Is it a Loner’s Syndrome?

Why do I find it so difficult to be happy. I struggle not because something is wrong, I struggle because I am afraid to be happy because whenever my hopes rise, I fall down again so badly, be it in any sphere of my life. Even if I feel everything is getting better, I begin to feel anxious, being uncertain about the outcome is some other level in that. Everything that has to happen will unfold in its own way, that’s the universal flow but I am always confused whether to go with it or not. Things are falling at the right place but my fear or anticipation of something wrong to happen eats me up. Why can’t I live normally. Watching my love, family and friends happy brings me so much of joy. Also, whenever I am on my own I am so much at peace. It’s only when I think about being dependent on somebody for my happiness is when this fear arrives, I feel like they will leave and that happiness will vanish soon. Also, I feel guilty of being happy, I don’t know why. Sometimes, I feel like I manifest my own unhappiness in relation to others, though I really want to be completely in connection with someone. “What can I do to get out of this ‘loner’s syndrome’? the term I have just thought of..” “Why is it that I am at my mental best when I am at my emotional worst and at my mental worst when I am at my emotional best??” Seems like I am my own enemy.

WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE CONTROLLING?

CONTROL ISSUES.. Something most of the people don’t understand in the real sense. You may think that somebody is trying to control you, physically or psychologically, but in reality the people trying to have a control over others have no control over their own life.

Always observe who is trying to control his/her own behaviour and who is trying to control that of others. Reasons can range from very innocent to malignant in the mind of that person(s) and it is highly likely that they don’t have any idea why they have such issues. Most probably they feel lost in their own world and feel like everything is falling apart, so they try to settle everything and everyone around them, apart from their own self. It might also become a kind of addiction of being ‘a helper’ because subconsciously they need to divert their mind from their own world, family, friends, love, career etc. There is indeed something really misplaced in their life, that’s why they think that they are doing the right thing by fixing others. People with least self-control or least control over their own life have a tendency to control others and situations related to others the most.

I am saying this out of my own experience and as an observer. I had this kind of addiction for a few years which ended about 4-5 years ago. And now I have observed the same in a few people.

So, what you can do when you observe ‘a fixer’ in your life??

1. ASK THEM QUESTIONS-Ask them if they themselves are okay? We project our inner world on the outside world and if somebody is finding a problem in us, it most probably is a problem they could not find out in themselves. Eg. (A) “I think you are in pain.” “No, I am not.” Here the first one himself/herself might be in psychological pain. (B) “Nobody understands you.” “I don’t even care.” Here, the first one feels like nobody understands them. Ask them questions or reply very subtly but directly and in a non-attacking form. Only ‘are you okay?’ can be sufficient sometimes but not always. Others can be “I am finding this in you actually. Is it true?” But do it (ask) only if you have ample time to listen to the answers because insufficient attention or interest taken may make them feel like either you are doing them a favour or are just trying to use them to pass your time.

2. CHOOSE UNDERSTANDING– If they are unwilling to tell you anything, then understand that they either don’t trust you with their delicate information or they simply don’t want to touch upon a subject. Do not push things further even in the other direction like trying to act like everything is fine on their side just because they have not told you anything. Here, just saying “I am all ears to listen to your story if you want to tell anything anytime” can also work pretty fine but say “anytime” only if you can be available to them like that, otherwise describe a specific time like “I am free at ____am/pm, just in case you want to talk” or anything like that will work.

3. READ THE CUES BUT DON’T OVERLY ANALYZE THEM- You might be surprised to know that sometimes we begin to over-analyze everything way too much. The one who seems to be controlling us or a situation in our life is actually trying to learn what would work for him/her in such a situation. The solution finders are learners and vice-versa. But if they seem to interfere a lot directly or indirectly, you can straight up tell them about it, but do it politely. Mostly we become so afraid of being controlled that we tend to be over-critical of others who even try to help us because we think that we don’t need help and end up controlling them rather. That’s why you need to be aware of the ones trying to control others, it might be possible that they themselves are afraid of being controlled. The helper needs help. But remember that primarily you have to take their words at their face value because you cannot press upon them to reveal anything. Respect privacy.

I could not think of other measures at the moment. Suggestions will be most welcome. THANKS. 🙂

TRANSFORMATION PHASE IS THE REAL PAIN BUT SO WORTH IT !

Going through all the pain I have earned only self-respect and learned only gratitude. The pain that I can’t even explain, just tears start flowing through my eyes any time, like literally I have not cried this much in my entire life like I did this year. Something in me has finished so badly but I know something very good has begun to grow. I have gone through tranformation phases many times in my life but this one is one of its kind. My body shakes a lot like I can literally sense my old energy leaving my body. That stuck energy that used to tolerate a lot of shit. That energy had the sense of inadequacy all the time despite achieving many things. That ‘Not Good Enough’ energy. That energy that had traumas of many family members’ death, family abandonment, many physical ailments, loss of relationships and friendships, depression of more than two decades. That energy that used to feel that I deserved whatever I was going through. The energy of complete worthlessness of good things in life.

