With me, people did not have commitment issues.. People had “you seem too good to be true, let me test and exhaust you” issues..
Commitment without love,
Is a mere formality..
I will run away
Prior to consuming its vanity.
One thing people don’t get is how much I have changed..and how much my needs around a partner have changed.
If I ever said that I don’t care about looks of my partner, it has changed now. Looks matter a lot to me now. AND anybody wearing a Turban is a big NO. Don’t get offended by this. I have literally nothing against Sikhism. Actually, all the males in my family used to wear a Turban, So I never get attracted to anyone like that. It’s something in-built. It’s a straight turn-off, no matter how good looking, smart and intelligent that guy may be, it will never attract me in the sense of a partner. Plus, I want equally good-looking or at least a smart looking and a fit guy. I am working on my fitness. I look good. I want the same, plain and simple. Attraction is the first thing we need in a long-term partnership, and I would deceive myself and the other person if I would waste time in making anyone comfortable in thinking that I am interested in them or if anyone would try to impose himself on me whom I don’t find attractive. Moreover, I have a particular face type and shape that attracts me a lot. It’s mostly a very masculine type. Sooo, the feminine behaving and long hair types should stay away.
If I ever said that money doesn’t matter, it does now ! I want someone who has more or less equal amount on money in person, and/or regarding family. About 1/3 or 1/4 money can fluctuate being up or down from either side. FYI, my family is already millionaire according to US currency and euros, both. A few DUMBFUCKS who don’t have enough money always think that I am trying to find a millionaire bcz I am gold-digger whereas those dumbfucks are actually the real gold-diggers and I was just looking who actually had more or less similar amount of money. It is required because I want to enjoy my kind of lifestyle with my partner, rather than attracting a gold-digger who doesn’t know how to manage his money or his family business, whatsoever, and would always keep an eye over my money. I don’t want to deplete my sources, I want equal investment from both the sides in everything.
If I ever said that degrees and education does not matter, it matters now. To take one degree, one has to spend years of their life and a hell load of brain power, which, who do not possess them cannot understand. Those dumbfucks actually make joke of the degrees and education just because they themselves could not get them, because these things require more brain and least DRAMA. Believe it or not, formal education really enhances a lot of knowledge and skills. I don’t want any half learned person to be with me to whom I will have to teach the very elementary things that they should have learnt in school or in first degree college. I will frustrate the hell out of me if I would do so. It shows in people’s behaviour how well educated they are. Also, it shows the most when you hold a one-to-one conversation with them how highly educated they are. Many fail at even one good conversation. I don’t want to be with someone with whom I cannot even talk on my areas of interest i.e. law, psychology, science, geography and/or political science (remember political science, Not Politics. There is a big difference between the two). He may be educated in any stream but should be well-educated and well-qualified, otherwise, there is a big NO.
Apart from that I want a good family of in-laws who are not backward that they think that my would-be husband would be having an upper hand over me. I want a family that would treat us both more or less equally. I get that initially every family is cautious with a new member’s arrival in their family and cannot trust completely and it takes a lot of adjustments to reach a place of equality with their son for their daughter-in-law. But, there is a big difference between making adjustments and their decisions being pressed upon me all the time. I love my freedom. Compromises can be made but I will not give upon my basic nature ever.
Other things-behaviour, trust, love, and loyalty, I have talked about them a lot of the times.
Yeah, last but not the least, I want someone well-mannered and that who does not taunt underhandedly through his good manners. That shit really gets on my nerves when someone tries to sound smart but really is not. Good manners and straight talk will always beget the same from my side and I won’t settle for less than that. Elegance looks good on me, and I want the same from my partner, and not much diversion from that in both of our behaviour.
SUBSTANCE: I WANT SOMEONE MORE OR LESS JUST LIKE ME.
Some people really think that why I don’t move on or try with someone new.. There is a very very deep reason. I actually moved on. I thought that I’ll never think about him ever again. In those times I was just numb to feelings. I became really logical as well as triggered. I was not feeling like myself for months. It’s not that I never tried. But someone doesn’t get out of your mind n soul. It’s not even ego that is making me hold onto him. It’s something, just there, right from the times when I even didn’t know that I had any feeling for him in the first place. It is not going anywhere. What do I do?? A few people try to influence me against it through posts on pages. And seriously, it annoys me to the core.
