My horoscope read today “somebody would interfere in your love life” and it was not wrong, she did, she would do every fucking single time and to my dismay, I cannot do anything about it and I don’t even want to do anything when you are happy getting half of somebody, stay there.
My whole needs whole of you, not a small bit less than that.
What fucks me up a lot is if I do not give my 100% to something or someone, even on 90%, I am worthless, whereas if the other person even gives 10% more from 0 or 10% to 10% or 20%, then that person is valuable. Those who even compare don’t know what they think about, like they never evaluate each and everything related to somebody in the past, they just consider the current vibes and let it make them their decision. Don’t be so biased even if you love to compare. And then I feel like I was never meant to be valued. I had begun feeling like it was only in my mind but really, I have seen this pattern a lot of the times(even since childhood). One good deed by somebody else makes them the best because they maintained a level of disappointment most of the times whereas one disappointment from me makes me the worst one despite not letting myself disappoint them in the past continually for a long time. And when it happens a lot of the times, this bias, it takes the best of me, and then I break down mentally completely; heartbreak alongwith mental breakdown feels devastating or nothing at all, it’s either hell lot of anxiety and depression together or complete shut down and numbness. Then, I don’t know what do I have to do in even the easiest of situations. Every wrong, big or small, tends to trigger irritability and acute anger which only I know how hard is to control. I have always been edgy from the inside and I think I can never show that except to my own family. It feels like I am psychotic angry, which I know I am not, because as deeply n intensely I feel, I can never show what it is; you may say it’s a kill or be killed kind of anger, I don’t know anything lesser than that. I control it, and become more frustrated. But the reasons given above trigger it every single time and it’s because I have abandonment issues for the same reason and those wounds open up every time and I don’t even know the reasons of the other side else than that their behaviours are inherently biased.
It doesn’t disappoint me to know who has ill-will against me, I am too grateful to know people’s reality and true intentions that I actually did not get involved with any of them more than they deserved.
(This is my last poem here as a many rats n snakes have been spying here (the unexpected ones) with whom I have had no personal experience on any level in the past or present, still some people are like that only.)