I had such a great fear of losing people that I could put up with any kind of behaviour, any kind of manipulation, narcissism, that despite knowing the truth I was always apologetic just because I did not want to lose someone. The problem was that nobody taught me how to love myself, I was the unwanted child who was always conditionally loved.

But now, I am letting go of all that energy. I am letting go of all the people that ever made me feel like I had to put up with their any kind of shit just for the sake of keeping a relationship or a friendship. I know my worth. I know what I am, what I want to be, and what kind of people I deserve in my life and to get all that I will always use my ways, be it silence, be it pure love or be it arrogance or cruelty. RIP to all the dead relationships and friendships. There is not a single person on this earth that can make me into anything, shake me or break me. I am thriving on my Karma !! And I am so so grateful to the universe for all those experiences; because of them I have gained this much Strength and am transforming into a Someone New.

WHY THE GOOD ONES ALWAYS LEAVE

Now I understand why the good ones always leave.

Because their efforts are never matched; if ever they do, it’s scarce.

Because they put so much of good intentions for the other that they feel the void of having left with no energy for themselves.

Because they put up with so many discriminatory situations of which the other person wouldn’t put up with even the half.

Because they get so frustrated of ignorance and abandonment that they start doubting their own existence or worth.

Because they get so tired of giving that they are left with nothing to give anymore.

So, in the end, they leave, completely exhausted.

How people see an intuitive person and what the reality is.

I am intuitive.” What does it mean when anybody says that they are intuitive? Many people assume that if somebody is intuitive naturally or psychic (though psychic is a different topic), then he/she must be knowing everything that is going on. No ! That’s far from the truth.

Strong intuition does not mean a movie playing in the back of one’s mind. If one says that it happens like this, then it probably is delusion. Strong intuition actually works like a Needle Poking in One’s Gut or A Thunder Hitting One’s Mind, that too very randomly. Most of the times, say 80-90% of the times, that person has no idea what’s going on around him/her, unless he/she is an empath also; because empaths can catch vibes pretty easily.

The moment somebody says that he/she is intuitive, some people (mostly the sensory types from the Myers-briggs personality typology) begin to test that person if he/she can get what they are doing. Here, I want to clear again that an intuitive person really doesn’t know what other people are doing unless those people have that person’s attention all the time or that one is in connection with oneself for a very long period of time or is connected to the universe intensely and deeply.

Those testing people give the intuitive person both good and bad vibes to see his/her reaction but they do not get that one can choose to react or not to react even though that person has got to know about something. Sometimes, when that person chooses not to react, then they give subtle hints by using words’ terminology or gestures that they normally use and about which that person is generally well-acquainted with. They do it for reasons known to themselves only but it has nothing to do with their “connection” with that intuitive person because in reality they make it very obvious for that person to know who is doing what, and which any normal person can acknowledge with some general observational skills. Whereas, some people test that person by hiding their behaviour in the best possible ways they can, which involves using fake accounts, taking help of other people, fake phone calls, to name a few. Reasons for that kind of behaviour can be both-good or/and bad, which depends from person to person. But it happens. And, there is nothing good or playful or funny or helpful in doing that because it wastes a lot of energy and causes hell lot of anxiety, stress and frustration to the intuitive type (saying this from my personal experience). Thus, people should learn how to behave and where to draw the line, even good intentions can end up in bad results.

Thanks.

Old dilemma

Sometimes, you don’t get how to treat people. Those who leave you hurting, don’t really deserve to come back to you when you are healing or healed. But what to do when you can’t hurt them the same way? Allow them to stab at the wound again or test your tolerance or patience. Or leave them n mind your own business?
People generally know what they have done, they are either stupid or over-smart not to admit it or they grow mature enough to make it right but you can’t tell which way it’s going to be unless you put your peace of mind at stake again. You have to decide if you have that much tolerance level to let it be brought up again or put it to an end.

DEEP FEAR TEACHING ME SOMETHING.

“She will do anything to get you, I will do anything to see you happy” I say this to you in my mind a lot. An old wound inside of me has opened up so badly, I am feeling like being stabbed on it over and over again.

History is repeating itself. Somebody trying to snatch my love by hook or by crook and taking him away from me; me yelling, crying, and even dying. I, once knew mad love for which I tried to finish myself. I can’t even explain the feeling. It’s so intense. Though I can’t say you are mine, still I am more afraid than ever to lose you.

