WHERE ARE THE BOUNDARIES??

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When I wanted to get clicked wearing this set of clothes, I could see a huge disappointment and panic on my bua (paternal aunt’s) face. I guided her how to to click this picture (the exact place where she had to keep the mobile in hand) and just tap on the button. She was hugely annoyed to even look at me, spare clicking the picture. I asked her “what happened” although I was known to the answer already. She said “from where have you learnt wearing these clothes and clicking these pictures??” to which I replied that these days many people wear them. There’s nothing wrong in them. They are casual clothes. She went a step further and said, “nobody cultured wear this. Only sex workers/sluts wear this, that too, not from India, negros wear this.”

If I was dealing with her 3-4 years ago and listened to these words, I would have left the house (saying this very seriously as I had tried once in 4 years ago), but now, having her as a responsibility to me, I cannot do that or even think about that. Instead, I said, “You are very backward, biased and narrow-minded. Look around you, and see how much the world has progressed from this backward mentality” and then carried on with sharing the picture on instagram. After that, she was like “you are ruining your dead father’s name. You do this kind of stuff. (Mare hoye peu da naam khraab kri ja ese kamm kar kar ke)” I think this was quite a big another trigger for me usually, but I am glad that I still kept my cool and told her “nothing like that happens. You are over-reacting for no reason and anyways, he’d tell me in my dream if he’d be disappointed. And I am an adult, you have no right to question what I wear and what I share anywhere.” Seriously, she was still looking at me like I did some crime, although she had been saying utter bullshit all the while. She went onto saying “I never prohibited you from wearing anything or meeting anyone.” Well, that was quite a LIE. She always panics whenever I go onto meeting any person. She even used to panic when I met a female friend, meeting a male friend or going on a date was like making her understand the whole idea of the meeting, details in advance and repeatedly telling her “it’s just a meeting. You must be thinking I am going to have sex.” because it was always about my father’s reputation according to her; and honestly, it was never that she let me wear anything I wanted, it was always a hell lot of drama from her side about my clothes (uptil my good age of 24 years she even had a problem with me using any kind of make-up). Soooo, again, I kept my cool and told her “see, you just made a big issue out of my clothes right now and you never let me meet anyone peacefully ever, you always did fight about that. Just accept that you are socially backward, not cultured or traditional and stop thinking that I won’t do what I want to do.”

The point: Sometimes what you see is not true. The one who seems rude has become so when that person had no other option left and the one who seems to be very protective and caring is just an immature energy vampire who sucks on the mind and energy of that ‘rude one’ without any limit making that person to react really rude or cruel as a result. Some people, be it a family member or a friend or an outsider break one’s boundaries way too much just because that person made them comfortable in doing so, by not standing up for one’s own rights. I did that a lot in my childhood, adolescense and adulthood as well. I always thought about the comfort of my family, their wishes about how I should have lived, just so that they could not have any mental or emotional issue because of me. BUT I realised over time that I made them way too comfortable in interfering in my life. Initially, I used to get triggered badly by such comments from them, but I am glad that I learnt handling the situation, calmly, over time.

Honestly, I am feeling guilty sharing this because it feels like I am bringing my family’s issues here on a platform where people do not need to know about it but on the other hand, I think and feel that it is crucial to share such incidents. I used to be held back, depressed and not myself for years because of such nagging, controlling and biased behaviour of my own family members, and never shared a thought with anyone faking it that everything was perfect whatever was happening and how-so-ever I was being treated.

It does not mean that they don’t love me. They can even die for me if the need arises, to save me, but, the main problem is that they never let me live either. I never feel mentally, emotionally and socially content and safe. I have become really tough and walled because of strong boundaries, but I really feel that just in case, they had gotten some counselling from an outsider professional, they might have had a better mindset and behaviour, that could as a result let them and me live freely without any fight on very menial and personal stuff like make-up, clothing, and being social.

Which kind to choose between confusing personalities of males?? (Psychological perspective with layman’s language).

We may get confused between the real nature of people and end up with the wrong one. Here, what matters is how to recognise someone’s personality. This one is for the females who really need to learn the difference between ‘BAD BOY, GOOD MAN’ and ‘GOOD BOY, BAD MAN’.

The Bad Boy, Good Man is a man who will respect you, stay committed to you, will not let you down or try to destroy you emotionally or mentally. He may act errant and childish from time to time by teasing, irritating or fighting with you for no reason, but that’s about it. He will not do that to manipulate you or to feed his ego but only because he needs to learn better behaviour or that kind of childishness is in him by nature that makes a part of his core personality. There is nothing much wrong in that. To err is human. To be errant is a part of every single person’s personality. He is teachable. He will have his shit together or he will try his best for that. Even at his worst, he will not use others to make him whole.

