physical with my ex to move on from him. That time also I couldn’t because I was feeling passionately for that one.

But then, whom I love came to my life out of the blue. Honestly, I was keeping a good distance from him. I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. And even he wasn’t interested in making me feel anything like that. But with friendship and affection, I started feeling very close to him. I was constantly denying myself that it was getting deeper because I, somehow knew that I would hurt myself at some point if I would feel anything else that friendship and affection for him. But I was feeling something else.

And when we got physical, even then for a few days I was in denial mode. Seriously, I couldn’t handle how intensely we made those moments. They might not be too much for many others, including him. But it was a lot for me. But still I was denying myself about its depth for a few weeks. I didn’t get what.

But now when I have tried every single fucking thing to move on. I don’t get it what is the problem with people who are just into talking against it. Why can’t you see someone loving someone else truly. Yes, for now, it is in words only. But my words come out from the depths of my soul. It’s too difficult for me to accept my own feelings being highly rational generally, leave alone being expressive about them. If I am being expressive about my feelings, it is something even I still cannot describe in words. It is much more than that.

Now, what do I do?? Try with new people, faking it all, wasting mine and their time?? I think it would be too selfish to do. So, I usually avoid anyone who may have interest in me, because I know that I won’t be interested in them in that sense.

What do I do with what I am feeling in my heart and soul?? I am taking my time. I am not forcing anything. I just want him to feel what I feel, that too, not forcefully, but by being a little expressive. I think that when I am not doing anything out of ego or to get him. I am doing this because things got fucked up last time because I stifled my feelings that time. I waited a lot, even gave up, but it has come up again in me. It really means that it had never gone. I had just become numb to my own feelings, also because I had lost my bua, I was traumatised and could only get triggered and could stay hurt. I was not in touch with my soul, my ego was saving me. Now, I am in balance, and I really want to see it will go where and I am hoping for a beautiful outcome. I am taking my time and putting my energy only where I want to and need to. I really don’t need unsolicited advices, specially those that go against my inner voice.

I don’t know healthy relationship. I have never been in one. That is why I am working on myself, so that I can have a wholesome relationship with someone I truly love. I don’t want anything toxic in between us. I am working on my triggers. A few friends may as well have observed that I have changed my behaviour a lot compared to what it was before. I am not faking it. I am working on it.

Is there anything called TIME in real??

According to me, time is just calculated intervals of distance travelled by earth. I am talking about the clock-related concept of time here.

Even if we can time travel in the past with any time machine, the scenario we actually faced in the past won’t be the same because when the earth was present at that place, the cosmic energies were different and the matter shifted already at that ‘time’ into another form and it cannot be undone.

I think our mind is cosmically connected to the whole universe, that’s why we can remember past because our mental energy can reach that exact place where earth was at that ‘time’. No wonder we can imagine the unimaginable and most of it happens to be true. We think of the multiverse which may also be possible. You never know what else our mind is capable of reaching, but I am sure that it is connected to the universe deeply as more than 90% of the mind is unconscious. What do you think is contained in it?? Our past lives?? You mean the so-called thousands of years we travelled with earth or some other planet in the universe?

Also, some of us may envision future, probably because we can catch up on the present patterns of many things uncosciously and can travel to that future ‘place’ unknowingly. Although, all of this can be done only by the old souls because they have travelled a lot in the universe and now their unconscious mind has gotten trained to a good extent to recognize those patterns. I am not talking about human behaviour patterns here, as that is a whole different topic, but the patterns about interpreting the future without having any factual knowledge about certain events; Not even talking about manifestation here.

Ok.. coming back to the substance, I am talking about it without any scientific knowledge, but I really think that time is nothing, talking it from a different perspective than the scientific one. There is only distance in space, time is overall-a man-made concept.

Dream home ❤

Not cruxed with ebony n ivory,

I want a surreal eccentric art,

Where decor with plants will suffice,

A home of people with big heart.

Miraculous tragedies is all she knows.

She stopped believing in miracles long ago,

Even if you will feel like one

She will pass by

Abruptly taking you as an illusion

In an attempt to escape

the possibility of her fears

mirrored by you.