Old results’ analysis..

This is what happens when you don’t have a single book or any study material for a couple of your exams. 😢😭

PS- If you write a very good 15 marks answer about a political party (INC) in India which is not in rule or is not the favourite one of the examiner, you may get very bad marks in that paper. I genuinely felt so in that PPI (Political parties and electoral politics in India) paper because my paper was pretty well-written and the marks given were shocking to me to a good extent.

Righteous anger.

When my goodness is not acknowledged

Rather toxicity is made to look like it won

My anger explodes in ways

I am not very proud of

And which can make an onlooker shun.

WHERE ARE THE BOUNDARIES??

COPYRIGHTS RESERVED BY PREET

When I wanted to get clicked wearing this set of clothes, I could see a huge disappointment and panic on my bua (paternal aunt’s) face. I guided her how to to click this picture (the exact place where she had to keep the mobile in hand) and just tap on the button. She was hugely annoyed to even look at me, spare clicking the picture. I asked her “what happened” although I was known to the answer already. She said “from where have you learnt wearing these clothes and clicking these pictures??” to which I replied that these days many people wear them. There’s nothing wrong in them. They are casual clothes. She went a step further and said, “nobody cultured wear this. Only sex workers/sluts wear this, that too, not from India, negros wear this.”

If I was dealing with her 3-4 years ago and listened to these words, I would have left the house (saying this very seriously as I had tried once in 4 years ago), but now, having her as a responsibility to me, I cannot do that or even think about that. Instead, I said, “You are very backward, biased and narrow-minded. Look around you, and see how much the world has progressed from this backward mentality” and then carried on with sharing the picture on instagram. After that, she was like “you are ruining your dead father’s name. You do this kind of stuff. (Mare hoye peu da naam khraab kri ja ese kamm kar kar ke)” I think this was quite a big another trigger for me usually, but I am glad that I still kept my cool and told her “nothing like that happens. You are over-reacting for no reason and anyways, he’d tell me in my dream if he’d be disappointed. And I am an adult, you have no right to question what I wear and what I share anywhere.” Seriously, she was still looking at me like I did some crime, although she had been saying utter bullshit all the while. She went onto saying “I never prohibited you from wearing anything or meeting anyone.” Well, that was quite a LIE. She always panics whenever I go onto meeting any person. She even used to panic when I met a female friend, meeting a male friend or going on a date was like making her understand the whole idea of the meeting, details in advance and repeatedly telling her “it’s just a meeting. You must be thinking I am going to have sex.” because it was always about my father’s reputation according to her; and honestly, it was never that she let me wear anything I wanted, it was always a hell lot of drama from her side about my clothes (uptil my good age of 24 years she even had a problem with me using any kind of make-up). Soooo, again, I kept my cool and told her “see, you just made a big issue out of my clothes right now and you never let me meet anyone peacefully ever, you always did fight about that. Just accept that you are socially backward, not cultured or traditional and stop thinking that I won’t do what I want to do.”

The point: Sometimes what you see is not true. The one who seems rude has become so when that person had no other option left and the one who seems to be very protective and caring is just an immature energy vampire who sucks on the mind and energy of that ‘rude one’ without any limit making that person to react really rude or cruel as a result. Some people, be it a family member or a friend or an outsider break one’s boundaries way too much just because that person made them comfortable in doing so, by not standing up for one’s own rights. I did that a lot in my childhood, adolescense and adulthood as well. I always thought about the comfort of my family, their wishes about how I should have lived, just so that they could not have any mental or emotional issue because of me. BUT I realised over time that I made them way too comfortable in interfering in my life. Initially, I used to get triggered badly by such comments from them, but I am glad that I learnt handling the situation, calmly, over time.

Honestly, I am feeling guilty sharing this because it feels like I am bringing my family’s issues here on a platform where people do not need to know about it but on the other hand, I think and feel that it is crucial to share such incidents. I used to be held back, depressed and not myself for years because of such nagging, controlling and biased behaviour of my own family members, and never shared a thought with anyone faking it that everything was perfect whatever was happening and how-so-ever I was being treated.

