Dependency is scary to me..

The people who try to take part in my progress look as scary as the people who want to stunt it. It’s not something irrational, it’s a fear of co-dependency, the place that took my whole life till date to get out of as people tried to make me feel like the dependent one, though they needed me more. Complete indepedence makes me feel worthy of everything I attain, and interference, both negative and positive, makes me feel like I am worthless of the things I achieve or am about to achieve. People really don’t understand this, they think that I have a problem with them whereas the real problem is how they try to manipulate things about and around me as if they want to control me in the name of integrity, unity and what not. No, I really don’t need it. I want to walk on my path alone because I want to feel proud of myself and if there will be anyone else’s hand in that I will never feel that way. People don’t know their boundaries. Even when I make those boundaries very clear, they try to poke through it. Even when I make it very clear that I don’t want ‘somebody’ specific in my life, they don’t get it. Probably they have dealt with people with weak boundaries in their life or probably they had met me or known me in my those times when I did not have strong boundaries and now they are unable to deal with a person with strong boundaries in a right way. Whatever it is, it feels so sick on their part that despite making a point very clear for ‘n’ number of times, people just want to make me feel like the weak one, the dependent one.

THEIR DEMONS THEY SEE IN ME

I try to be a better person for someone else,

Who tries to do that for me??

I try to understand everyone

They leave me repenting for it later rendering themselves accountability free,

I push harder to move forward,

They want to pull me back to the old weaker me,

I feel so thankful for anything done for me,

They think that I owe them the world ditching my own desire and me,

I try to calm every storm created by others,

But the demons that reside in their own minds

They see them all in me.

FEELING FEELINGLESS

I think I shall begin to feel things again,

Even though they will involve only pain,

With feelings I feel so alive,

This sensory overload is making me strive,

The emptiness I am feeling the cause is heartbreak,

This numbness I am feeling is putting my thought process at stake,

What did I do to deserve this.. I just loved,

But my heart can’t take any more pain

So it broke and I am feeling perturbed.

MARSHY WATERS

I can’t create anything anymore,

I am feeling stuck in the similar patterns,

Trying to come out of the marshy waters,

I try to push through the mud with limbs n cry,

But all in vain,

Then an idea striking my mind,

Rather than getting out of it,

I shall stay quiet and calm,

I will slide through this as well,

Feeling free in the air of happiness,

Even after all this pain.

My kind of love..

Walking on eggshells in the name of somebody’s ‘care’,

Being questioned about your every move here and there,

Where acceptance comes after perfectionism,

Where life is lived after someone’s permission,

Is not love and never my kind of love.

Where him and I enjoy n thrive equally, unitedly as well as separately,

Where even after staying for a long time apart, trust persists in the heart,

Where no one else’s opinions matter, our mutual understanding is better,

Where we feel so free, we become bound in that freedom’s ecstasy,

That’s my love, that’s my kind of love.

SOUL LEARNING

I don’t know twin flames and soulmates anymore,

I want a love in human form, raw and pure,

Souls gravitate towards each other for sure,

But what they are meant to teach remains obscure,

The time we reach a point of learning a lesson,

Our mind fills with a lot of abrasion,

Those abrasions can’t be undone but can be subdued,

Those lessons can be learnt even whilst the confidence you exude.

The problem is not the confidence here,

The problem is the lack of love,

be pardoned not any to spare,

when the jar of self-love is not filled,

How can in loving any other one be skilled.

Self soul searching is the root of being aware,

Anything comes after this in the life’s stair.

WHAT TRANSFORMATION FEELS LIKE??

Do you ever feel like you have totally changed?? Like something died inside of you and something else is being born. You feel so weak for months and then day by day you start realizing that you have grown stronger than ever. You can bear a lot but at the same time you won’t allow anyone to hurt you, deceive you, betray you or make a fool out of you. You still have those good values that believe in humanity, brotherhood, integrity, etc. but you have become so dignified that almost nobody can shake you?? You don’t feel needy anymore. You don’t crave anything anymore. You don’t have care about what bad intentions anyone can have towards you. You just don’t care. You don’t care about who is thinking what about you, who is misunderstanding what about you, who is trying to figure you out, who is trying to mislead you, who is trying to guide you in the right direction, who is leaving you, who is trying to tarnish your image; you simply don’t care about anything. Literally about nothing and nobody. You don’t know where you are going but still in your heart and soul you can feel that you are going somewhere very beautiful; towards a very peaceful, successful and love-filled future. Something that feels very powerful, very transformative. You start crying out of nowhere, your body shakes and shivers out of nothing, you feel empty, you feel all the emotions at the same time, anxiety kicks you so hard, your heart keeps breaking over and over again, you feel mentally disturbed a lot, you feel like nothing is working and then when you really hit the rock bottom and feel like you have lost everything like your life has ended, it has no meaning, you are useless, you don’t know what to do, you have your plans but still you don’t work for them, you start remembering all of your traumas and count all of your failures and remember all the lives you have lost in your life, and then suddenly you go silent, completely silent. That silence guides you. It makes you flow with the universe. It works as a form of surrender. But then you begin to send affirmations to the universe about what you want, how you want it, and exactly at what time you are going to get it. And, it starts happening. You suddenly begin to work on yourself. You don’t even care if you are depressed, happy, angry, sad or whatever, you just don’t care. You become so strong mentally that you begin to think that whatever will happen I will handle it.

You are born to learn a few lessons at different points in your lifetime, thus you may go through all this every single time. The stronger and older your soul, the harder your lessons will be.

Is it a Loner’s Syndrome?

