Story behind and bodily sensations during my Heat Urticaria-2022.

Okay, soooo actually I am in no mood to write about my Urticaria blues today. 😂 Nevertheless.. I still am going to write because I told that I would, yesterday.

Let me talk about the reasons first- Lies and deception by someone whom I loved deeply, was the basic reason and the traumatic cause was that I got to know on 28th feb, 2022 that he got married in june,2021. I had no way and no outlet to express how I was feeling. It was to intense to handle and I was feeling extremely hopeless and helpless. I had already expressed all of my feelings for him to him long ago (in 2019) and due to differences, lies, and misunderstandings as well I had blocked him in 2020. But he was the only one whom I loved yet, so it was quite catastrophic for me to know about it and that he tried his best to hide about it from me for months as he didn’t update about his marriage anywhere public from where I could know, although hiding from me specifically could not be his intentions (I am just doubtful about it).

I literally had no way to express how broken hearted I was and it proved to be a complete nervous breakdown for me.

It’s not funny how deceptive someone can be who once told “we are best friends”, “I have a crush on you”, bla bla bla which now feels like BS only (because all lies).

I had no idea whether to cry or be angry or what, so I gulped it all down as it was the reality that whom I trusted so much and for whom I fought with almost every person was such a liar and a deceptive bitch.

So, from the first week of march only my immunity started to deplete and I began to have constant fever. I had no motivation to exercise or eat healthy or go out. I was being depressed and I knew it but still feeling hopeless about getting out of it. It went on for more two weeks and my skin started to feel itchy. It was more on the thighs and sides of the stomach first.

Ugh.. The itching sensation in urticaria is very hard to control. You feel like scratching the hell out of your skin and during that time I had very little control over my impulses, so I ended up scratching my skin drastically. It went on till the end of march and the skin on my thighs and stomach were wounded and scarred, although itching started to subside in those areas. It was kinda relief as I was trying to heal mentally as well or at least get a grip over my impulses. I was actually feeling like committing suicide before that and I had even talked about it to my bua that I had suicidal tendencies and the reason thereof and that I needed a psychologist at that time, but could not find a good one.

Then came the notification of Delhi Judicial Exams (lower judiciary). It was a hope as well as a stress enhancer for me as I got to know about the notification just two days before the closing date of forms submission and I didn’t even have 1 full month to prepare for it.

Now, I had fever on a daily basis which I thought was because of some infection. The worst thing I did was that I didn’t go and see a doctor. I gulped down a Paracetamol on a daily basis and kept on preparing for my exam like a robot, literally like a robot, as I didn’t want to feel my trauma. I had gotten my purpose to keep going but I had suppressed anger, frustration, and pain. Now, add to it anxiety and stress of the exam. Nevertheless, I kept studying for about 14-18 hours a day but in the second week of april, I started to have itchiness over my collarbone area, face, neck, back of the neck, and inner forearm. I thought that it would go away in about a week but it started getting intense and worse day by day.

Heat urticaria does not only give an itching sensation; It gives alongwith it burning sensation over the whole area like the whole red patch is wounded and it’s quite hotter than the temperature on the unaffected surface of the same part. Moreover, a sensation of pins being shoved inside your skin is constant. One cannot even sleep with that sensation. Think someone is poking several pins at different places on your skin contantly after a few seconds and that sensation doesn’t go away no matter what you do and out of a sudden you are feeling like scratching your skin. I literally felt like cutting off my left forearm or collarbone area’s skin.

I didn’t know what problem I had. I didn’t know the exact name. I was literally burning in hell from the inside and it wasn’t even showing from the outside to any outsider, until my eyes started to sink and my face also started to have rough patches of urticaria over my forehead, eyelids, under the brows, cheeks, and philtrum, although they were not deep, red, or having any warts. Face was itchy and dry.

I had constant headache alongwith constant fever and those urticaria prone sensations on the skin.

Then I decided to go to delhi 1 week before exam but couldn’t, yet reached there 5 days before it and the place where I was staying was calm and soothing to my senses. But there I got infection🙂 due to poor contaminated quality of water of delhi although it was 24×7 RO purified, still ordering food from restaurants might have caused infection.

