Photography-symbolic

Companionship can be as simple and as beautiful as this picture is..💙

Waiting for the beauty of life. 💞☯️💐

I cannot tell how much I feel the need to know new people, some good and lively energy. The people among whom you can set your own worth standards and they actually meet them; people with whom you can talk freely about anything and everything, and even silence feels very comfortable; people with whom you can roam around freely not having any hard and fast rule about what “kind” of place you like or not; people with whom you can go for meals in your night suit or maybe cook one together; people with whom you don’t feel judged for being completely yourself as weird, strange or awkward; people to whom your history doesn’t matter but those who still consider past and future and do not be fickle by staying only in the “now” or “in the moment”; people who know the meaning of real reciprocity, and do not only brag about what they do for you rather be acknowledging and thankful for what you do for them as well; people who love to learn and are curious to learn to love are my kind of people that I am so eagerly waiting for.

-25th July, 2020

Switched off intuition and confused myself..

I tried to switch off intuition

and now I am all perplexed,

I do feel the things in a certain way

trying to grasp the ‘why’s of everything,

Even while moving through the ruffled waters

I know where I am going

my intuition guides me my lane,

Now when I have switched it off I am feeling so low,

Feeling things, not vibes, in a confused way,

I don’t know what’s going where, like I am driving myself insane.

I think I turned against the nature,

Putting off something that makes the basic me,

That’s why the nature is punishing me,

The need is not to not feel things I am getting this now,

The need is to feel and be guided by my intuition and still be rational somehow.

(First published on 9th Jan, 2020)

Him and I, From a wolf tribe.

A lone wolf is my spirit’s drive,

Embracing my wilderness,

Claiming my authenticity,

Silent, calm and compost and scarcely seething angry,

Working all alone,

I am sure some day I will meet the one,

Honest, righteous and success hungry,

Whose frequency matches with my vibe,

I will meet the one from my own soul tribe.

(First published on 5th March, 2020)

Touching depth..

You put me in a different zone

A different feel..

Something to which I’ll always be unknown

My deepest desires

My deepest fears

My deepest self

Gets touched by you

And your words have the power over me

To cut me, give a wound or heal.

Agony of love.

“Is it my gut feeling

Or am I paranoid??”

My mind asked..

“Whatever it is,

you are just afraid to lose him,

bit by bit,

the fear eating you from the inside,

more and more,

without any cure..”

My heart replied.

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

Mind gripped..

That one tip tracing my every nerve

Pushing me closer to the heaven

Leaving a trail

Making a map,

Of his desire

Over my flushed skin

And ruling my mind

Leaving between us

no gap..

Heart to heart.

I hope you understand me by listening to your inner voice

Like I did for you

Without paying any heed to any outer noise.

Lightened off..

Not knowing

what’s on going

I know life wants me to keep enjoying

Every feeling

Every impulse I gain

Not wanting me to numb down

Needing me to love everything

Like, love, loss and pain

Stigmatic as I could be

About being so psychic

I know nothing like intuition now-a-days

Feeling free from that heavy load

I am stunned with the sensory relief

Though I am feeling everything

I am unburdened of intuitive grief.

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