THAT GIRL

A girl loving and liking
only the dunken dough-nut, waffles and malt,
Knowing the nature of world odd and snide,
Found comfort in things that never came to halt,
Having a kind, gentle and childlike heart,
She remembered each action of others,
Having deep emotions and sentivity being her nature’s part,
In the era of liking for materialistic possessions,
She was fond of, an admirer of, art
Alpines, trees, snow-flakes, waters, jungles, birds,
animals not put in a cage or cart,
She loved the poetry of nature
Yet aiming, for her goals keenly, with a surreal dart.

She had the innocence to dream like cyndrella,
Waiting for her prince charming,
but she got many a fake of princes
that made her senses more alarming.
Unlike the story of romeo n juliet,
She loved yet did not get the same in return,
which made her emotions, deep in her psyche churn,
She already had the wounds of the past
but they made them even more burn.

There came the king,
There came the silent lover,
There came someone with an obsession,
There came someone with power,
Though they lied n tried,
showed her their gullible pride,
But always her inner voice became her guide.

‘You can’t mess with a girl like that’
was her love song for whole of her life,
All she wanted was to be, for once,
one’s best friend and lover,
not to take up her burdens,
but to stay present with her in her strife.

(16th Nov, 2019)

Reminiscing my nature.

I can’t even explain how I think. Many live in and for experiences. I really don’t seek them. I don’t seek events to make memories about them. I don’t think that we are what we create or some experiences can create us (ok particularly me here). How I take experiences is purely the mental stimulators or catalysts for different thinking. As far as I remember nothing has changed me much. Those who know me now or at whatever period of time they might have known me may think that I have changed a lot. But that’s not true. They have only seen my behaviour for a short period of time n for a few events or so on but my basic nature has always been like this only.

I was always quiet in front of the outsiders (school, college, relatives functions, strangers etc.) and quiet in my own home maybe for eternity.. but.. whenever I wanted to socialise I was one hella fun person. I was always the one who organised family functions to the T (not the labour part, ok). I was always sporty whenever anyone came to the house (n got comfy in the family) to play a game or two. I made jokes whenever I observed something laugh-worthy in the surroundings. I was analysing situations, people’s behaviour and dynamics of different kinds right from my very childhood (like since the age of 6-7 years old). I always observed a lot. Like really.. I can very confidently say that I filter about 95-98% of things that I observe just because I find them quite useless including people who think that they can always sneak, tresspass, abuse n escape.. “Nope ! You didn’t. I did let you because you are not important at all.” If you think that I have become angrier, that too, is in my nature by birth, though the outlets have changed. I used to store it all or tended to flush off that energy by playing cricket for two hours daily in the evening (though with my brother n father only). It was really a good release of energy then. Now I feel like not storing any shit in my mind n release it all through words. If we talk about confidence. I always had a very good amount of self-confidence but I was always quiet about it because I was getting regular recognition about my capability through professors n results etc. Now I have to show it in other ways because of the wake of social media as in this era if you don’t verbalise or show your capabilities, then you are considered not to have them at all and those who are ept at showing off, become successful, though they might have half of your capabilities.

The point is.. I was always more or less similar..Not much has changed.. Neither my nature, nor my strength.. It’s just that those who have started to know different sides of me or my deeper layers, they think that I have changed a lot; they actually never knew me. Really.. Never..

Strangest thing about me: I do the things, I hate to do, the most. This one I still cannot understand why. Sooner or later, I end up doing things that I really hate.

Strongest point about me: I really, and by this I mean REALLY, I don’t give a fuck about who thinks what about me.

Weakest point about me: I won’t actualise something until I have done it to perfection, exactly the way I visualised it, and even after reaching that point I keep polishing it so that it can reach a point to my utmost satisfaction.

The best thing I find about my life: No matter how filthy situations, events or people I deal with, my bounce back game is strong AF, stronger than many, and I don’t mean it by the show off part, I mean it about things considered valuable.

(Originally posted on 28th Dec, 2020)

Disruption..

And if we can make it together,

What’s making the gap so wide?

(28th dec,2020)

Locked forever..

As much as I am trying to liberate my mind,

I am still locking the truths of my heart.

(16th Oct, 2020)

Switched off intuition and confused myself..

I tried to switch off intuition

and now I am all perplexed,

I do feel the things in a certain way

trying to grasp the ‘why’s of everything,

Even while moving through the ruffled waters

I know where I am going

my intuition guides me my lane,

Now when I have switched it off I am feeling so low,

Feeling things, not vibes, in a confused way,

I don’t know what’s going where, like I am driving myself insane.

I think I turned against the nature,

Putting off something that makes the basic me,

That’s why the nature is punishing me,

The need is not to not feel things I am getting this now,

The need is to feel and be guided by my intuition and still be rational somehow.

(First published on 9th Jan, 2020)

My personal obsessions.

Do you have strange attractions or obsessions for certain things/objects??

I have a few of them apart from the water bodies, mountains, sky and nature in general. Here is the list,

1. Different kinds of money notes- From Rupee one to any amount of any currency, I feel like having all kinds of notes.

2. Buttons– I just love fancy buttons; colourful, sparkling, glittery, smooth, coarse (I mean different textures). The more diverse, the better.

