TRANSFORMATION PHASE IS THE REAL PAIN BUT SO WORTH IT !

Going through all the pain I have earned only self-respect and learned only gratitude. The pain that I can’t even explain, just tears start flowing through my eyes any time, like literally I have not cried this much in my entire life like I did this year. Something in me has finished so badly but I know something very good has begun to grow. I have gone through tranformation phases many times in my life but this one is one of its kind. My body shakes a lot like I can literally sense my old energy leaving my body. That stuck energy that used to tolerate a lot of shit. That energy had the sense of inadequacy all the time despite achieving many things. That ‘Not Good Enough’ energy. That energy that had traumas of many family members’ death, family abandonment, many physical ailments, loss of relationships and friendships, depression of more than two decades. That energy that used to feel that I deserved whatever I was going through. The energy of complete worthlessness of good things in life.

I had such a great fear of losing people that I could put up with any kind of behaviour, any kind of manipulation, narcissism, that despite knowing the truth I was always apologetic just because I did not want to lose someone. The problem was that nobody taught me how to love myself, I was the unwanted child who was always conditionally loved.

But now, I am letting go of all that energy. I am letting go of all the people that ever made me feel like I had to put up with their any kind of shit just for the sake of keeping a relationship or a friendship. I know my worth. I know what I am, what I want to be, and what kind of people I deserve in my life and to get all that I will always use my ways, be it silence, be it pure love or be it arrogance or cruelty. RIP to all the dead relationships and friendships. There is not a single person on this earth that can make me into anything, shake me or break me. I am thriving on my Karma !! And I am so so grateful to the universe for all those experiences; because of them I have gained this much Strength and am transforming into a Someone New.

WHY THE GOOD ONES ALWAYS LEAVE

Now I understand why the good ones always leave.

Because their efforts are never matched; if ever they do, it’s scarce.

Because they put so much of good intentions for the other that they feel the void of having left with no energy for themselves.

Because they put up with so many discriminatory situations of which the other person wouldn’t put up with even the half.

Because they get so frustrated of ignorance and abandonment that they start doubting their own existence or worth.

Because they get so tired of giving that they are left with nothing to give anymore.

So, in the end, they leave, completely exhausted.

How people see an intuitive person and what the reality is.

I am intuitive.” What does it mean when anybody says that they are intuitive? Many people assume that if somebody is intuitive naturally or psychic (though psychic is a different topic), then he/she must be knowing everything that is going on. No ! That’s far from the truth.

Strong intuition does not mean a movie playing in the back of one’s mind. If one says that it happens like this, then it probably is delusion. Strong intuition actually works like a Needle Poking in One’s Gut or A Thunder Hitting One’s Mind, that too very randomly. Most of the times, say 80-90% of the times, that person has no idea what’s going on around him/her, unless he/she is an empath also; because empaths can catch vibes pretty easily.

The moment somebody says that he/she is intuitive, some people (mostly the sensory types from the Myers-briggs personality typology) begin to test that person if he/she can get what they are doing. Here, I want to clear again that an intuitive person really doesn’t know what other people are doing unless those people have that person’s attention all the time or that one is in connection with oneself for a very long period of time or is connected to the universe intensely and deeply.

Those testing people give the intuitive person both good and bad vibes to see his/her reaction but they do not get that one can choose to react or not to react even though that person has got to know about something. Sometimes, when that person chooses not to react, then they give subtle hints by using words’ terminology or gestures that they normally use and about which that person is generally well-acquainted with. They do it for reasons known to themselves only but it has nothing to do with their “connection” with that intuitive person because in reality they make it very obvious for that person to know who is doing what, and which any normal person can acknowledge with some general observational skills. Whereas, some people test that person by hiding their behaviour in the best possible ways they can, which involves using fake accounts, taking help of other people, fake phone calls, to name a few. Reasons for that kind of behaviour can be both-good or/and bad, which depends from person to person. But it happens. And, there is nothing good or playful or funny or helpful in doing that because it wastes a lot of energy and causes hell lot of anxiety, stress and frustration to the intuitive type (saying this from my personal experience). Thus, people should learn how to behave and where to draw the line, even good intentions can end up in bad results.

Thanks.

For me, what silence is.

Silence for me is more than peace. It is my life force. I have stayed silent for more than 98% of my life. Whenever I talk to anyone, be it any person howsoever close or howsoever good, my anxiety kicks in. It might have something to do with the past or maybe I am born this way to live like this only. I might have a storm going on inside me while staying quiet, but it still feels better than talking. I know when I talk or share my information with anyone I am not at peace with myself except a very few people with whom when I talk my vibes match so well. And, there is rarely anyone with whom I like to talk day and night.

