FREE AS FUCK !!

I can only tell how much free I feel now

Free to speak up my mind

Free to act my heart out

Free to love anyone I want to

Free to choose what to make my life about,

Shackled I felt

For a really long time

To soothe someone’s ego

To soothe one’s mind,

Out of respect I did it so wrong

That I cared about one’s selfishness

made my freedom in those shackles grind.

To strangers.

On a bad note, due to my experiences I already consider you stupid; you have to prove me that you are not.

Nightmare of Helplessness-Interpretation required.

This is a paragraph that I have found as a dream interpretation. I don’t know why I see some horrible dreams full of helplessness. I need some more clues or clear interpretation as to what actually they mean.

So, today I saw one such dream, or I say, a nightmare. Dream was quite long but I am writing about only that part that is bothering me the most.. My father and I were in a marketplace and he had an argument with a wholesale merchant about the price of some products, which he denied to buy, started going down a lane in the open in frustration. I was following him. I was a kid. I heard the merchant calling some men for attacking us. My father was walking with a good speed, I was lagging behind. I was trying to speed up as he was not listening to me when I was trying to tell him what I heard. Suddenly, a group of four-five goons came, held him and did beat him so mercilessly. They broke his that arm completely whose elbow was broken in real. He was drenched in blood. He initially tried to fight but all in vain. It all happened within seconds. They kept on beating him, and finally he died. I was at a distance, some people held me and I screamed like never before out of innate helplessness. Then I woke up.

Once in a while, I see such nightmares of immense helplessness in which always a group is attacking, mostly I see myself being attacked by mob, stabbed with knives, or killed in some ruthless ways. Fights, Bloodshed and death by a group or mob is the main theme of most of my nightmares. This time it was related to my father, which increased my intensity manifolds, that too about which I could not do anything. This was the feeling of helplessness like never before.

Is there anyone who can interpret dreams/nightmates and their symbols paychologically or throw some light?

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

Connected to the spirit world.

Can you feel the vibes of souls??

Can you tell the difference between evil and angelic departed ones??

I can feel the difference.

I just cannot reach out to them (the good ones).

The bad ones are eerie AF and try to make you afraid with knocking and tapping the things around or it’s just sound created (I don’t know) whereas the good ones can make you smell the scent n music (such a good scent that you have never smelt, you will definitely know) while nothing as such(any frangrant or musical thing) is physically present, also they are calm and make you sleep as well and will never try to feel afraid, they have such a soothing effect on you.

If I talk about their visibility, they cannot be seen easily (of course), but just in case once in a lifetime you get to see both the types, which will happen only for a minute(tiny) fraction of a second, it’s more like the evil ones are rusty n bloody red in colour, have no facial features, you get creeped up instantly, they are so ugly, whereas you may see only a white hue cloud like entity when it’s a good soul. (Talking from experience)

If any of these kinds creep you up, then don’t think about them much as we attract what we think. It’s a real thing. I do not have hallucinations, it’s more like once or twice in a lifetime experience.