Why is it happening to me, daily I ask myself. What is life trying to teach me? I can’t talk about it to anyone, I really can’t explain and nobody can even understand and I don’t even want anyone to understand anything about me. I just want to know the why. Why the similar things are happening? Why a third person of similar nature has entered who can do almost anything to get you, and my trauma is attacking me from all the sides that that person will make you cut your all the ties with me in the future. It’s not my intuition, it’s actually my traumatic experience making me feel so afraid.

I feel perplexed a lot, still, I keep going with a smile on my face. I know I am a broken soul. But one thing is for sure, I’ll stand my ground no matter what; I’ll protect my self-respect no matter what; and I’ll choose letting go if I have to, no matter how hard it will be for me; and I’ll never try to get you no matter how much pain I’ll have to bear.

If I know my weakness, I know my strength too and this is what, I think, life is trying to teach me, that how I have to put back my pieces together alone, how to love selflessly, how to stay honest to myself, how to overcome my fears and how to heal my past traumas. I can’t show but I know.

For me, what silence is.

Silence for me is more than peace. It is my life force. I have stayed silent for more than 98% of my life. Whenever I talk to anyone, be it any person howsoever close or howsoever good, my anxiety kicks in. It might have something to do with the past or maybe I am born this way to live like this only. I might have a storm going on inside me while staying quiet, but it still feels better than talking. I know when I talk or share my information with anyone I am not at peace with myself except a very few people with whom when I talk my vibes match so well. And, there is rarely anyone with whom I like to talk day and night.

I really don’t have perfect words to describe how I feel when I am silent. It’s like I feel very authentic when I embrace silence. I know myself the best just like everybody knows himself/herself but it is something more than that, I feel connected with the Universe or God or whatever name The Creator can be given, when I am too quiet. I can bear and have borne the deepest of my pains in silence and when I feel a little fine with talking to anyone but am still in pain or healing, my anxiety peaks. One of the reasons for this is that people feel like they know me more than I know myself or that they can apply general behavioural principles on me, but they fail to realize that I have gone through so much and have figured out so many possible solutions on my own by now that whenever any problem arises, I know what I have to do. It’s that I don’t like to take help, my silence helps me the most, when I draw into myself and ask for help from the universe. Yes, anxiety still persists, but it lessens to a good extent. Pain also persists but I can bear it. And, it’s not that I like or love pain, I just accept it and let it pass through me so that I can finally get rid of it. Wounds heal sometimes as a result, though not always. But I am learning to unlearn the old survival patterns. I am learning to grow. I am learning to be better than ever before. I am still not there but I will be some day. But what I really dislike is when anyone tries to guide me in a particular direction to find a solution of a problem which they percieved in me. No I really don’t need it. Maybe I have not been going through it or maybe I have already found the solution. Guiding me generally is what I welcome but perceiving a problem about me and then guiding me regarding it is something that makes me more anxious. It’s not that I don’t like to connect with others, actually I love to connect but it’s strange that I catch certain vibes so easily. I don’t get to know easily what’s there in somebody’s mind but I certainly catch any (almost all) kind of vibes. I don’t know why am I made like this but silence makes me feel connected with myself more than anything else and ultimately with some others too.

Untitled something for him.

I can let him go

if that will make him happy,

Even from a distance

seeing him happy makes me happy,

Though I feel he is not at his best,

his eyes are narrating a different story,

still trying to figure out life,

I wish with time he taps into all his glory.

The bond that we had I still have I feel,

We might end up breaking apart,

But that bonding that feeling even he can’t steal.

For what I have for him,

I fall short of words every time I try to write,

It’s not what he looks like or what he does,

It’s who he is that feels so right.

It’s not the first time I am writing for him,

I just could not show him my feelings ever,

I thought I didn’t need to

we were best friends,

I could apprehend this distance never.

I am not feeling any void,

I am feeling more whole than ever,

Some influences created the chaos in the journey,

Some people entered, snatching him, they could do it, they are clever,

I will let him go if I have to,

But won’t cheat on our bond ever.

Ego versus self-respect.

When you break somebody’s big ego, he/she will do anything in his/her capability to strengthen it again. No stone will be left unturned. Every fiber of that person’s being will call him/her to retaliate with anything and everything possible. Physical qualities, mental capabilities, charm, social influence, even misery will be displayed. This is the power and reaction of a fragile ego.

But it does not know the strength of self-respect. Self-respect does not compete and one cannot lose what one doesn’t compete for. Self-respect does not break, it is such a little part of one’s personality yet so strong like a diamond that it cannot be broken. Self-respect does not do anything to bring itself back to normal, it doesn’t actually need to because it’s unshakeable, calm and compost. And last but not the least, self-respect is so strong that it can break the biggest and strongest of ego.