I really don’t have perfect words to describe how I feel when I am silent. It’s like I feel very authentic when I embrace silence. I know myself the best just like everybody knows himself/herself but it is something more than that, I feel connected with the Universe or God or whatever name The Creator can be given, when I am too quiet. I can bear and have borne the deepest of my pains in silence and when I feel a little fine with talking to anyone but am still in pain or healing, my anxiety peaks. One of the reasons for this is that people feel like they know me more than I know myself or that they can apply general behavioural principles on me, but they fail to realize that I have gone through so much and have figured out so many possible solutions on my own by now that whenever any problem arises, I know what I have to do. It’s that I don’t like to take help, my silence helps me the most, when I draw into myself and ask for help from the universe. Yes, anxiety still persists, but it lessens to a good extent. Pain also persists but I can bear it. And, it’s not that I like or love pain, I just accept it and let it pass through me so that I can finally get rid of it. Wounds heal sometimes as a result, though not always. But I am learning to unlearn the old survival patterns. I am learning to grow. I am learning to be better than ever before. I am still not there but I will be some day. But what I really dislike is when anyone tries to guide me in a particular direction to find a solution of a problem which they percieved in me. No I really don’t need it. Maybe I have not been going through it or maybe I have already found the solution. Guiding me generally is what I welcome but perceiving a problem about me and then guiding me regarding it is something that makes me more anxious. It’s not that I don’t like to connect with others, actually I love to connect but it’s strange that I catch certain vibes so easily. I don’t get to know easily what’s there in somebody’s mind but I certainly catch any (almost all) kind of vibes. I don’t know why am I made like this but silence makes me feel connected with myself more than anything else and ultimately with some others too.

Untitled something for him.

I can let him go

if that will make him happy,

Even from a distance

seeing him happy makes me happy,

Though I feel he is not at his best,

his eyes are narrating a different story,

still trying to figure out life,

I wish with time he taps into all his glory.

The bond that we had I still have I feel,

We might end up breaking apart,

But that bonding that feeling even he can’t steal.

For what I have for him,

I fall short of words every time I try to write,

It’s not what he looks like or what he does,

It’s who he is that feels so right.

It’s not the first time I am writing for him,

I just could not show him my feelings ever,

I thought I didn’t need to

we were best friends,

I could apprehend this distance never.

I am not feeling any void,

I am feeling more whole than ever,

Some influences created the chaos in the journey,

Some people entered, snatching him, they could do it, they are clever,

I will let him go if I have to,

But won’t cheat on our bond ever.

Ego versus self-respect.

When you break somebody’s big ego, he/she will do anything in his/her capability to strengthen it again. No stone will be left unturned. Every fiber of that person’s being will call him/her to retaliate with anything and everything possible. Physical qualities, mental capabilities, charm, social influence, even misery will be displayed. This is the power and reaction of a fragile ego.

But it does not know the strength of self-respect. Self-respect does not compete and one cannot lose what one doesn’t compete for. Self-respect does not break, it is such a little part of one’s personality yet so strong like a diamond that it cannot be broken. Self-respect does not do anything to bring itself back to normal, it doesn’t actually need to because it’s unshakeable, calm and compost. And last but not the least, self-respect is so strong that it can break the biggest and strongest of ego.

Why She Has To Stand Tall

Why she has to stand tall,
She has learnt it the hard way.
She knows no tireness,
She knows no emotions,
She knows no relations,
She knows no remorse,
is all they think or say.
They see the obvious no doubt,
She chooses to show this side,
How indignant she felt at their thoughts,
She mostly chose to hide.
The times she showed remorse,
It was swayed with jestly innuendo;
The times she showed any emotion,
It was numbed with somebody else’s illusive emo-crescendo;
The times she showed tireness,
She was deemed to not rest but grind;
The times she valued relations,
She only got disappointments and no one of her kind.

Dark night is the light for you..

Stars and sky make me feel why

You’re gone to dusk

Any light, illuminating earthy life

appreciates slumber to you

Dark and daunting, to anybody is haunting

is your life’s greatest treasure.

Darkness in the souls

Needing shine of the sun to bathe in

Find slumber in the dusk.

When you seek the light

you know darkness has it

though faraway, in the farthest skies

You see through it,

like free-flowing soul, through the universe

there in the night skies lies shining bright light.

Reality and its foes

Reality wants stark nakedness,

Its foes want it to be poise,

The poise being another tact,

So that truth couldn’t make a noise.

They urge control on it, needing it to slumber,

shackling it in an unseen corner of mind,

It has the purity, the depth, and the calmth,

to be unheard and still thrive in its purest kind.

Only love..

They were breathing love,
with the calmness of the night ocean.
Their feelings like free birds,
were guiling every boundary.

Beknown of everything but the fate of love,
feeling the rain of every emotion;
not taking the vows of world absurd,
reigning thoughts of the otherwise, coming secondary.

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