It does not mean that they don’t love me. They can even die for me if the need arises, to save me, but, the main problem is that they never let me live either. I never feel mentally, emotionally and socially content and safe. I have become really tough and walled because of strong boundaries, but I really feel that just in case, they had gotten some counselling from an outsider professional, they might have had a better mindset and behaviour, that could as a result let them and me live freely without any fight on very menial and personal stuff like make-up, clothing, and being social.

Quotes (for you)..

21 things you probably couldn’t know from my ex.

Things my ex might have never told you:

1. I parallel park the car well.

2. He was not sapiosexual. He actually once said that he did not want this much intelligent girl like me for marriage.

3. I am quite spontaneous when it comes to dates. Wherever you want to go, I am ready to go there even in the middle of a cozy date.

4. I stay anxious for the first 5-10 minutes no matter how many times I have met you or how much comfortable I am with you.

5. I never told him ‘I love you’ in real, or say, face to face. [I have actually never said these words to any single person in real. Just couldn’t.]

6. Non-consensual foreplay doesn’t mean sex. Yup, I never did it. Doing only this much n this way was his definition of sex, not mine, it’s not even considered so generally. And yes, I didn’t even want to do that n he knew it. It was a mistake n there were deeper emotional reasons behind it related to someone else. I was not in love with my ex. I had moved on long before that.

7. I pay equally on dates.

8. I love to give gifts on special occasions.

9. I am too good at pampering my partner. (Sadly, which never got reciprocated).

10. I am a really (and I mean REALLY) good kisser.

11. His friends liked me. My friends never liked him.

12. He used to get more nervous than me while meeting me.

13. He could barely look into my eyes, seriously, never more than 2 seconds. I could see deception in his eyes easily sometimes. AND it was hella irritating to me when he couldn’t talk by maintaining eye contact for even a few seconds. It always hampered communication between us as I cannot talk without looking into someone’s eyes.

14. He was never loving or affectionate towards me. It was only one sided.

15. I tried to make him feel accountable for his wrongs n fought more than I did with anyone else.

16. He wanted to have sex with me, so that I could not be with someone, I fell in love with, after him. He knew about it. I had told him clearly about it. He just wanted to stay as the only one in my life even after treating me like the most worthless person of his life.

17. There was no love for him from my side after I told him that I had moved on (about 4 years ago).

18. We started off being good friends. And he ditched me even as a friend in the first 3 months of friendship only.

19. I am intimidating as fuck in real when I confront someone.

20. He had a lot of inferiority complexes soothing which I downplayed myself a lot and ended up boosting his ego a lot. He always underestimated my capabilities, I over-estimated many of his.

21. He was lowkey proud that I loved him and still made me feel worthless. PSYCHOPATH.

The point of sharing this is that if somebody’s ex tells you shit, you should confirm all that from that person unhesitantly. Why do you think that somebody becomes an Ex if they know someone really well n never lied??

Blasting out.

Faking happiness to make others jealous??

Naah..

Who needs to do that when they can burn with the truth??

Toxic feminism.

Bravo to the toxic feminism and toxic feminists !

You are bound to be praising them all the time,

Not critizing a degree of any sick behaviour,

Even if you stand for your valid rights,

Speaking and showing up

For what you think

And what you want,

You are their enemy, women hater, you can’t raise your voice,

Nope ! You can’t !

Right when it hits the nerves of one,

It’s bound to make each one of their stomach churn

With ego and rage

Off to be shown on stage,

“We the women power

Out of men’s atrocities

Still bound in the biased mental cage.

We won’t let a woman talking out of the group,

Will try to shun her voice,

And show our toxic mentality

At the slightest hint of out-group activity on or off stage.”

Sun loves black.

My ancestors were abandoned

While you were in mirth,

You took us like slaves

Right from the birth,

We couldn’t grasp the reason as to why

We are always looked down upon by every eye,

We shine in the strength-physical, mental, emotional but done

when it comes to social, we are the matter of fun,

You jeopardized us

Many ages witnessed

Just because we make

More melanin under the sun??