LIFE.

People usually think why I am mostly poker faced or smiling and not really smiling in my pics.

REASONS–

Hard, heart-breaking and hurtful events: Death of 8 family members from which 7 of them died one after another with a gap of one or two years continuously. Heartbreaks in between. So, obviously depression was my normal mental state full of feelings of helplessness, fear of loss of the next one and the related anxiety, in which I had bouts of non-depressive episodes(Yep! Opposite of usual).

Heartbreak: The one that happened long ago (2015) was mentally abusive to me, during and after which I felt like I did not even have enough self-respect. I didn’t come in any relationship after that. After that I fell in love with my so-called best friend, who also deceived me in many ways, and then got married last year about which I got to know in march this year (no,he didn’t inform me. He was still hiding it) So, welcome to depression again !!

Broken friendships: Almost all of my friendships got broken from 2018-2020. Mind games, groupism, gossips, joining hands with enemies. The behaviour which I used to observe, forgive and forget before this time period, became intolerable to me. After all, for how many years(even decades) people were going to take me as a fool just because I was too tolerant, good-hearted, forgiving and friendly?? Definitely, those were not friends. Someone had to end it all, so I did.

My studies and work: Believe it or not, when you are involved in legal, political and psychological fields, you see and read cases that kinda mentally suck you in (Nasty mentally disturbing stuff). It all, in a way, gets embedded on your soul and psyche and you can never really undo that all information. Not that I don’t love what I do. I love my work and research but it’s also true that only the toughest ones can see and go through all that and still have a stability of mind to think through it all rationally.

Although I try my best to stay normal and succeed too; yet somehow it (all the bad stuff) still shows on my face, and most of the times, one can see it in my eyes.

That’s why, most of my old pictures show some kind of depression or sadness on my face and in my eyes.

Not that I am not hurt now or never get hurt or depressed, but every single hurt or disappointment reminds me of my past.

(PS- I was not writing about any of those people and/or events lately, anywhere on social media. Some people have really changed for the better and I also have moved on from that past.)

Lonely

I like it when you are lonely. That is my favourite place for you. When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you. You may as well have taken a knife to your chest, slit it open […]

Lonely

The exact thinking of a narcissist. I have not seen a single victim whose friends or family have not been reached by a narc or whom narc did not surround with his own friend circle. You can actually visualise a normal innocent person standing inside of a circle of a narc’s friends, unable to escape ever. The boundary of the enclosure is adjusted according to the behaviour of the victim. If the victim acts according to the narc, giving him all the narcissistic supply, then the area of the circle is widened, so that the victim can feel like having freedom. But be wary, it is just a false sense of freedom, the victim just doesn’t know where the boundary is set by the narc but slowly and steadily (which may take years) the victim starts feeling that something is wrong, like somebody is pushing triggering buttons and pulling emotional strings when the victim does anything with a free will. Some victims never get to know who that person is. Those who get to know are then discarded by the narc in ways incomprehensible and shocking ways (a different topic) to the victim like a rug got pulled out below the feet. If the victim is impressive to everyone but meek, coy and obedient to the narcissist, this is the perfect dynamic to the narc. If somebody does not show off or others do not know about their achievements, then discarding happens instantly. If somebody is impressive to others and the narc as well, then Love Bombing (a different topic) begins in the initial stages to attract the victim; in the later stages, to pull the victim back into that enclosure of narc and his flying monkeys. Beware, some so-called flying monkeys do not even know that they are being so. Some may be genuine people intricately manipulated by the narc and his similar narcissist allies (different topic). The victims do not get to know from where they are being attacked mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically as well, that’s gaslighting (different topic). Gaslighting the victim inside that enclosure is the perfect dynamic in which either narc can control the victim completely by giving a little bit of attention or affection by himself or by his flying monkeys here and there; or during devaluation the victim is called “crazy” or “psychopath” or “anti-social” or will be called names whatever can work to hit the psyche of the victim to make the victim feel lonely, that too, IN WAYS IN WHICH ANY THIRD PERSON CANNOT KNOW THAT IT’S THE NARC WHO IS SAYING ALL THAT (Hiding his identity during all the criminalistic and psychopathic activities is a narcissist’s biggest trait), and then all those flying monkeys are pulled back in order to make the victim that there is something wrong in their behaviour and to make the victim feel lonely. Even if the victim asks a few of the allies of narc on suspicion of something wrong happening, they try to shun off the victim’s voice and ask “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU??” No wonder the victim will be called crazy for hundreds of times, but Never Publically because that will actually spoil the Fake Image maintained by the narcissist and those who have been helping him under the guise of his fake image will stop helping him for controlling the victim. The whole idea is to control the victim anyhow so that due to loneliness, the victim runs to the narcissist most of the times for support (or to his flying monkeys).

ADVICE:

●Take the cues of being manipulated. Observe when some of your near and dear ones begin to act out of their character that you used to know before.