I would like to add in this blog why I failed in the exam. My mental and physical health I have already described (throughout the preparation stage). Still I managed to read all the bare-acts cover to cover, 5 questionaire banks-each question attempted, a few tests online, legal gk book, 4 main textbooks- I mean about 20 books in a span of 25-26 days. The worst thing I did to myself was that I studied for about 17 hours a day before exam despite having fever and infection. Then, I thought I would sleep at about 2 am, get up at 7 am and would be able to reach the exam venue by 9 am. AND guess what?? I could not sleep at 2 am🙂 Even after trying my best to calm down, I could sleep at about 5:30 am only n got forced to get up at 7 am by my bua (paternal aunt) because if I didn’t then I could not reach the venue on time. But I was totally spent and literally had no energy to get up. Gathered some mental strength from the fact that I worked so hard for this, although I had no strength to move. Add to this, when I was getting ready I hit my foot on the rough edgy underside of bed and it started bleeding and I had no cotton ball 🙂 by this time I was literally like “NEVERMIND 🙂 I know I am going to fail in this but I am going anyway.” Forgot to take paracetamol and anti-biotic as well. Had some grapes and water and proceeded to the venue. Guess what?? They didn’t let me carry my water bottle inside because it was made of metal and it was written MILTON on it. I am sure I would have gotten many answers in a judiciary exam from the word milton (of course, a sarcasm). Then, they didn’t even have water provided on the third floor where my room was. I had to go down the stairs to the first floor again just to drink water. I was thirsty AFFFFF!!!!! The invigilator was so ignorant that she told me to go to the 1st floor for water although she could arrange it for me and actually there was a water cooler at the third floor itself (a sweeper on the 1st floor told me that it was there on the 3rd floor as well). At this point, I was telling god “YOU SERIOUS HATE ME! DON’T YOU??” Now, by this time every iota of energy from my body was spent and I was feeling heavy from sleeplessness as well. Questions in the exam were exactly what I read in those question banks (about 60%) but by this time I had forgotten everything. I mean I had forgotten all the informative and specific knowledge and I could attempt only those questions correctly in which I had to ‘decide’ according to given facts as those questions didn’t involve pressurizing my mind ‘to remember forgotten specifications’. How does all the hard-work goes in vain, one may learn from my life. 😐

Okay, then next, I had another judiciary exam exactly after 11 days aaaaand I had no motivation to study for it, although I did as much as I could but I knew it was not enough, so I didn’t take that exam although I was in gurugram for that exam only. It was by now the first week of may and the stay at gurugram kinda started healing me. It was a peaceful place, although their AirBNB apartment’s AC didn’t work for 1 day but they managed to repair its machine. (Why am I giving these details?? 🙄) I am giving these details because it was quite necessary for my heat urticaria to be in a room with low temperature on AC all the time. I had not studied 1 bulky act and 1 other act of the syllabus of that exam and I had no energy and motivation left in me to go for it, so I decided not to attempt it and saved my 1 attempt of the limited ones.

Now, in may, june and july, those skin sensations and fever were still there, although head stopped from aching and face’s itchiness and dryness had reduced little bit.

For face, I tried that mint oil+coconut oil+vitamin E mixture at home and calamine lotion whenever I went outside. Urticaria’s most drastic effect was on my lips which were deeply cut and wounded that I could not apply any lipstick/lipbalm etc. on them. Actually, nothing worked for lips else than inner healing AND applying coconut oil and beetroot powder mixture and then putting on the mask. The warmth caused by mask was helping in softening lips’ skin. Neck and collar-bone area and left forearm stayed the same till the beginning of august.

After all this, I, incessantly started searching and researching about what actually my ailment was and got to know that it was Heat Urticaria (precisely in the last week of july). Now, I knew exactly what it was and what was its cure in allopathy, ayurveda, homeopathy, and naturopathy. I was reluctant about allopathy because all they do about heat urticaria is giving the patient Antihistamines (anti-allergic) medicine which, I read somewhere, was of least use in urticaria as it just could suppress the symptoms and not do any inner healing. In ayurveda, I researched extensively but was reluctant to have any tablets.

I stopped eating and drinking any hot food including any spicy, fried, caffeinated, carbonated, exothemic, creamy, overly sweet, overly salty, sour, pungent, and fermented food. Specifically took mint chutney (just mint and some salt in it), cucumbers, simple indian flat bread (roti) with Desi Ghee, simply cooked veggies, and fennel seeds water.

Now, I started healing quicker than I thought I could. Within a week those prickly sensations stopped altogether. My body temperature started to cool down within a week. The red patches with high temperature over those areas were still there but were reducing in redness and burning sensations gradually. By the mid of august, my neck and collarbone almost got healed i.e. the warts had healed competely and the scars were barely there. Face got healed completely; my eyes were looking brighter and there was barely any dark circle. Neck also got free from any warts. The only thing that was there was occasional fever which I got rid of completely in september.

After getting healed, I could not believe that there was actually a life without fever. SERIOUSLY!!

So, my Heat Urticaria was a journey of six-seven months i.e. from the start of March, 2022 to the end of September, 2022 because my fever actually healed completely by the end of september and there were no occasional complaints or symptoms of Heat Urticaria after that.

QOTD-To Empaths.

I know you are empathetic and all but that’s the first reason why you should keep a good distance from toxic people. You have the tendency to soak in their bad energy and then you feel anxious about the mixed feelings you carry inside of you.

Realization..

I don’t feel alone, out of sudden..

I get the realisation of being lonely, all out of a sudden..

And the worst part is

I can’t change the situation..

Something wrong??

Do you ever feel that something is wrong ?? You don’t get it what it is but it is.. That gut feeling is there and you can’t explain the anxiety that comes with it.. You feel restless.. You shirk off that inner voice but it doesn’t stop.. And.. You literally can’t explain or point out what’s wrong.. Maybe it’s just gut feeling or something more..