I had tried to move from the last person (before him) by dating one person who was really good, caring, marriage material. I even got physical with my ex to move on from him. That time also I couldn’t because I was feeling passionately for that one.
But then, whom I love came to my life out of the blue. Honestly, I was keeping a good distance from him. I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. And even he wasn’t interested in making me feel anything like that. But with friendship and affection, I started feeling very close to him. I was constantly denying myself that it was getting deeper because I, somehow knew that I would hurt myself at some point if I would feel anything else that friendship and affection for him. But I was feeling something else.
And when we got physical, even then for a few days I was in denial mode. Seriously, I couldn’t handle how intensely we made those moments. They might not be too much for many others, including him. But it was a lot for me. But still I was denying myself about its depth for a few weeks. I didn’t get what.
But now when I have tried every single fucking thing to move on. I don’t get it what is the problem with people who are just into talking against it. Why can’t you see someone loving someone else truly. Yes, for now, it is in words only. But my words come out from the depths of my soul. It’s too difficult for me to accept my own feelings being highly rational generally, leave alone being expressive about them. If I am being expressive about my feelings, it is something even I still cannot describe in words. It is much more than that.
Now, what do I do?? Try with new people, faking it all, wasting mine and their time?? I think it would be too selfish to do. So, I usually avoid anyone who may have interest in me, because I know that I won’t be interested in them in that sense.
What do I do with what I am feeling in my heart and soul?? I am taking my time. I am not forcing anything. I just want him to feel what I feel, that too, not forcefully, but by being a little expressive. I think that when I am not doing anything out of ego or to get him. I am doing this because things got fucked up last time because I stifled my feelings that time. I waited a lot, even gave up, but it has come up again in me. It really means that it had never gone. I had just become numb to my own feelings, also because I had lost my bua, I was traumatised and could only get triggered and could stay hurt. I was not in touch with my soul, my ego was saving me. Now, I am in balance, and I really want to see it will go where and I am hoping for a beautiful outcome. I am taking my time and putting my energy only where I want to and need to. I really don’t need unsolicited advices, specially those that go against my inner voice.
I don’t know healthy relationship. I have never been in one. That is why I am working on myself, so that I can have a wholesome relationship with someone I truly love. I don’t want anything toxic in between us. I am working on my triggers. A few friends may as well have observed that I have changed my behaviour a lot compared to what it was before. I am not faking it. I am working on it.
My problem is that I may tell you that I love you and then would like to stay alone but when I would like to be with you I won’t even say a thing.
Some people cannot handle good emotions at first and I am one of them. It’s because they never or barely got to experience love. So, it feels over-whelming when they get to experience it.
I hope you understand me by listening to your inner voice
Like I did for you
Without paying any heed to any outer noise.
I cannot explain this enough
how much I hate to be defensive
And explain my actions
As well as inaction..
But keep it to yourself;
This is for whosoever
I came or will come into interaction;
I owe nobody any explanation
For what I do
Or feel the need to show it off,
Although I may do it in fraction,
But I do everything to my standards’ satisfaction,
I steer my life in my own way,
I know what I did, doing and will do,
I don’t need from anybody else a single direction.
You have met with an accident. Your face has gotten disfigured, body paralyzed, you cannot speak (or cannot speak well), mentally you have become abnormal, you are losing money(for sure) now, you are unable to do any job or business. Who is going to stay with you now?? Ever thought about it??
When people ask me what I am looking for in a partner??
My answer is, this kind of Unshakeable commitment beyond any superficiality or impressiveness; because I know that I will stand by my partner in such a condition without any kind of physical,mental, or emotional cheating; but I highly doubt that anyone else can or will do that for me in the same condition.
And, those who could not stand by my side while I have been still working perfectly fine physically, mentally, socially and financially, should have elimininated any possibility of a re-union with me by now; but their egoism is so high that they think that they can revert back any time as they would please to (what the fuck??).
It does not mean that other things do not matter, they do, to live life happily and peacefully, and for growing together but this is something that cannot be compromised.