Problem with good emotions.

My problem is that I may tell you that I love you and then would like to stay alone but when I would like to be with you I won’t even say a thing.

Some people cannot handle good emotions at first and I am one of them. It’s because they never or barely got to experience love. So, it feels over-whelming when they get to experience it.

Reminiscing my nature.

I can’t even explain how I think. Many live in and for experiences. I really don’t seek them. I don’t seek events to make memories about them. I don’t think that we are what we create or some experiences can create us (ok particularly me here). How I take experiences is purely the mental stimulators or catalysts for different thinking. As far as I remember nothing has changed me much. Those who know me now or at whatever period of time they might have known me may think that I have changed a lot. But that’s not true. They have only seen my behaviour for a short period of time n for a few events or so on but my basic nature has always been like this only.

I was always quiet in front of the outsiders (school, college, relatives functions, strangers etc.) and quiet in my own home maybe for eternity.. but.. whenever I wanted to socialise I was one hella fun person. I was always the one who organised family functions to the T (not the labour part, ok). I was always sporty whenever anyone came to the house (n got comfy in the family) to play a game or two. I made jokes whenever I observed something laugh-worthy in the surroundings. I was analysing situations, people’s behaviour and dynamics of different kinds right from my very childhood (like since the age of 6-7 years old). I always observed a lot. Like really.. I can very confidently say that I filter about 95-98% of things that I observe just because I find them quite useless including people who think that they can always sneak, tresspass, abuse n escape.. “Nope ! You didn’t. I did let you because you are not important at all.” If you think that I have become angrier, that too, is in my nature by birth, though the outlets have changed. I used to store it all or tended to flush off that energy by playing cricket for two hours daily in the evening (though with my brother n father only). It was really a good release of energy then. Now I feel like not storing any shit in my mind n release it all through words. If we talk about confidence. I always had a very good amount of self-confidence but I was always quiet about it because I was getting regular recognition about my capability through professors n results etc. Now I have to show it in other ways because of the wake of social media as in this era if you don’t verbalise or show your capabilities, then you are considered not to have them at all and those who are ept at showing off, become successful, though they might have half of your capabilities.

The point is.. I was always more or less similar..Not much has changed.. Neither my nature, nor my strength.. It’s just that those who have started to know different sides of me or my deeper layers, they think that I have changed a lot; they actually never knew me. Really.. Never..

Strangest thing about me: I do the things, I hate to do, the most. This one I still cannot understand why. Sooner or later, I end up doing things that I really hate.

Strongest point about me: I really, and by this I mean REALLY, I don’t give a fuck about who thinks what about me.

Weakest point about me: I won’t actualise something until I have done it to perfection, exactly the way I visualised it, and even after reaching that point I keep polishing it so that it can reach a point to my utmost satisfaction.

The best thing I find about my life: No matter how filthy situations, events or people I deal with, my bounce back game is strong AF, stronger than many, and I don’t mean it by the show off part, I mean it about things considered valuable.

Experience against a psychopath.

If a psychopath has a crush on me, I am not the problem at all.

Psychopaths do have unattainable goals be it any person; it aggrandizes their fragile ego in case they succeed in getting that person and to get that high/reach that peak, they keep chasing that person hiding the agenda from everyone and even using their own so-called friends without even letting them know and those poor fellows innocently do everything on the whims of that psychopath.

I have strong intuition. Most of the times, as I have judged anyone, it has proved to be true with time and sometimes it has begun being obvious to others as well. So, definitely, my mind works really well, it’s only an envious psychopath who tries to twist things about n around me so that others find me as the problematic one.

Undone..

I love myself way too much

For you to unlove me and still be here,

For me to keep reminiscing you only for the touch,

For me to love you more and keep you here.

Real issue..

If you see me very silent

Lost somewhere

With my eyes dead

Just know that I am counting my calories consumed.

😜

Locked forever..

As much as I am trying to liberate my mind,

I am still locking the truths of my heart.

Agony of love.

“Is it my gut feeling

Or am I paranoid??”

My mind asked..

“Whatever it is,

you are just afraid to lose him,

bit by bit,

the fear eating you from the inside,

more and more,

without any cure..”

My heart replied.

Can you move with integrity against a narcissist??

Moving with integrity against a narcissist takes a toil on you, both mentally n physically.

When you are offended, that too without a fault of you or provocation, you feel like beating the shit out of the offender.

You know you have lost a lot, not for your own faults, but because of the same offender’s manipulation tactics.

And nobody can understand your anguish, only you can because you have had to bear the loss. The biggest loss being of your love, that you cannot bear.

And when you speak up about it, that psychopath would either take the turn next in offending you again or would try her best to be the loving n impressive person, which is actually the fake n temporary behaviour that is a trademark of narcissists, to behave very lovingly, politely and impressively after offending others or doing wrong to others in order to save oneself from the criticism or deserving hatred or other consequences. It actually happens because the narc has put her shit (mental filth) over the other person for the other to suffer mentally from it when the psycho knows that that other person will not take revenge.

The anger stays in the person offended which makes that person to talk negatively incessantly, depresses mentally and makes ill physically and when that happens, the narcissist rises again as the harmonious, loving and kind person to impress others who is a piece of shit from the core.

MY FATHER πŸ’œ

You were not the shine,

You were the light

It’s your teachings and behaviour

That have guided me to choose the right

Whether in humanity, love, or fight,

You will always remain with me and inside of me,

With my every breath

I will keep missing

the smiling face

and beautiful presence of thee.

[HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALLπŸ’œπŸ€—πŸ˜‡]

Kinda irony, kinda paradox.

Kinda feeling like not giving a single fuck,

Kinda feeling bad about both the guys (her bf n my love),

Betrayers think that loyal ones are fools

And by this thought, they prove themselves to be the biggest fools.