Amongst all the things keeping aside as to why..
Let’s live in love,
and in love let’s die.
(Originally posted on 26th oct, 2021)
When your heart shatters into a zillion pieces,
When it still doesn’t make any noise to the outside world,
When you can’t hear your own screams,
When you silently own every single broken piece in your existence’s hold,
Know that there will be someone who will make it easy for you;
Someone will make easy the love for you,
The love you give and their love for you,
Someone will make the life easy for you,
The way you want to live it,
doing the things you love to do,
Someone will make it easy for you to smile,
The real unfiltered blooming out of innate happiness they give to you,
And until you meet that special someone
Cherish everything that you are
Find depth in your hollowed heart
Find solace in your solitude
Find heights increasing in your strength
For living alone this way is truly an art.
(First published on 17th jan, 2021 on my other website http://www.yourchoicestlifestyle.com )
My man somewhere thinking nobody loves him,
whereas day n night I am dreaming about him.
(Written on 21st may,2021)
I lose interest out of nowhere
And it’s not that I don’t care,
I just have too many resposibilities to take
I have got very little time and soul to spare,
Love filled affection I lack today
That is something I really can’t fake.
Some people really think that why I don’t move on or try with someone new.. There is a very very deep reason. I actually moved on. I thought that I’ll never think about him ever again. In those times I was just numb to feelings. I became really logical as well as triggered. I was not feeling like myself for months. It’s not that I never tried. But someone doesn’t get out of your mind n soul. It’s not even ego that is making me hold onto him. It’s something, just there, right from the times when I even didn’t know that I had any feeling for him in the first place. It is not going anywhere. What do I do?? A few people try to influence me against it through posts on pages. And seriously, it annoys me to the core.
I had tried to move from the last person (before him) by dating one person who was really good, caring, marriage material. I even got physical with my ex to move on from him. That time also I couldn’t because I was feeling passionately for that one.
But then, whom I love came to my life out of the blue. Honestly, I was keeping a good distance from him. I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. And even he wasn’t interested in making me feel anything like that. But with friendship and affection, I started feeling very close to him. I was constantly denying myself that it was getting deeper because I, somehow knew that I would hurt myself at some point if I would feel anything else that friendship and affection for him. But I was feeling something else.
And when we got physical, even then for a few days I was in denial mode. Seriously, I couldn’t handle how intensely we made those moments. They might not be too much for many others, including him. But it was a lot for me. But still I was denying myself about its depth for a few weeks. I didn’t get what.
But now when I have tried every single fucking thing to move on. I don’t get it what is the problem with people who are just into talking against it. Why can’t you see someone loving someone else truly. Yes, for now, it is in words only. But my words come out from the depths of my soul. It’s too difficult for me to accept my own feelings being highly rational generally, leave alone being expressive about them. If I am being expressive about my feelings, it is something even I still cannot describe in words. It is much more than that.
Now, what do I do?? Try with new people, faking it all, wasting mine and their time?? I think it would be too selfish to do. So, I usually avoid anyone who may have interest in me, because I know that I won’t be interested in them in that sense.
What do I do with what I am feeling in my heart and soul?? I am taking my time. I am not forcing anything. I just want him to feel what I feel, that too, not forcefully, but by being a little expressive. I think that when I am not doing anything out of ego or to get him. I am doing this because things got fucked up last time because I stifled my feelings that time. I waited a lot, even gave up, but it has come up again in me. It really means that it had never gone. I had just become numb to my own feelings, also because I had lost my bua, I was traumatised and could only get triggered and could stay hurt. I was not in touch with my soul, my ego was saving me. Now, I am in balance, and I really want to see it will go where and I am hoping for a beautiful outcome. I am taking my time and putting my energy only where I want to and need to. I really don’t need unsolicited advices, specially those that go against my inner voice.
I don’t know healthy relationship. I have never been in one. That is why I am working on myself, so that I can have a wholesome relationship with someone I truly love. I don’t want anything toxic in between us. I am working on my triggers. A few friends may as well have observed that I have changed my behaviour a lot compared to what it was before. I am not faking it. I am working on it.
