Walled out.

Just in case you miss my anger

Just in case you want to capture my soul,

Try holding fire

Try catching air,

My existence has a protective shield

You insanely want to drill a hole.

LOSER INSECURE BITCH (TJ)

5th feb,22- Some people never grow up. They stalk me, be in their onesie competition, and always think I am stalking them, whereas I literally do not give a shit. Her husband sending me hearts in comments on my blogs n stalking my fb, insta n website till date. And the whole group of dumbfucks still thinking that whatever I write or do is about AT. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?? GET A LIFE !!

24th march, 21-I literally never called her a BITCH before this, but it’s true that she is a Goddamned INSECURE BITCH who keeps on competing with me sneakily as well as openly just because her BoyFriend doesn’t like her that much and keeps on coming towards me from time to time.

“BITCH, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT TO YOU and I didn’t get close to him TO SAVE YOUR UNWORTHY RELATIONSHIP. If you two are really about to get married that you said last year’s feb, why are you so fucking insecure about yourself and your relationship that you always have to keep an eye over what I do, and then Compare just to have some ATTENTION??

Have some self-respect ! Either leave him completely, so that he can go to whom he actually wants, OR STOP YOUR LOW STANDARD INSECURE SHIT.

I have seen very few LOSERS LIKE YOU, saying this very disrespectfully, who keeps one man in loop in a committed relationship, flirts with another one by being sympathy-seeker, and tries to get praise and attention from other in whom someone (I) got interested, being highly envious of me.

Stop keeping an eye on and trying to get validation from everyone who is related to me just because you are AN INSECURE BITCH !!”

Righteous anger.

When my goodness is not acknowledged

Rather toxicity is made to look like it won

My anger explodes in ways

I am not very proud of

And which can make an onlooker shun.

Haters are always unreasonable.

You get on nerves of your haters even if you talk about love. They are energy vampires. They just want to suck the life out of you.
They bullshit on everything you think out loud or do.
They cannot see you being you.
They have no reason for hating you.
They just do.

😛😂

My man be dying to meet me until he knows I be already planning to kill him upon meeting.

Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

All the very best.

You put too less of efforts to even catch my attention,

All the best for trying to be a part of my life,

And hats off to you for thinking you will get me

while just being dependent on loyalty displayed by me.

Never a misunderstanding.

Some unfaithful and cheating men/women be like “you/they don’t understand me.”

“We, the stable minded people, do understand you Baby Girl/Baby Boy. We understand what you are doing. We understand that you do not have the maturity in you. We understand that you do not have good self-control and we do understand that you are just trying to play with other people’s minds and emotions dependent upon your own fickle-mindedness and selfishness. Believe me, we do understand you really well.”

HARD LESSON.

I have learnt one thing in life,

The real victim will always be dying for the truth to come out,

The culprits will always have a group to hide it behind.

Truth of a nasty mastermind

One can feel like a mastermind,

Trying every whim with every sullen desire,

Inaugurating chaos and sliding through it like a snake,

Escaping every sight but keeping prying eyes on every person around,

Who believes a lot in make,

Trying to be a leader, showing facundity hiding ruthlessness,

A raising voice howsoever slight can he try to always suppress;

The mischief committed,

The people harmed,

The hearts broken,

The minds disturbed,

In his falsity he never did falter,

Trying to look like a saviour,

He proved to be my and many others’ halter.

“Shed your filthy facade damn it”

Even if I shout, cry n show angst,

He will say that I am just throwing a fit;

People like this have many accomplices around,

to which someone mentally weak feels bound;

But here I am and the universe with me,

How much more can he make me lonely?

To a loner who stays with the universe in touch,

That filthy mastermind can’t cause harm much,

No matter how much a sick person keeps it curtailed,

Universe has its own way for the truth to be unfurled.