Okay, soooo actually I am in no mood to write about my Urticaria blues today. 😂 Nevertheless.. I still am going to write because I told that I would, yesterday.
Let me talk about the reasons first- Lies and deception by someone whom I loved deeply, was the basic reason and the traumatic cause was that I got to know on 28th feb, 2022 that he got married in june,2021. I had no way and no outlet to express how I was feeling. It was to intense to handle and I was feeling extremely hopeless and helpless. I had already expressed all of my feelings for him to him long ago (in 2019) and due to differences, lies, and misunderstandings as well I had blocked him in 2020. But he was the only one whom I loved yet, so it was quite catastrophic for me to know about it and that he tried his best to hide about it from me for months as he didn’t update about his marriage anywhere public from where I could know, although hiding from me specifically could not be his intentions (I am just doubtful about it).
I literally had no way to express how broken hearted I was and it proved to be a complete nervous breakdown for me.
It’s not funny how deceptive someone can be who once told “we are best friends”, “I have a crush on you”, bla bla bla which now feels like BS only (because all lies).
I had no idea whether to cry or be angry or what, so I gulped it all down as it was the reality that whom I trusted so much and for whom I fought with almost every person was such a liar and a deceptive bitch.
So, from the first week of march only my immunity started to deplete and I began to have constant fever. I had no motivation to exercise or eat healthy or go out. I was being depressed and I knew it but still feeling hopeless about getting out of it. It went on for more two weeks and my skin started to feel itchy. It was more on the thighs and sides of the stomach first.
Ugh.. The itching sensation in urticaria is very hard to control. You feel like scratching the hell out of your skin and during that time I had very little control over my impulses, so I ended up scratching my skin drastically. It went on till the end of march and the skin on my thighs and stomach were wounded and scarred, although itching started to subside in those areas. It was kinda relief as I was trying to heal mentally as well or at least get a grip over my impulses. I was actually feeling like committing suicide before that and I had even talked about it to my bua that I had suicidal tendencies and the reason thereof and that I needed a psychologist at that time, but could not find a good one.
Then came the notification of Delhi Judicial Exams (lower judiciary). It was a hope as well as a stress enhancer for me as I got to know about the notification just two days before the closing date of forms submission and I didn’t even have 1 full month to prepare for it.
Now, I had fever on a daily basis which I thought was because of some infection. The worst thing I did was that I didn’t go and see a doctor. I gulped down a Paracetamol on a daily basis and kept on preparing for my exam like a robot, literally like a robot, as I didn’t want to feel my trauma. I had gotten my purpose to keep going but I had suppressed anger, frustration, and pain. Now, add to it anxiety and stress of the exam. Nevertheless, I kept studying for about 14-18 hours a day but in the second week of april, I started to have itchiness over my collarbone area, face, neck, back of the neck, and inner forearm. I thought that it would go away in about a week but it started getting intense and worse day by day.
Heat urticaria does not only give an itching sensation; It gives alongwith it burning sensation over the whole area like the whole red patch is wounded and it’s quite hotter than the temperature on the unaffected surface of the same part. Moreover, a sensation of pins being shoved inside your skin is constant. One cannot even sleep with that sensation. Think someone is poking several pins at different places on your skin contantly after a few seconds and that sensation doesn’t go away no matter what you do and out of a sudden you are feeling like scratching your skin. I literally felt like cutting off my left forearm or collarbone area’s skin.
I didn’t know what problem I had. I didn’t know the exact name. I was literally burning in hell from the inside and it wasn’t even showing from the outside to any outsider, until my eyes started to sink and my face also started to have rough patches of urticaria over my forehead, eyelids, under the brows, cheeks, and philtrum, although they were not deep, red, or having any warts. Face was itchy and dry.
I had constant headache alongwith constant fever and those urticaria prone sensations on the skin.
Then I decided to go to delhi 1 week before exam but couldn’t, yet reached there 5 days before it and the place where I was staying was calm and soothing to my senses. But there I got infection🙂 due to poor contaminated quality of water of delhi although it was 24×7 RO purified, still ordering food from restaurants might have caused infection.
