Be a guiding force
Even if it makes a little difference
While you burn for someone whole
Even if no one is a witness. -Preet
(Published on 14th May, 2021)
Be a guiding force
Even if it makes a little difference
While you burn for someone whole
Even if no one is a witness. -Preet
(Published on 14th May, 2021)
Do you ever feel completely annoyed and helpless because of your own family?? What if anything if ever you ask them to do is take care of themselves properly?? If one of them is unwell, that one does not allow you, (I mean it, DOES NOT ALLOW YOU) to take care of them, although you know they are unwell because they appear to be so and they themselves tell you that.
They do not change their ways. They will do Completely unnecessary physical work like going to the park at the noon time when it’s quite dry n hot weather, although they may have been going through dehydration. They do not eat properly, nor take nutrition supplements, and say that it’s hard for them to eat as their stomach(digestive system) is not allowing them to eat anything, AND still do not seek medical help from any good doctor. They do not drink water properly. They do not take proper rest staying at home, NOPE, staying at home is a big issue for them, no matter how caring you become or how lovingly you tell them to take proper rest and nutrition.
It is stubborn AF behaviour. They do not consider your life at all. They do not even think once how much stress it gives you, probably to the point of severe depression after which you just become occupied mentally with their well-being only, and cannot do what you need to do about your own life, although they do the dramebaazi all the time that they love you. I don’t think that they love you at all, all they seek is they be considered an unsung hero who lost their life for you, loving you only immensely and never cared about their own health, despite the fact that it’s you who has always been concerned about their health and take care of yourself properly so that they do not have to go through any such mental pressure or depression.
Upon confrontation what they say is “do not care about me”. You think that it is possible that whom you love, you would not care about them or their health?? Can you think how much heaviness you feel mentally because of such ignorant and immature behaviour?? I cannot describe enough how much helpless you can feel in such a situation when they create a whole bunch of problems and mental anxiety and depression in you which would not have happened just in case they would take care of themselves like a Normal Person does because really, they do not even have any physical incurable ailment. It’s all because of their fucking reckless behaviour that they spoil their life and yours as well.
What if they have been specially warned to take care of themselves by an astrologer because their time is not right whole of the year and you are concerned and extra cautious for that as well??
Despite that, they will still give no fuck or change their habits or behaviour even a bit.
Why?? Most probably because they have nothing good to do in life rather than creating a mess out of completely controllable circumstances. Is it too much to ask someone to take care of their health properly or let you take care of it?? I don’t care if you agree to me or not, but it is a form of Mental Cruelty.
I really don’t understand their love for me,
when all they do is
to keep my body confined inside the fours of wall,
and cannot take care of their health properly
When all I want them to do is
To take care of themselves, that’s all.
3 years ago, I had my very important Delhi Judicial Exam (Preliminary). I was deceived by a friend. I had lost someone whom I loved. I was in despair, trying very hard to focus on studies, in delhi.
Suddenly, my so-called former Best Friend Turned Love, (someone who himself started calling me Bestie first), Drunk AF, texted me “I need you. I need your hug so badly. You went there without meeting me. I am feeling like crying.” reading which I got really concerned and tried to console him for whatever he was feeling and tried to figure out the reason so that I could help him. But he said “your exam is too important for you, I am nothing” which really angered me at that moment as he did not say a single thing like that against my exam or described to me anything that he was feeling low for any reasons. I had gotten it by then that he was drunk and sad, to which he admitted later on. But despite going through a lot of shit myself, I still lend him a helping hand and tried to console him.
Later on and NOW whenever I feel sad or depressed, listening to me or trying to understand me is a far off thing, he runs away, and through one or the other social media page he tries to convey me this message 👇
I really don’t understand, first of all, when did I share any of my sadness to him?? I do not depend on anyone for my happiness. AND honestly speaking, LOSERS LIKE HIM are not even capable of giving anyone any happiness. Giving me disappointments and depression, yes, that’s his Forte. I don’t get it in which of his La La Land he thinks that I ever depended on him for my happiness.
Moreover, if I have to do everything by myself, including staying alone when I am feeling depressed, and do every single thing by myself for my success and happiness,, why the fuck would I let him come into my life when I am at my best?? For him to reap my rewards that I had sown and watered?? For him to enjoy all the good times only and run away like a fucking weakass loser when times get tough?? For him to suck up all of my good energy, draining me completely and walk all over me and never giving me a thing??
Does he know that he is immature, not good enough and incapable of being with anyone, leave alone me, because I am still doing much better than him even during sadness and depression??
Is he good enough who thinks that he will be available only to enjoy the goody-good stuff and otherwise just behave like a coward whenever I would need him or anyone, that too, only for being there with me at my lows and not demanding anything from him in those times??
“You couldn’t give me even one-fourth of what I gave you, emotionally, mentally and energetically. With what shit mouth you say that I should be responsible for my happiness. I got it a long time ago that you are incapable of giving me anything. I don’t even expect anyone to give me happiness but I am sure that someone equal to me in every sense will reciprocate with me at every level, not a loser like you. Last but not the least, how do you think that I still talk about a deceptive loser like you when I talk about love, who couldn’t even be a loyal friend??”
My problem is that I may tell you that I love you and then would like to stay alone but when I would like to be with you I won’t even say a thing.
Some people cannot handle good emotions at first and I am one of them. It’s because they never or barely got to experience love. So, it feels over-whelming when they get to experience it.
Sometimes I feel what if I die tomorrow
What have I ever achieved??
Are all of my goals chased, dreams fulfilled??
And then I wish that I die tomorrow
Life is meaningless..
I inspire and motivate myself daily
Just to be pushed down again by the circumstances,
I know my strength
But I am fed up n afraid
Where dying feels better than living,
I wonder maybe I’ll get everything I want in another life
What’s the point in living anymore??
How can you be happy on somebody’s heartbreak??
You think that love is a rat race??
If one is heart-broken from somebody else
You think you have gained that one by default??
Like one has to belong to one or the other
Rather than being for oneself during that halt,
Nobody needs your sympathy or applause,
Please meet a psychiatrist if you cannot understand this simple stance,
Rather than like this falling from grace.
I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.
Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.
When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.
I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??
That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)
So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).
Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.
Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.
I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.
Someone committing suicide is very disheartening to know,
Depression is not a game
It is that disease that eats one alive,
You see cancer and covid deadly, being physical
But what about that deadly weapon you can never see
and that does not let one survive??
Sometimes, your biggest achievement is to talk while you have no mental energy to even speak a word,
do all of your works of the day while you have no physical energy either,
And to smile when all you feel is emptiness,
To have hope while all you want is to scream and cry out loud not knowing what to do about what’s bothering you.
(Originally posted on 12th june,2020, when I was in severe depression)