●Observe keenly before and after what action of whom you get to have reactions from whom and with what tone.

●Observe who jokes in what tone at what time and who questions you about which things (what is unacceptable to you is the key here).

●VERY IMPORTANT: Talk to a trusted family member, as well as a friend, and if possible (which is the best option) talk to a psychotherapist ept in behavioural therapies and who knows about narcissism as well.

●Talk about it openly. Break the chain/circle created by the narcissist around you. Do not trust anyone unless and until somebody tells you the truth that you want to know. Test them by asking about things that you already know and you know that they also know, then you’ll know who is lying and is a part of that circle.

●Do not care about your image. They are still a very few people who maintain a fake image, and you are real. The world is quite big, you will find your tribe some day.

●Once you know who is the culprit and who are the allies, do not change your mind of removing those people from your life. The narcissist never changes as it is an incurable mental disease. Some fluctuations may occur with time and circumstances but that’s about it; the allies are either narcissists themselves, not that much to you though and even in case they are not narcs, they are not your well-wishers, they are narc’s friends, and those who became his allies under the guise of his innocense cannot be trusted as they can be easily manipulated by anyone and as a result can help anyone in manipulating you as well.

●Stay strong. It’s okay to be alone than being in a bad company. Weak people are often found in groups. Even if your precious time got ruined in the narcissistic cycle, it’s still better than ruining your whole life by going back to the same people undeserving of anything from your side.

(First published on 27th sept, 2020)

Something that creeps me up.

Alert- Paranormal real experience is being shared in the post. Do not read it at all if you cannot handle it or if reading such things fuck up your vibe.

I just know one thing what you are when you are alive, you stay that way even after you die. There is no theory about it, it’s puerply experience. There is nothing like hell or heaven, it is what inside of uou that you live that way n stay that way after you die.

There have been about 4-5 experiences with me, the fifth one which just happened after which I felt like sharing this incident here.

There is one soul, I don’t know if it’s of one of my own deceased family members or an unknown one or it’s some vodoo done by a bitch who could never get me (I am not calling a bitch here any male/female here whom I am or was connected to online, it’s someone from older generation).

So, coming back to the experience. This paranormal one attacks me in my sleep from behind and the only area attacked has always been my head n neck. The first four such incidences that happened in nov-dec, 2019, and what happened was _____ I was in my deep and content sleep. My bua (paternal aunt) was sleeping with me. Suddenly I started dreaming in which I was sleeping in the same way n same position in which I was sleeping in real n my bua also was sleeping in the same position in which she was sleeping that night. Then two hands took hold of my head from my neck n started pulling me from behind. Obviously I could not see anything in my dream, about who or what it was. But the pull was so strong. I was trying to scream in my dream looking at my bua but no voice came from my lips. I was thumping my hands, so that she could wake up from sleep n save me but she was in deep sleep. Those hands were being more forceful with their pull like really trying to get my soul out of my body. Then when nothing worked n I could not even wake up to get rid of it. I started chanting Hanuman Chalisa in my sleep only (yeah, I remember a few starting lines by heart as I used to do hanuman chalisa twice a day daily in my college days which I stopped doing after my father’s death). After chanting it for a few minutes, I became able to open my eyes (I mean I woke up), otherwise I felt so helpless in that sleeping state I can’t even describe. Just imagine a force pulling you out of yourself, you can’t see, you can’t use your voice, your soul is seeking help but nobody can help you, even your hands become useless as you can’t touch it. On another such completely similar incident I chanted waheguru waheguru. I mean I chant anything like that in my sleep and then become capable of at least waking up to get rid of that spirit.

Tonight (4:52 am is the time I got up from it), I experienced exactly similar thing. I was sleeping alone. I saw a dream in which I was lying in the same position in which I slept in real although the situation was different. It was not as dark as in those previous dreams. In this dream, A known person came to our house happy n cheerful with good vibes, I just smiled. I was a bit reluctant to get up as I had no energy left in me (in dream). I was still lying. That person went to the other room to meet my bua. I was all alone in the room, then again two hands grabbed my neck and head from behind and started pressing it. This time it didn’t feel like someone was trying to pull me out but it was more like an angry spirit. I was screaming “bchaoo..bchaaoo” (save me.. save me..) but others were in another room, I was all alone n nobody to help. Then I realised (in my dream itself) what was actually happening, I even realised in my dream itself that it was a dream but I was incapable of waking up. Then, this time I started chanting “Allah hu akbar, allaaah hu akbar” with force in myself imagining mecca’s image n tried to push my own spirit’s force backwards so that I could break myself free of that spiritm And it worked. I felt that thing breaking into pieces n then again I woke up. I was breathing so sharply, heavily n fast as much as one may breathe after running 50-100 kms without water.