This feeling is really growing stronger n stronger.. Not in a fearful way but kinda eating me up.. I can’t even explain what the hell it is.. despite nothing going wrong about n around me..

Anxiety can be a stuck energy in body. How to tackle with it? (Personal experience)

I want to tell you something about anxiety. Anxiety is stuck in my backbone like it’s my life force and I won’t deny that I have to make movements like a snake or twirk or get patted on my back to shirk off that energy, or I can’t live peacefully for even an hour. Either it acts up in holding me in a loop of doing everything too fast and then in eruption of cranky mood, or I can’t do anything because of it feeling paralysed with over-thinking.

Does anything new happens that creates anxiety?? Yes, sometimes. But sometimes, it’s our old energy stuck inside of us that demands release whereas sometimes, it’s our neural pattern that creates similar anxiety in similar situations we face in the present, and sometimes, it’s our thoughts for the future that invite that energy to the fore because we had suppressed those thoughts about the future in the past and now we have to face them.

So, what can we do about it??

1. MOVE: yeah..Move your body, baby. (😜) any way you can. Play, dance, exercise,etc.

2. WRITE/SPEAK: Write or speak whatever thoughts come to your mind. Just blurt them out. Journal/record audio. After some time, read or listen to them and analyse which thoughts are too repetitive and what are their reasons.

3. GET A MASSAGE: Get a good deep tissue massage to release all that tense energy from your body, so that you don’t have to move like a snake randomly while trying to sleep (😌).

4. HYDRATION/PROPER NUTRITION: Last but not the least, have enough of fluids intake. Eat less sugar and salt. Take your nutrition supplements. Eat balanced diet.

5. RELAX: I just mean DO. NOT. RUSH. about anything. Plan and act on it but do not rush feeling like nothing went right if one out of ten things that you planned to do within a specified time gets a little delayed (One of the main reasons of my anxiety 🙄). Don’t be a control freak even if you want to be the controller of your own life only.

6. LET YOURSELF HEAL: Generally, when you are healing from something (be it anything), anxiety acts up over and over again, no matter how much you have advanced in healing. It’s OK. Nothing is wrong with you, it’s quite normal. Give yourself time, healing is always a long journey, and do try to follow above-mentioned points.

Thank you for reading. ❤🙂

(Not) A Secret..

A deep long kiss

From my love,

Back caress,

This is the only way sometimes

The cure for my anxiety n stress.

Quote-Taking time.

The way I do things slowly n surely

Makes me appreciate my anxiety more sometimes.

Their completely unreasonable behaviour making me feel helpless-Family Frustration.

Do you ever feel completely annoyed and helpless because of your own family?? What if anything if ever you ask them to do is take care of themselves properly?? If one of them is unwell, that one does not allow you, (I mean it, DOES NOT ALLOW YOU) to take care of them, although you know they are unwell because they appear to be so and they themselves tell you that.

They do not change their ways. They will do Completely unnecessary physical work like going to the park at the noon time when it’s quite dry n hot weather, although they may have been going through dehydration. They do not eat properly, nor take nutrition supplements, and say that it’s hard for them to eat as their stomach(digestive system) is not allowing them to eat anything, AND still do not seek medical help from any good doctor. They do not drink water properly. They do not take proper rest staying at home, NOPE, staying at home is a big issue for them, no matter how caring you become or how lovingly you tell them to take proper rest and nutrition.

It is stubborn AF behaviour. They do not consider your life at all. They do not even think once how much stress it gives you, probably to the point of severe depression after which you just become occupied mentally with their well-being only, and cannot do what you need to do about your own life, although they do the dramebaazi all the time that they love you. I don’t think that they love you at all, all they seek is they be considered an unsung hero who lost their life for you, loving you only immensely and never cared about their own health, despite the fact that it’s you who has always been concerned about their health and take care of yourself properly so that they do not have to go through any such mental pressure or depression.

Upon confrontation what they say is “do not care about me”. You think that it is possible that whom you love, you would not care about them or their health?? Can you think how much heaviness you feel mentally because of such ignorant and immature behaviour?? I cannot describe enough how much helpless you can feel in such a situation when they create a whole bunch of problems and mental anxiety and depression in you which would not have happened just in case they would take care of themselves like a Normal Person does because really, they do not even have any physical incurable ailment. It’s all because of their fucking reckless behaviour that they spoil their life and yours as well.

What if they have been specially warned to take care of themselves by an astrologer because their time is not right whole of the year and you are concerned and extra cautious for that as well??

Despite that, they will still give no fuck or change their habits or behaviour even a bit.

Why?? Most probably because they have nothing good to do in life rather than creating a mess out of completely controllable circumstances. Is it too much to ask someone to take care of their health properly or let you take care of it?? I don’t care if you agree to me or not, but it is a form of Mental Cruelty.

Quotes (for you)..

Problem with good emotions.

My problem is that I may tell you that I love you and then would like to stay alone but when I would like to be with you I won’t even say a thing.

Some people cannot handle good emotions at first and I am one of them. It’s because they never or barely got to experience love. So, it feels over-whelming when they get to experience it.