(Originally posted on 7th July, 2021)
Nature is solace..
Nature is bliss..
Be it snow
Or sunshine’s kiss..-Preet
The show-cased artwork is just something I felt like drawing with oil pastels a few minutes ago. Needed art therapy badly and if one cannot go outside, then can imagine the scene and create one. No?? I love the vivid and vibrant colours in this one. ❤
(Published on 1st July, 2021)
I have drawn the background first and then written this quote over it. I would love to know how did you find the texture and pattern of the background. 💙💛
.(Copyrights to the image and words are reserved by the author. Please do not use the picture without explicit permission or share without giving credits.)
Heart was talking relentlessly,
Mind made an espionage,
Love was stuck in the lips
Veins were boiling with lustful rage
A moment got snapped in the air, amidst
The ruthless mouth devoured my lips
An hour after hour after hour of canny surrender,
The whole room was filled with the fragrance of love n lust
and our bodies sweaty mist.
All rights are reserved the author of this blog. Kindly take explicit permission before using the words written.
For more content on various themes, you are welcome to follow the author’s accounts by clicking on the link icons below 🙂
Original publishing date: 14th june,2021)
They say “Date them all until one of them shows you he is serious”,
I say “Brozone them all until one of them shouts “I want to be your fucking husband !!”
*chaos versus clarity*
Crazy but it works 😜
When I wanted to get clicked wearing this set of clothes, I could see a huge disappointment and panic on my bua (paternal aunt’s) face. I guided her how to to click this picture (the exact place where she had to keep the mobile in hand) and just tap on the button. She was hugely annoyed to even look at me, spare clicking the picture. I asked her “what happened” although I was known to the answer already. She said “from where have you learnt wearing these clothes and clicking these pictures??” to which I replied that these days many people wear them. There’s nothing wrong in them. They are casual clothes. She went a step further and said, “nobody cultured wear this. Only sex workers/sluts wear this, that too, not from India, negros wear this.”
If I was dealing with her 3-4 years ago and listened to these words, I would have left the house (saying this very seriously as I had tried once in 4 years ago), but now, having her as a responsibility to me, I cannot do that or even think about that. Instead, I said, “You are very backward, biased and narrow-minded. Look around you, and see how much the world has progressed from this backward mentality” and then carried on with sharing the picture on instagram. After that, she was like “you are ruining your dead father’s name. You do this kind of stuff. (Mare hoye peu da naam khraab kri ja ese kamm kar kar ke)” I think this was quite a big another trigger for me usually, but I am glad that I still kept my cool and told her “nothing like that happens. You are over-reacting for no reason and anyways, he’d tell me in my dream if he’d be disappointed. And I am an adult, you have no right to question what I wear and what I share anywhere.” Seriously, she was still looking at me like I did some crime, although she had been saying utter bullshit all the while. She went onto saying “I never prohibited you from wearing anything or meeting anyone.” Well, that was quite a LIE. She always panics whenever I go onto meeting any person. She even used to panic when I met a female friend, meeting a male friend or going on a date was like making her understand the whole idea of the meeting, details in advance and repeatedly telling her “it’s just a meeting. You must be thinking I am going to have sex.” because it was always about my father’s reputation according to her; and honestly, it was never that she let me wear anything I wanted, it was always a hell lot of drama from her side about my clothes (uptil my good age of 24 years she even had a problem with me using any kind of make-up). Soooo, again, I kept my cool and told her “see, you just made a big issue out of my clothes right now and you never let me meet anyone peacefully ever, you always did fight about that. Just accept that you are socially backward, not cultured or traditional and stop thinking that I won’t do what I want to do.”
The point: Sometimes what you see is not true. The one who seems rude has become so when that person had no other option left and the one who seems to be very protective and caring is just an immature energy vampire who sucks on the mind and energy of that ‘rude one’ without any limit making that person to react really rude or cruel as a result. Some people, be it a family member or a friend or an outsider break one’s boundaries way too much just because that person made them comfortable in doing so, by not standing up for one’s own rights. I did that a lot in my childhood, adolescense and adulthood as well. I always thought about the comfort of my family, their wishes about how I should have lived, just so that they could not have any mental or emotional issue because of me. BUT I realised over time that I made them way too comfortable in interfering in my life. Initially, I used to get triggered badly by such comments from them, but I am glad that I learnt handling the situation, calmly, over time.