It’s always a mix of lucid dreaming and paranormal reality. I can’t even tell how much helpless I feel in those moments when I am thumping my hands n trying to raise even a bit of voice so that somebody can hear me n save me, but am always unable to do so.. just remembering god in any form and using that good n powerful force against that evil one always works for me.. In 2019, I got so afraid after that that I intentionally stopped sleeping at night for a few days, no matter how sleepy I felt. The reason was that in the day time, my bua was not sleeping n she could help me in waking up, at least, just in case she would have heard me making any noise.

But one thing I would really like to know is who that evil soul is. Sometimes, I feel I know who it could be, but other times I feel that I see that person in my other dreams in a good state. This soul/spirit or whatever it is, is something that I have not seen in my dreams and have not even felt its presence as a human being in my entire life, so couldn’t be a familiar departed soul. Maybe purely a ghost or alien which has no face, I don’t know. I actually saw something like that while I was awake for a very minute fraction of a second (during those days when I experienced this thing in 2019). I was coming out of washroom that I saw a rusty coloured broken wounded burnt face n neck (without a body) but only head n neck in which there were no facial features (eyes, nose, mouth.. nothing), for a very minute fraction of a second. It gave me chills throughout my body. Creepy would be an understatement to describe that thing.

(NOTE: If you have read the whole post, kindly do not share any paranormal stuff in the comments; I am unwilling to read/see it. Thank you.)

Soul Calling..

Between saying some things too much,

And not saying some things enough,

Now when

Things are settling with a divine timing

I feel

Coming back of my love

wouldn’t be that tough..

Admiring This Black Beauty…..🖤

Honestly, I never realised that I had a phone cover, already provided by the company, in the phone packaging box. I might have seen it long ago when I unpacked it, but forgot about it for a long time. Hmmm.. That’s weird.. I just opened the pack today to get this little key-like pin that is called Eject Pin in order to add one SD Card to my mobile phone. I love this little cutie and the way they placed it in that holder. It looks so elegant !!

Moreover, I am loving to see the whole pack themed in deep black. My mobile is of golden colour, although before that, I usually had almost all of my productive devices in black colour only. But this time I opted for golden, I loved its look and now, I am loving its box a lot. It looks quite classy.

All black 🖤

I am sharing this because I am really admiring this classy look. Sometimes, you are not so stunned by anything filthy costly but pretty much by something so casual and simple little things like this black beauty. 🖤

Believe it or not, I am obsessed with the colours be it in nature, clothes or devices, and I genuinely look into the productivity level of any device. ❤

Nightmare of Helplessness-Interpretation required.

This is a paragraph that I have found as a dream interpretation. I don’t know why I see some horrible dreams full of helplessness. I need some more clues or clear interpretation as to what actually they mean.

So, today I saw one such dream, or I say, a nightmare. Dream was quite long but I am writing about only that part that is bothering me the most.. My father and I were in a marketplace and he had an argument with a wholesale merchant about the price of some products, which he denied to buy, started going down a lane in the open in frustration. I was following him. I was a kid. I heard the merchant calling some men for attacking us. My father was walking with a good speed, I was lagging behind. I was trying to speed up as he was not listening to me when I was trying to tell him what I heard. Suddenly, a group of four-five goons came, held him and did beat him so mercilessly. They broke his that arm completely whose elbow was broken in real. He was drenched in blood. He initially tried to fight but all in vain. It all happened within seconds. They kept on beating him, and finally he died. I was at a distance, some people held me and I screamed like never before out of innate helplessness. Then I woke up.

Once in a while, I see such nightmares of immense helplessness in which always a group is attacking, mostly I see myself being attacked by mob, stabbed with knives, or killed in some ruthless ways. Fights, Bloodshed and death by a group or mob is the main theme of most of my nightmares. This time it was related to my father, which increased my intensity manifolds, that too about which I could not do anything. This was the feeling of helplessness like never before.

Is there anyone who can interpret dreams/nightmates and their symbols paychologically or throw some light?

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

Connected to the spirit world.

Can you feel the vibes of souls??

Can you tell the difference between evil and angelic departed ones??

I can feel the difference.

I just cannot reach out to them (the good ones).

The bad ones are eerie AF and try to make you afraid with knocking and tapping the things around or it’s just sound created (I don’t know) whereas the good ones can make you smell the scent n music (such a good scent that you have never smelt, you will definitely know) while nothing as such(any frangrant or musical thing) is physically present, also they are calm and make you sleep as well and will never try to feel afraid, they have such a soothing effect on you.

If I talk about their visibility, they cannot be seen easily (of course), but just in case once in a lifetime you get to see both the types, which will happen only for a minute(tiny) fraction of a second, it’s more like the evil ones are rusty n bloody red in colour, have no facial features, you get creeped up instantly, they are so ugly, whereas you may see only a white hue cloud like entity when it’s a good soul. (Talking from experience)

If any of these kinds creep you up, then don’t think about them much as we attract what we think. It’s a real thing. I do not have hallucinations, it’s more like once or twice in a lifetime experience.