I would like to add in this blog why I failed in the exam. My mental and physical health I have already described (throughout the preparation stage). Still I managed to read all the bare-acts cover to cover, 5 questionaire banks-each question attempted, a few tests online, legal gk book, 4 main textbooks- I mean about 20 books in a span of 25-26 days. The worst thing I did to myself was that I studied for about 17 hours a day before exam despite having fever and infection. Then, I thought I would sleep at about 2 am, get up at 7 am and would be able to reach the exam venue by 9 am. AND guess what?? I could not sleep at 2 am🙂 Even after trying my best to calm down, I could sleep at about 5:30 am only n got forced to get up at 7 am by my bua (paternal aunt) because if I didn’t then I could not reach the venue on time. But I was totally spent and literally had no energy to get up. Gathered some mental strength from the fact that I worked so hard for this, although I had no strength to move. Add to this, when I was getting ready I hit my foot on the rough edgy underside of bed and it started bleeding and I had no cotton ball 🙂 by this time I was literally like “NEVERMIND 🙂 I know I am going to fail in this but I am going anyway.” Forgot to take paracetamol and anti-biotic as well. Had some grapes and water and proceeded to the venue. Guess what?? They didn’t let me carry my water bottle inside because it was made of metal and it was written MILTON on it. I am sure I would have gotten many answers in a judiciary exam from the word milton (of course, a sarcasm). Then, they didn’t even have water provided on the third floor where my room was. I had to go down the stairs to the first floor again just to drink water. I was thirsty AFFFFF!!!!! The invigilator was so ignorant that she told me to go to the 1st floor for water although she could arrange it for me and actually there was a water cooler at the third floor itself (a sweeper on the 1st floor told me that it was there on the 3rd floor as well). At this point, I was telling god “YOU SERIOUS HATE ME! DON’T YOU??” Now, by this time every iota of energy from my body was spent and I was feeling heavy from sleeplessness as well. Questions in the exam were exactly what I read in those question banks (about 60%) but by this time I had forgotten everything. I mean I had forgotten all the informative and specific knowledge and I could attempt only those questions correctly in which I had to ‘decide’ according to given facts as those questions didn’t involve pressurizing my mind ‘to remember forgotten specifications’. How does all the hard-work goes in vain, one may learn from my life. 😐
Okay, then next, I had another judiciary exam exactly after 11 days aaaaand I had no motivation to study for it, although I did as much as I could but I knew it was not enough, so I didn’t take that exam although I was in gurugram for that exam only. It was by now the first week of may and the stay at gurugram kinda started healing me. It was a peaceful place, although their AirBNB apartment’s AC didn’t work for 1 day but they managed to repair its machine. (Why am I giving these details?? 🙄) I am giving these details because it was quite necessary for my heat urticaria to be in a room with low temperature on AC all the time. I had not studied 1 bulky act and 1 other act of the syllabus of that exam and I had no energy and motivation left in me to go for it, so I decided not to attempt it and saved my 1 attempt of the limited ones.
Now, in may, june and july, those skin sensations and fever were still there, although head stopped from aching and face’s itchiness and dryness had reduced little bit.
For face, I tried that mint oil+coconut oil+vitamin E mixture at home and calamine lotion whenever I went outside. Urticaria’s most drastic effect was on my lips which were deeply cut and wounded that I could not apply any lipstick/lipbalm etc. on them. Actually, nothing worked for lips else than inner healing AND applying coconut oil and beetroot powder mixture and then putting on the mask. The warmth caused by mask was helping in softening lips’ skin. Neck and collar-bone area and left forearm stayed the same till the beginning of august.
After all this, I, incessantly started searching and researching about what actually my ailment was and got to know that it was Heat Urticaria (precisely in the last week of july). Now, I knew exactly what it was and what was its cure in allopathy, ayurveda, homeopathy, and naturopathy. I was reluctant about allopathy because all they do about heat urticaria is giving the patient Antihistamines (anti-allergic) medicine which, I read somewhere, was of least use in urticaria as it just could suppress the symptoms and not do any inner healing. In ayurveda, I researched extensively but was reluctant to have any tablets.
I stopped eating and drinking any hot food including any spicy, fried, caffeinated, carbonated, exothemic, creamy, overly sweet, overly salty, sour, pungent, and fermented food. Specifically took mint chutney (just mint and some salt in it), cucumbers, simple indian flat bread (roti) with Desi Ghee, simply cooked veggies, and fennel seeds water.
Now, I started healing quicker than I thought I could. Within a week those prickly sensations stopped altogether. My body temperature started to cool down within a week. The red patches with high temperature over those areas were still there but were reducing in redness and burning sensations gradually. By the mid of august, my neck and collarbone almost got healed i.e. the warts had healed competely and the scars were barely there. Face got healed completely; my eyes were looking brighter and there was barely any dark circle. Neck also got free from any warts. The only thing that was there was occasional fever which I got rid of completely in september.
After getting healed, I could not believe that there was actually a life without fever. SERIOUSLY!!
So, my Heat Urticaria was a journey of six-seven months i.e. from the start of March, 2022 to the end of September, 2022 because my fever actually healed completely by the end of september and there were no occasional complaints or symptoms of Heat Urticaria after that.