One thing I never do is to say it out loud that “I am the one you need” to any of my partners (past, present or prospective). I leave it on the other person to realize it or miss out on it. There is a lot of projection and manipulation in this phrase. Usually, the needy one tries to make the other feel needy of them and saying it quite loud is manipulative because then the other person really gets confused and somewhat begins to think the same way when this sentence is repeated too many times. It’s manipulative to say the least because it feels suffocating to be called what you are not (needy here) and being forced to be attached when you are not that attached. It’s a way to unnerve the other person or to try to make them look weak to themselves and to try to be a fake strength or help for them. You can understand by now that it’s a way of over-exaggeration of one’s importance in another’s life to hide one’s own weakness and neediness.
“If you don’t feel that way about anyone certainly, do not let them say this to you. Make it quite clear to them that you are not the needy one; maybe they are. And if you too are the needy one, then that’s a different thing. But still, if you don’t keep on saying this to them, then they also shouldn’t. Be very clear to others where and how you are needy, and where and how they are projecting their neediness on you. “
Kissing your partner before going to work enhances your mood and capability of working for the day.
Can’t wait for those days..
Before work kiss..
After work kiss..
Good night kiss..
And many more in between.. 😍
With the same person..😜
Things my ex might have never told you:
1. I parallel park the car well.
2. He was not sapiosexual. He actually once said that he did not want this much intelligent girl like me for marriage.
3. I am quite spontaneous when it comes to dates. Wherever you want to go, I am ready to go there even in the middle of a cozy date.
4. I stay anxious for the first 5-10 minutes no matter how many times I have met you or how much comfortable I am with you.
5. I never told him ‘I love you’ in real, or say, face to face. [I have actually never said these words to any single person in real. Just couldn’t.]
6. Non-consensual foreplay doesn’t mean sex. Yup, I never did it. Doing only this much n this way was his definition of sex, not mine, it’s not even considered so generally. And yes, I didn’t even want to do that n he knew it. It was a mistake n there were deeper emotional reasons behind it related to someone else. I was not in love with my ex. I had moved on long before that.
7. I pay equally on dates.
8. I love to give gifts on special occasions.
9. I am too good at pampering my partner. (Sadly, which never got reciprocated).
10. I am a really (and I mean REALLY) good kisser.
11. His friends liked me. My friends never liked him.
12. He used to get more nervous than me while meeting me.
13. He could barely look into my eyes, seriously, never more than 2 seconds. I could see deception in his eyes easily sometimes. AND it was hella irritating to me when he couldn’t talk by maintaining eye contact for even a few seconds. It always hampered communication between us as I cannot talk without looking into someone’s eyes.
14. He was never loving or affectionate towards me. It was only one sided.
15. I tried to make him feel accountable for his wrongs n fought more than I did with anyone else.
16. He wanted to have sex with me, so that I could not be with someone, I fell in love with, after him. He knew about it. I had told him clearly about it. He just wanted to stay as the only one in my life even after treating me like the most worthless person of his life.
17. There was no love for him from my side after I told him that I had moved on (about 4 years ago).
18. We started off being good friends. And he ditched me even as a friend in the first 3 months of friendship only.
19. I am intimidating as fuck in real when I confront someone.
20. He had a lot of inferiority complexes soothing which I downplayed myself a lot and ended up boosting his ego a lot. He always underestimated my capabilities, I over-estimated many of his.
21. He was lowkey proud that I loved him and still made me feel worthless. PSYCHOPATH.
The point of sharing this is that if somebody’s ex tells you shit, you should confirm all that from that person unhesitantly. Why do you think that somebody becomes an Ex if they know someone really well n never lied??
Love never brings fear with it,
Only those who are really loved know it.
I have seen your five hundred shades of fuckedupness,
But I am sure you have five thousand more,
I’d love to seize the opportunity to know,
Not just for the sake of knowing
But for removing anything about you
From my mind that’s obscure;
Believe me, I don’t want to take your burdens,
I have many of my own,
I just want to uncage you
From the bounds of your own mind,
I want to bury the seeds of love,
Water them with care
So that we can reap the eternal love that is sown.