Why do I find it so difficult to be happy. I struggle not because something is wrong, I struggle because I am afraid to be happy because whenever my hopes rise, I fall down again so badly, be it in any sphere of my life. Even if I feel everything is getting better, I begin to feel anxious, being uncertain about the outcome is some other level in that. Everything that has to happen will unfold in its own way, that’s the universal flow but I am always confused whether to go with it or not. Things are falling at the right place but my fear or anticipation of something wrong to happen eats me up. Why can’t I live normally. Watching my love, family and friends happy brings me so much of joy. Also, whenever I am on my own I am so much at peace. It’s only when I think about being dependent on somebody for my happiness is when this fear arrives, I feel like they will leave and that happiness will vanish soon. Also, I feel guilty of being happy, I don’t know why. Sometimes, I feel like I manifest my own unhappiness in relation to others, though I really want to be completely in connection with someone. “What can I do to get out of this ‘loner’s syndrome’? the term I have just thought of..” “Why is it that I am at my mental best when I am at my emotional worst and at my mental worst when I am at my emotional best??” Seems like I am my own enemy.

WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE CONTROLLING?

CONTROL ISSUES.. Something most of the people don’t understand in the real sense. You may think that somebody is trying to control you, physically or psychologically, but in reality the people trying to have a control over others have no control over their own life.

Always observe who is trying to control his/her own behaviour and who is trying to control that of others. Reasons can range from very innocent to malignant in the mind of that person(s) and it is highly likely that they don’t have any idea why they have such issues. Most probably they feel lost in their own world and feel like everything is falling apart, so they try to settle everything and everyone around them, apart from their own self. It might also become a kind of addiction of being ‘a helper’ because subconsciously they need to divert their mind from their own world, family, friends, love, career etc. There is indeed something really misplaced in their life, that’s why they think that they are doing the right thing by fixing others. People with least self-control or least control over their own life have a tendency to control others and situations related to others the most.

I am saying this out of my own experience and as an observer. I had this kind of addiction for a few years which ended about 4-5 years ago. And now I have observed the same in a few people.

So, what you can do when you observe ‘a fixer’ in your life??

1. ASK THEM QUESTIONS-Ask them if they themselves are okay? We project our inner world on the outside world and if somebody is finding a problem in us, it most probably is a problem they could not find out in themselves. Eg. (A) “I think you are in pain.” “No, I am not.” Here the first one himself/herself might be in psychological pain. (B) “Nobody understands you.” “I don’t even care.” Here, the first one feels like nobody understands them. Ask them questions or reply very subtly but directly and in a non-attacking form. Only ‘are you okay?’ can be sufficient sometimes but not always. Others can be “I am finding this in you actually. Is it true?” But do it (ask) only if you have ample time to listen to the answers because insufficient attention or interest taken may make them feel like either you are doing them a favour or are just trying to use them to pass your time.

2. CHOOSE UNDERSTANDING– If they are unwilling to tell you anything, then understand that they either don’t trust you with their delicate information or they simply don’t want to touch upon a subject. Do not push things further even in the other direction like trying to act like everything is fine on their side just because they have not told you anything. Here, just saying “I am all ears to listen to your story if you want to tell anything anytime” can also work pretty fine but say “anytime” only if you can be available to them like that, otherwise describe a specific time like “I am free at ____am/pm, just in case you want to talk” or anything like that will work.

3. READ THE CUES BUT DON’T OVERLY ANALYZE THEM- You might be surprised to know that sometimes we begin to over-analyze everything way too much. The one who seems to be controlling us or a situation in our life is actually trying to learn what would work for him/her in such a situation. The solution finders are learners and vice-versa. But if they seem to interfere a lot directly or indirectly, you can straight up tell them about it, but do it politely. Mostly we become so afraid of being controlled that we tend to be over-critical of others who even try to help us because we think that we don’t need help and end up controlling them rather. That’s why you need to be aware of the ones trying to control others, it might be possible that they themselves are afraid of being controlled. The helper needs help. But remember that primarily you have to take their words at their face value because you cannot press upon them to reveal anything. Respect privacy.

I could not think of other measures at the moment. Suggestions will be most welcome. THANKS. 🙂

TRANSFORMATION PHASE IS THE REAL PAIN BUT SO WORTH IT !

Going through all the pain I have earned only self-respect and learned only gratitude. The pain that I can’t even explain, just tears start flowing through my eyes any time, like literally I have not cried this much in my entire life like I did this year. Something in me has finished so badly but I know something very good has begun to grow. I have gone through tranformation phases many times in my life but this one is one of its kind. My body shakes a lot like I can literally sense my old energy leaving my body. That stuck energy that used to tolerate a lot of shit. That energy had the sense of inadequacy all the time despite achieving many things. That ‘Not Good Enough’ energy. That energy that had traumas of many family members’ death, family abandonment, many physical ailments, loss of relationships and friendships, depression of more than two decades. That energy that used to feel that I deserved whatever I was going through. The energy of complete worthlessness of good things in life.

I had such a great fear of losing people that I could put up with any kind of behaviour, any kind of manipulation, narcissism, that despite knowing the truth I was always apologetic just because I did not want to lose someone. The problem was that nobody taught me how to love myself, I was the unwanted child who was always conditionally loved.

But now, I am letting go of all that energy. I am letting go of all the people that ever made me feel like I had to put up with their any kind of shit just for the sake of keeping a relationship or a friendship. I know my worth. I know what I am, what I want to be, and what kind of people I deserve in my life and to get all that I will always use my ways, be it silence, be it pure love or be it arrogance or cruelty. RIP to all the dead relationships and friendships. There is not a single person on this earth that can make me into anything, shake me or break me. I am thriving on my Karma !! And I am so so grateful to the universe for all those experiences; because of them I have gained this much Strength and am transforming into a Someone New.

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