Looking into the void for hours,
I try to ditch my own emptiness
And fail,
Never knew I could be such a failure.
(Originally posted on 19th aug, 2020 as I had lost one of my Buas (paternal aunt) I could not describe how much grief I was in.. I was completely shattered…..)
The day of your abode will always be one of the worst days of my life, Papa. It’s been eight years but I have not completely healed since that day and cannot forget the way it happened so shockingly and how much pain you were in for months. I wish you could live much longer. But I know that your soul is still there, taking care of me and guiding me through many difficulties. I cannot write much here but you know that you will always be one of the best persons of my life and the best man I have ever known. I could not give you much in life, you left when it was your time to receive anything from me but I hope that I could make you very proud one day particularly and with my deeds every day. Meet me in my dreams till we meet again. Love you. Missing you.
Your Proud Daughter. 💜
Religious ceremonies are strange. They celebrate the death of a really old one (+80 years) like that person’s long life didn’t matter enough, and mourn the death of a kid the most like he had given a lot to them. And calling it the first death anniversary after 11 months of someone’s death really goes above my head.. Why eleven months here when we don’t celebrate someone’s first birthday after 11 months of birth??
People be like- It’s been an year since she is gone.
I am like- No..Not really.. How can you adjust one whole month into it??
According to me, exact dates have special significance, be it of birth or death or anything else, and one cannot just percieve an event to have happened one month earlier than it actually happened, if that event is really important to someone.
Another thing..Why people wear dull clothes on someone’s death?? I mean, it feels like a mandatory rule and if you do not abide by it, you are a socially unacceptable weirdo culprit. I wonder, do people really go for shopping keeping in mind that somebody is about to die or purchase clothes for that particular purpose?? I cannot have that much negativity in my mind while buying clothes. Moreover, it’s more about what one feels in the soul, the grief and mourning, than what one is capable of faking on that particular occasion or day. Loss of a life is a lifetime grief and missing that one on many occassions rather than a 13 days, one month or 11 months process that you follow by rules and then forget that person like they never existed.
All in all, social norms are really strange to me. They are usually followed strictly by those who do not know themselves, their own feelings and are not in touch with their soul, and maybe, not really in touch even with someone they lost.
This is a paragraph that I have found as a dream interpretation. I don’t know why I see some horrible dreams full of helplessness. I need some more clues or clear interpretation as to what actually they mean.
So, today I saw one such dream, or I say, a nightmare. Dream was quite long but I am writing about only that part that is bothering me the most.. My father and I were in a marketplace and he had an argument with a wholesale merchant about the price of some products, which he denied to buy, started going down a lane in the open in frustration. I was following him. I was a kid. I heard the merchant calling some men for attacking us. My father was walking with a good speed, I was lagging behind. I was trying to speed up as he was not listening to me when I was trying to tell him what I heard. Suddenly, a group of four-five goons came, held him and did beat him so mercilessly. They broke his that arm completely whose elbow was broken in real. He was drenched in blood. He initially tried to fight but all in vain. It all happened within seconds. They kept on beating him, and finally he died. I was at a distance, some people held me and I screamed like never before out of innate helplessness. Then I woke up.
Once in a while, I see such nightmares of immense helplessness in which always a group is attacking, mostly I see myself being attacked by mob, stabbed with knives, or killed in some ruthless ways. Fights, Bloodshed and death by a group or mob is the main theme of most of my nightmares. This time it was related to my father, which increased my intensity manifolds, that too about which I could not do anything. This was the feeling of helplessness like never before.
Is there anyone who can interpret dreams/nightmates and their symbols paychologically or throw some light?
Someone committing suicide is very disheartening to know,
Depression is not a game
It is that disease that eats one alive,
You see cancer and covid deadly, being physical
But what about that deadly weapon you can never see
and that does not let one survive??
I wish..
I could see you
Hear you
Talk to you
Hug you and share a smile..
Some things really become impossible..
I can do that only in my dreams
or wide awake in my mind..
Sometimes I feel lost and blank
Sometimes thoughts run faster than turbine..
I wish I could do something,
I wish I could stop you,
I wish I did not let you go there,
I wish I could find a way..
But there is no way..
There is no going back..
This is the tragedy..
I cannot bring you back.
I Think For All 