The latter one-Good Boy, Bad Man is someone you need to keep a distance from or say goodbye to, as soon as you can. This kind of a man is cunning by nature but behaves like a good boy displaying very good behaviour or acts like he is teachable but only as long as you keep feeding him with your energy, your good behaviour, your time, affection and love. He makes you and everyone feel that there is nothing wrong with him. He is a very well-mannered person. But, it’s all a facade. He does that to hide his inner ‘bad man’s character. When you stop or even take a break from or be unable to feed him with what he and his ego desires, he will start manipulating you. He will not think twice before cheating. He won’t commit to you ever. He will stay present in your life but only to control you because his inner man’s nature is inherently evil. He will not hesitate from disrespecting you, that too, when you did not do that much of a blunder or were just being errant like a girl (bad girl, good woman nature), and to disrespect you he may even cheat upon you and put all the blame on your behaviour which was quite normal as ‘to err is human’ and will never take the responsibility or accountability of doing wrong(s) to you. He will mostly use others even as a friend but will act right only when every single thing is going on according to his desires, wishes, whims and caprices. This kind of a man’s nature is inherently evil but he will always act like a good boy/good man in front of others.

Though these are not the only categories. There are ‘bad boy, bad man’ and ‘good boy, good man’ as well. But those personalities are quite easily observable yet they are not easily found. The real confusion happens between the two described above. I hope this will help someone.

Beware of wrong kind of motivation.

Overly-motivational videos sometimes make you feel like you are the only one not doing good enough in life.

Use them with caution and only when you are willing to do something and are not depressed because believe it or not, it tends to depress you even further when you watch them talk about how one can “rise from the ashes” “go from rags to riches” “from blank to highly enlightened” with pure passion and courage and spirit. No people! Courage, spirit and passion are only a minor proportion of what is required to reach your destination. If everyone could attain everything based on mere passion which is actually only emotional power, each one on this planet would have been an achiever.

Where on the one hand, they are right to motivate others who need only motivation despite having every other thing required to reach a goal, on the other hand it can make one feel really weak who has no plan or target to achieve. One needs logic, grit and resources more than mere motivation. It’s like if you want to run a wheel, you need, first of all, wood or metal and tools and knowledge to assemble it to make it, rather than having a potential energy to be changed into kinetic one. One cannot make a wheel out of leaves or air or water merely with passion.

Kudos to those motivational speakers who talk about steps as well to attain your goals. They have in-depth knowledge of how things work and they talk with logic as well as emotions.

What Are You Psychologically Projecting?

https://wp.me/p7bq2c-8fF

Kindly read it; you will get a lot of insight about your own behaviour. 🙂

Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, particularly of Perfectionism introduced.

Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder of Perfectionism is a real thing. Read the article in the link provided, you will get an insight into the issue.

/https://psychcentral.com/lib/ocd-perfectionism/

First of all, your question must be what OCD is.

OCD is a psychological disorder, a very common one; both diagnostically (cases in millions) and otherwise.

It refers to Excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviours (compulsions). Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterised by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviours.

(Source: google)

People have OCD about different patterns, for example, cleanliness, orderliness, success, looks, a particular project (of which a broader and deeper OCD has to be looked into). Some people have it about losing others. Some go through it regarding perfectionism.

Now, let’s talk about the deep seated reasons behind it. The reasons vary from person to person but the common factor behind its preliminary invocation is the formulation of a pattern regarding something important to a person. For example, a person A wants to be a successful football player. He works really hard to get selected in his school football team. He is putting all the efforts into it. But just like any other thing, there is uncertainty of his selection which keeps him afraid of not being selected in the team. Whenever he started practicing, he had his ups and downs as usual, but meanwhile he started noticing that whenever he wore a particular pair of socks, he did hit the goal, at least more often than while wearing the other pairs of socks. With time, he began associating that pair of socks with his success in his game. Gradually it became a pattern in his mind. After that, he could not think of having the courage to wear any other pair of socks because of the fear of failure during play. Here, wearing that pair bacame a part of his OCD.

OCD is a pattern that arises out of deep fears, which even if the person recognizes within oneself, is, most of the times, unable to get rid of unless and until that fear gets eliminated from that person’s mind which is highly likely that it does not go away until the root or substance of that fear has gotten eliminated out of his/her life completely.

In the given article, the ways to tackle with the OCD of Perfectionism have been described well. Kindly read it at least once if you have a fear of failure or fear of what other people think about you or being any less than perfect in front of the others or yourself or fear of making mistakes in general.

Personally, I have had OCD of cleanliness, organisation, loss of people, perfectionism and that related to failure. I have gotten rid of four of them to a good extent and it happened when I faced those fears. I tried to not be too clean all the time. I tried to be messy for days. I lost people. But this fear of failure and perfectionism is something I still need to tackle with and heal. I am sharing about my own OCD because I want you to know that if one person can do it, others also can; also, if it can be tackled with in one sphere of life, it can be done so in other spheres as well.

I, mostly, used Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on myself. I know that it sounds strange but it can be done. You can talk to yourself. But I would prefer consulting a counsellor or psycho-therapist, whichever suits you because one cannot reach the right solutions on one’s own in psychological problems and is much more likely to fall into the abyss of chaos of thoughts rather than detangling that stuff and adopting a cause and effect approach rationally. I have gone for therapy also but that was for some other reasons years ago but due to that I can tell the difference.

In case you need to know how I did it, you may contact me. And, in case you have tackled with it, you are more than welcome to share your ways and story. It might help somebody. Like I am half there, it’s okay to be half there as well. Feel free to share.

Thanks. 🙂