3. Gems, Crystals and stones- Almost all kinds of gems; more than that crystals and crystal crockery is love. Stones generally which can be found on the river bank or sea shore, having different textures and colours. Transparent ones are the most attractive. I don’t like sea-shells though (eewwww, why would you carry a part of an animal with you??).

4. Sparkles– The stationery glitters and sparkles. I guess many people love that.

5. Colours– Not on anything but powdered colours, as simple as that. The more diverse, the more brightly hued, the better.

6. Flowers and herbs– All kinds of flowers are lovely, red roses are my most favourite though. I want to have my own botanical garden having a varied amount of herbs and flowers in it.

7. Stationery products– Honestly, it’s hard to stop myself from buying a stationery product whenever I go to the market or anybody from my family goes to the market. How can I not like a beautiful eraser, pen, pencil or notebook?? I have had a lot of notebooks and I still have this obssession of using a new one for writing something new.

8. Schedulers– I love to manage time and I love to have a few different kinds of schedulers for all of my activities. They range from exercise and food to work and study, in terms of days,calculating everything in terms of hours,days, weeks n months. I am literally obssessed with planning, organising and managing time and energy.

9. Lights– Be them colourful or white, I just love lights and lighting instruments, from simplest ones like a lamp made of mud to the fanciest ones like a big chandelier full of crystals.

Couldn’t think of other obssessions yet.

Oh yeah..Obssessed with my partner, in case I have one. 😜

(First published on 15th June, 2020)

I mean this n that. ❤

Let’s do something that may leave me speechless,

And you wanting for more.

(First published on 1st Aug, 2020)

Free-bird.

My sense of independence is my biggest fetter

I rebel where most people won’t

And cooperate where most people don’t

Because I want something different

Different from what they know n what they are used to

I want something unexplored

Where they will never let me go n do what I intend to do

So I stay away

Pushing everyone away

Because I want to breath, think, feel and do everything freely

As you can’t control air

And if you do it turns into a storm

I do the same

And break every chain to stay free

But my sense of freedom fetters me

It doesn’t let me come close to anyone

Bcz I don’t want to be controlled with their judgements

I just want to live n love freely.

(First published on 25th aug, 2020)

There is mediocrity in you for copying my style.

Some people always try to bring out the worst in you, so that they can look better than you. They copy your style to provoke you till you burst out with anger to react. Those people do not have originality in them, so they just try to copy you, even your way of putting posts on social media, your symmetry, your pattern, because they themselves are not that creative or organised, and when you point out at that, then they make you look like a hater. No matter how calmly and cool-headedly you try to deal with those people, they won’t stop their stupidity and xerox mediocrity.

“SJ, For F sake, stop copying my style and patterns.”

INCAPACITY AND DECEIT STAYS IN YOU.

3 years ago, I had my very important Delhi Judicial Exam (Preliminary). I was deceived by a friend. I had lost someone whom I loved. I was in despair, trying very hard to focus on studies, in delhi.

Suddenly, my so-called former Best Friend Turned Love, (someone who himself started calling me Bestie first), Drunk AF, texted me “I need you. I need your hug so badly. You went there without meeting me. I am feeling like crying.” reading which I got really concerned and tried to console him for whatever he was feeling and tried to figure out the reason so that I could help him. But he said “your exam is too important for you, I am nothing” which really angered me at that moment as he did not say a single thing like that against my exam or described to me anything that he was feeling low for any reasons. I had gotten it by then that he was drunk and sad, to which he admitted later on. But despite going through a lot of shit myself, I still lend him a helping hand and tried to console him.

Later on and NOW whenever I feel sad or depressed, listening to me or trying to understand me is a far off thing, he runs away, and through one or the other social media page he tries to convey me this message 👇

I really don’t understand, first of all, when did I share any of my sadness to him?? I do not depend on anyone for my happiness. AND honestly speaking, LOSERS LIKE HIM are not even capable of giving anyone any happiness. Giving me disappointments and depression, yes, that’s his Forte. I don’t get it in which of his La La Land he thinks that I ever depended on him for my happiness.

Moreover, if I have to do everything by myself, including staying alone when I am feeling depressed, and do every single thing by myself for my success and happiness,, why the fuck would I let him come into my life when I am at my best?? For him to reap my rewards that I had sown and watered?? For him to enjoy all the good times only and run away like a fucking weakass loser when times get tough?? For him to suck up all of my good energy, draining me completely and walk all over me and never giving me a thing??

Does he know that he is immature, not good enough and incapable of being with anyone, leave alone me, because I am still doing much better than him even during sadness and depression??

Is he good enough who thinks that he will be available only to enjoy the goody-good stuff and otherwise just behave like a coward whenever I would need him or anyone, that too, only for being there with me at my lows and not demanding anything from him in those times??

“You couldn’t give me even one-fourth of what I gave you, emotionally, mentally and energetically. With what shit mouth you say that I should be responsible for my happiness. I got it a long time ago that you are incapable of giving me anything. I don’t even expect anyone to give me happiness but I am sure that someone equal to me in every sense will reciprocate with me at every level, not a loser like you. Last but not the least, how do you think that I still talk about a deceptive loser like you when I talk about love, who couldn’t even be a loyal friend??”

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