Honestly, I am feeling guilty sharing this because it feels like I am bringing my family’s issues here on a platform where people do not need to know about it but on the other hand, I think and feel that it is crucial to share such incidents. I used to be held back, depressed and not myself for years because of such nagging, controlling and biased behaviour of my own family members, and never shared a thought with anyone faking it that everything was perfect whatever was happening and how-so-ever I was being treated.
It does not mean that they don’t love me. They can even die for me if the need arises, to save me, but, the main problem is that they never let me live either. I never feel mentally, emotionally and socially content and safe. I have become really tough and walled because of strong boundaries, but I really feel that just in case, they had gotten some counselling from an outsider professional, they might have had a better mindset and behaviour, that could as a result let them and me live freely without any fight on very menial and personal stuff like make-up, clothing, and being social.
Some people really think that why I don’t move on or try with someone new.. There is a very very deep reason. I actually moved on. I thought that I’ll never think about him ever again. In those times I was just numb to feelings. I became really logical as well as triggered. I was not feeling like myself for months. It’s not that I never tried. But someone doesn’t get out of your mind n soul. It’s not even ego that is making me hold onto him. It’s something, just there, right from the times when I even didn’t know that I had any feeling for him in the first place. It is not going anywhere. What do I do?? A few people try to influence me against it through posts on pages. And seriously, it annoys me to the core.
I had tried to move from the last person (before him) by dating one person who was really good, caring, marriage material. I even got physical with my ex to move on from him. That time also I couldn’t because I was feeling passionately for that one.
But then, whom I love came to my life out of the blue. Honestly, I was keeping a good distance from him. I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. And even he wasn’t interested in making me feel anything like that. But with friendship and affection, I started feeling very close to him. I was constantly denying myself that it was getting deeper because I, somehow knew that I would hurt myself at some point if I would feel anything else that friendship and affection for him. But I was feeling something else.
And when we got physical, even then for a few days I was in denial mode. Seriously, I couldn’t handle how intensely we made those moments. They might not be too much for many others, including him. But it was a lot for me. But still I was denying myself about its depth for a few weeks. I didn’t get what.
But now when I have tried every single fucking thing to move on. I don’t get it what is the problem with people who are just into talking against it. Why can’t you see someone loving someone else truly. Yes, for now, it is in words only. But my words come out from the depths of my soul. It’s too difficult for me to accept my own feelings being highly rational generally, leave alone being expressive about them. If I am being expressive about my feelings, it is something even I still cannot describe in words. It is much more than that.
Now, what do I do?? Try with new people, faking it all, wasting mine and their time?? I think it would be too selfish to do. So, I usually avoid anyone who may have interest in me, because I know that I won’t be interested in them in that sense.
What do I do with what I am feeling in my heart and soul?? I am taking my time. I am not forcing anything. I just want him to feel what I feel, that too, not forcefully, but by being a little expressive. I think that when I am not doing anything out of ego or to get him. I am doing this because things got fucked up last time because I stifled my feelings that time. I waited a lot, even gave up, but it has come up again in me. It really means that it had never gone. I had just become numb to my own feelings, also because I had lost my bua, I was traumatised and could only get triggered and could stay hurt. I was not in touch with my soul, my ego was saving me. Now, I am in balance, and I really want to see it will go where and I am hoping for a beautiful outcome. I am taking my time and putting my energy only where I want to and need to. I really don’t need unsolicited advices, specially those that go against my inner voice.
I don’t know healthy relationship. I have never been in one. That is why I am working on myself, so that I can have a wholesome relationship with someone I truly love. I don’t want anything toxic in between us. I am working on my triggers. A few friends may as well have observed that I have changed my behaviour a lot compared to what it was before. I am not faking it. I am working on it.
My light is too bright for anyone to bring out my dark side and sustain it for long.
Even I don’t know how you’ll deal with me.. I am unfolding those parts of myself that even I didn’t know existed.. I am opening up so much.. It’s like I was always trying to nip in the bud that was meant to bloom.. And honestly, I am loving it.. It’s uneasy as I had never felt like this but this unknown side is feeling blissful.. You never know what may come next as even I don’t know what n how.. I was never like this but I am loving it.. Call it anything but I feel so real n free.. I hope that one day you don’t look back n see what you really missed n lost.. I love my own vibe so much, I wonder how you won’t..