Convincing my mind- Speaking Up.

A lot of the times, I have to make my own mind convinced that those who have not studied Law, don’t get the Principle of Things as much as those who have studied it, and those who have not studied psychology really cannot understand the tactics of manipulation, realness and worn mask for Image Maintenance; And those who have studied both, really know the means and effects of PROVOCATION.

So yeah, people can Bitch about me behind my back, take the wrong side all the time or be toxic to me despite me suffering the dirty mind games of someone else, Still, in the end, I find contentment in that my Character is much much stronger than anyone’s fake image.

Anyone who has studied n has experience in both of these can straight up tell the difference.

And, coming onto social and peer pressure, I am an acer at standing alone and against the crowd who doesn’t get the principle of things.

If even after me suffering from mental turmoil and offended boundaries and being Provoked continuously, anyone is going to call me Toxic for reacting to the Shit a Bitch was throwing at me, those who Bitch behind my Back are also the same Toxic Bitches, they never know better and are only happy in their own Delusioned Little World of Fake Ass Shit !!

Nevermind ! I know how to handle such Bitches who first waste my time and energy and then ACT like the Goody-Good to gain validation and sympathy only, when I try to return their Trash Energy. ALAS ! returning that toxic shit is too Taxing on my mental n physical health. I am sure that such a Bitch has nothing important to do in her life, but My Every Single Minute Is Valuable as only I know what it entails to me.

(Original posting date: 20th april,2021)

Wandering soul..

Wanderlusting a different place

every single week,

I still have the audacity to say

I am not a freak,

I don’t know where I will truly find solace,

Since I know his arms are my truly peaceful place.

One love stays with you forever.

Some people really think that why I don’t move on or try with someone new.. There is a very very deep reason. I actually moved on. I thought that I’ll never think about him ever again. In those times I was just numb to feelings. I became really logical as well as triggered. I was not feeling like myself for months. It’s not that I never tried. But someone doesn’t get out of your mind n soul. It’s not even ego that is making me hold onto him. It’s something, just there, right from the times when I even didn’t know that I had any feeling for him in the first place. It is not going anywhere. What do I do?? A few people try to influence me against it through posts on pages. And seriously, it annoys me to the core.

I had tried to move from the last person (before him) by dating one person who was really good, caring, marriage material. I even got physical with my ex to move on from him. That time also I couldn’t because I was feeling passionately for that one.

But then, whom I love came to my life out of the blue. Honestly, I was keeping a good distance from him. I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. And even he wasn’t interested in making me feel anything like that. But with friendship and affection, I started feeling very close to him. I was constantly denying myself that it was getting deeper because I, somehow knew that I would hurt myself at some point if I would feel anything else that friendship and affection for him. But I was feeling something else.

And when we got physical, even then for a few days I was in denial mode. Seriously, I couldn’t handle how intensely we made those moments. They might not be too much for many others, including him. But it was a lot for me. But still I was denying myself about its depth for a few weeks. I didn’t get what.

But now when I have tried every single fucking thing to move on. I don’t get it what is the problem with people who are just into talking against it. Why can’t you see someone loving someone else truly. Yes, for now, it is in words only. But my words come out from the depths of my soul. It’s too difficult for me to accept my own feelings being highly rational generally, leave alone being expressive about them. If I am being expressive about my feelings, it is something even I still cannot describe in words. It is much more than that.

Now, what do I do?? Try with new people, faking it all, wasting mine and their time?? I think it would be too selfish to do. So, I usually avoid anyone who may have interest in me, because I know that I won’t be interested in them in that sense.

What do I do with what I am feeling in my heart and soul?? I am taking my time. I am not forcing anything. I just want him to feel what I feel, that too, not forcefully, but by being a little expressive. I think that when I am not doing anything out of ego or to get him. I am doing this because things got fucked up last time because I stifled my feelings that time. I waited a lot, even gave up, but it has come up again in me. It really means that it had never gone. I had just become numb to my own feelings, also because I had lost my bua, I was traumatised and could only get triggered and could stay hurt. I was not in touch with my soul, my ego was saving me. Now, I am in balance, and I really want to see it will go where and I am hoping for a beautiful outcome. I am taking my time and putting my energy only where I want to and need to. I really don’t need unsolicited advices, specially those that go against my inner voice.

I don’t know healthy relationship. I have never been in one. That is why I am working on myself, so that I can have a wholesome relationship with someone I truly love. I don’t want anything toxic in between us. I am working on my triggers. A few friends may as well have observed that I have changed my behaviour a lot compared to what it was before. I am not faking it. I am working on it.

Prayers help..

It works. It really does !! Trust me on this one.. Do not pray for a particular person; it’s just a part of attachment, not even love. You may pray to get a particular person but you may just attract them in your life for a short span that way. But if you pray like this, you will know who you exactly feel for and who you are meant to be with. Don’t even ask for the signs. Signs may be deceptive as we all behave in quite similar fashion or may do so in a short while. Just pray for your own soul to know the reality. And do not fear before and after that about letting go of anything or anyone not meant for you. Accept by heart that you have learnt your lessons and you just want to know and feel only for the one who you are meant to be with forever. YOU WILL KNOW, REALLY !

Which kind to choose between confusing personalities of males?? (Psychological perspective with layman’s language).

We may get confused between the real nature of people and end up with the wrong one. Here, what matters is how to recognise someone’s personality. This one is for the females who really need to learn the difference between ‘BAD BOY, GOOD MAN’ and ‘GOOD BOY, BAD MAN’.

The Bad Boy, Good Man is a man who will respect you, stay committed to you, will not let you down or try to destroy you emotionally or mentally. He may act errant and childish from time to time by teasing, irritating or fighting with you for no reason, but that’s about it. He will not do that to manipulate you or to feed his ego but only because he needs to learn better behaviour or that kind of childishness is in him by nature that makes a part of his core personality. There is nothing much wrong in that. To err is human. To be errant is a part of every single person’s personality. He is teachable. He will have his shit together or he will try his best for that. Even at his worst, he will not use others to make him whole.

The latter one-Good Boy, Bad Man is someone you need to keep a distance from or say goodbye to, as soon as you can. This kind of a man is cunning by nature but behaves like a good boy displaying very good behaviour or acts like he is teachable but only as long as you keep feeding him with your energy, your good behaviour, your time, affection and love. He makes you and everyone feel that there is nothing wrong with him. He is a very well-mannered person. But, it’s all a facade. He does that to hide his inner ‘bad man’s character. When you stop or even take a break from or be unable to feed him with what he and his ego desires, he will start manipulating you. He will not think twice before cheating. He won’t commit to you ever. He will stay present in your life but only to control you because his inner man’s nature is inherently evil. He will not hesitate from disrespecting you, that too, when you did not do that much of a blunder or were just being errant like a girl (bad girl, good woman nature), and to disrespect you he may even cheat upon you and put all the blame on your behaviour which was quite normal as ‘to err is human’ and will never take the responsibility or accountability of doing wrong(s) to you. He will mostly use others even as a friend but will act right only when every single thing is going on according to his desires, wishes, whims and caprices. This kind of a man’s nature is inherently evil but he will always act like a good boy/good man in front of others.

Though these are not the only categories. There are ‘bad boy, bad man’ and ‘good boy, good man’ as well. But those personalities are quite easily observable yet they are not easily found. The real confusion happens between the two described above. I hope this will help someone.

Important people.

“You make me sad like nobody else.”

“It means I am important to you??”😍

“No. It means you need to fuck off.”