You have reached the depths of my heart n soul
That even I never knew existed.
You have reached the depths of my heart n soul
That even I never knew existed.
Though I feel whole in my own world,
My yearning for you is reaching far beyond any name of that emotion,
It’s not only about your touch,
It’s everything about you and the way you pull my soul towards you in motion.
I wish you stay by my side
And care not only when I am stressed or upset or angry
But even when I am on my own n in my best,
I want to live in happiness with you,
Not in misery, and love’s detest.
The universe will hurt you
over n over again
until you learn who can heal you
n who can intoxicate you further,
you will find the pain n pleasure of intoxication delicious,
until you smell
the healing flavour,
It’s upon you,
And only upon you,
Either to jump in the same pit
To know in the end
That it’s meant to be escaped,
Or get out of it
Once and forever;
what seems more in your concern is
Every time the stair you use to climb out of it
The same stair you leave
in that same dumping pit,
then jump in it and come out of it never.
‘Use the past
Play the sympathy card
To cover the shit done to you.’
It’s not strange in this world,
Where being right is so hard,
Being wronged is so easy,
And culprits to escape every time
Just after a couple of days
By doing something cheezy-peasy.
Standing for yourself n creating boundaries
A psychopath exasperating the hell out of you
Is fine in the end
With a little show of humility
despite being internally shrewd,
But you are meant to suffer
Because fighting for right is wrong,
And even after betraying somebody badly,
All one has to do is, post a picture, write a few lines, or sing an emotional song.
“Is it my gut feeling
Or am I paranoid??”
My mind asked..
“Whatever it is,
you are just afraid to lose him,
bit by bit,
the fear eating you from the inside,
more and more,
without any cure..”
My heart replied.
Moving with integrity against a narcissist takes a toil on you, both mentally n physically.
When you are offended, that too without a fault of you or provocation, you feel like beating the shit out of the offender.
You know you have lost a lot, not for your own faults, but because of the same offender’s manipulation tactics.
And nobody can understand your anguish, only you can because you have had to bear the loss. The biggest loss being of your love, that you cannot bear.
And when you speak up about it, that psychopathic bitch(or should I call her a slut now? as she loves that kind of language) would either take the turn next in offending you again or would try her best to be the loving n impressive person, which is actually the fake n temporary behaviour that is a trademark of narcissists, to behave very lovingly, politely and impressively after offending others or doing wrong to others in order to save oneself from the criticism or deserving hatred or other consequences. It actually happens because the narc has put her shit (mental filth) over the other person for the other to suffer mentally from it when the psycho knows that that other person will not take revenge.
The anger stays in the person offended which makes that person to talk negatively incessantly, depresses mentally and makes ill physically and when that happens, the narcissist rises again as the harmonious, loving and kind person to impress others who is a piece of shit from the core.
I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.
Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.
When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.
I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??
That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)
So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).
Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.
Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.
I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.
I have seen your five hundred shades of fuckedupness,
But I am sure you have five thousand more,
I’d love to seize the opportunity to know,
Not just for the sake of knowing
But for removing anything about you
From my mind that’s obscure;
Believe me, I don’t want to take your burdens,
I have many of my own,
I just want to uncage you
From the bounds of your own mind,
I want to bury the seeds of love,
Water them with care
So that we can reap the eternal love that is sown.
That one tip tracing my every nerve
Pushing me closer to the heaven
Leaving a trail
Making a map
Of his desire
Over my flushed skin
And ruling my mind
Leaving between us