Something constant.

I don’t need reasons to be happy, I need reasons to be sad or depressed and I never go on looking for those reasons. That’s why I avoid most people. I am a happy, productive and entertaining person basically but outside energy always (and I really mean ALWAYS) becomes a block or a shadow over my positive n optimistic personality, and then I cannot get rid of it for weeks or months. I have traumas that I still haven’t talked about to a single person on earth (literally nobody even if a few of you know many of my secrets, still there are some things I never tell anyone; neither family, nor bestest of friends in the past nor even a therapist) but I know really well how to give it my all to my future rather than sulking in the past. Attachments happen but I can easily get rid of it, basically being a detached person. Failures happen but I usually have 2-3 more plans after that. My life flows generally as I expect it to. But outside energy always happens to be a block or a shadow over my positives. If I keep any person away, he/she has directly or indirectly added blocks in my life. Why would anyone think that I’d like to invite the same kind of energy in my life again??? I really am not interested in Jumping in the mud or letting people throw it at me and then waste my time n energy in cleaning myself of it whereas the best option always is to look at it, ignore and avoid it and move forward. I don’t know how other people’s mind work, but if they don’t get this basic thing, then it’s completely their problem. I want to keep somebody close who can be equally positive, clear-minded and productive, provided I have not seen the otherwise in them in the past, although everybody can change into the former kind but probability is uncertain to me, and I avoid uncertainty now. I don’t want somebody to give me anything or to add anything to my life, be it happiness or love or anything materialistic. I just want AN EQUAL who knows how to take care of himself, can be happy on his own, manage well his possessions, be productive most of the time, love by heart n soul, has got rid of his past traumas or wounds and related defence mechanisms (although more or less those defences always stay there but it can be dealt with sensibly) and is very clear about what he wants from me, from himself, his career n life in general, so that we can thrive together rather than any of us being a burden on the other. PURE PARTNERSHIP, NEITHER OWNERSHIP NOR PARENT-CHILD DYNAMIC.

(Written and first published on 9th October, 2020)

SHALLOW WATERS

Trying to find the depth of love,

I fell into shallow waters.

(9th feb, 2020)

A LETTER TO MY FATHER..

Dearest and The Best Papa,

I wish so badly that you were still here. You were such a great guide to me, A guide, friend and philosopher; and such a beautiful human being, so helpful, knowledgeable, intelligent, disciplinarian, understanding, selfless and humble and most of all, an examplary father. I cannot praise you enough. I tried to imbibe a lot of your traits, though unsuccessfully. You are still an epitome of strength to me and your absence will always feel like a big hollow in my heart and void in my soul. Surely, we are connected by soul but your humanly wisdom is what I miss a lot and most of all, your quite presence that always encouraged me to do better n better every single time I looked at you. You were my inspiration. Despite having so many hardships in life, you always had a smile on your face, depth in your eyes and hustle in your body and mind and not giving up in your spirit. I used to gain strength just after having a look at you, and if not that, you used to push me to do better and never give up. I know life was not fair to you. It never was till your last breath. Also, I want to apologize to you for not standing upto the mark.

I can never forget the day when I did not have the book during one of my last semester exams ‘law and medicine’, you did not let me know that you were out there in the markets of mumbai walking here and there for hours under the scorching heat, despite having cancer, not having eaten anything whole day, just to find that one book that was unavailable. That day I felt so helpless because I knew you’d do anything for me and I was never doing enough for you. I still feel helpless for that reason that I could never do anything good enough for you except studying, and I know that you also wanted me to do that but the responsibilities any child can take for his/her parents I could never take that. The time I could do that, you died; and that will always feel like a big incapacity on my part.

The thing you wanted the most for me, because I wanted that, I am quitting on that too. I guess, you will understand that too but I wish you were here to guide me better, I am sorry I am being selfish here but I really need you. I miss you so much that I cannot describe it in words. Sometimes I even feel like dying just to meet you. But I will try to be happy because I know you are always around and it makes you happy too, and it’s going to take long for us to meet in the same realm. Nobody can understand me better than you, I can say that without a doubt, we had silent agreements and logical disagreements. Many people say that I am just like you, I feel proud to listen to that but I am nothing near to you, some of your friends even called you a saint, I wish you could know (I think you heard them) and I cannot agree more.

In the end, I only want to say that I got blessed with a father like you and got cursed with your absence, but truly, you have been the best person I have even known. I wish I could tell you all this when you were alive but I know that you know what and how I feel about you and I wish we could spend this day together for several more years.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.. ❤

-Your proud daughter.

Projective dreams about marriage.

My dreams say that I’ll either revoke my marriage just a few hours before wedding ceremonies or will run away an hour before it bcz it’d be an arranged one and I think there is no reality in it, it is just a portrayal of my thoughts in my dreams, but anyhow, this will happen if the similar situation arises in real. More than 10 similar dreams till date. 🙊 “Anyone trying to fix me with anyone shall proceed with caution if they don’t want such complications or do not proceed further even with all the precautions.” 😂🤣

(Originally posted on 7th dec, 20)

Cheating.

Sometimes generally,

But particularly for the demixesual,

Emotional cheating always equals physical,

Only if you did not share a bed

Doesn’t matter

Giving those emotions to someone else for a long time

You lead your relationship to end dead.

Need to unfuck..

I have seen your five hundred shades of fuckedupness,

But I am sure you have five thousand more,

I’d love to seize the opportunity to know,

Not just for the sake of knowing

But for removing anything about you

From my mind that’s obscure;

Believe me, I don’t want to take your burdens,

I have many of my own,

I just want to uncage you

From the bounds of your own mind,

I want to bury the seeds of love,

Water them with care

So that we can reap the eternal love that is sown.

Mind gripped..

That one tip tracing my every nerve

Pushing me closer to the heaven

Leaving a trail

Making a map,

Of his desire

Over my flushed skin

And ruling my mind

Leaving between us

no gap..

Your spell.

Your furious tongue slithering though my neck,

From here to there,

Touching me at places

Was burning my desire like hell,

Peaking my arousal

Rushing the adrenaline through my veins

Making me feel lost

Under your sensual spell.

No special grants for anyone-Burnt Bridges Forever.

Burnt bridges cannot be re-established.

If any past so-called friend or classmate wants to come back to me after joining hands with people I hated, seriously, know that I am not that stupid to let you in. If I had done that to you, you would have left longer before I did. You people are too sick for my mental health.

Carry on with your COMMUNITY PROGRAMMES OF GOSSIPPING though.

PS- This is for both guys’ and girls’ groups. And I hope no trial will be made by any such group.

Strange but a beautiful dream that felt so real.

It is one of those dreams, those vivid ones that I can feel in real and see or feel very clearly. I am feeling joy, excitement and awkwardness all at the same time sharing it here. I saw it between 4-5 am because I got up at 5 am. I see this kind of energetically real dreams very less but with more or less modification they come true or at least energetically whatever their significance or vibe is, it turns into reality.

Okay, so, coming to the dream real quick. I am in a different place than my native one, probably a village but that’s probably near delhi (I saw the dream with the same topic and same energetic vibe in delhi a few months ago also). I went to a gurudwara, probably Bangla Sahib, did a few general rituals related to prayers that are done in sikhism. In the next flash, I am with somebody with whom I got married without anyone’s knowledge and we are in a village (vibe was either of a village near delhi or somewhere in maharashtra or kerela, I cannot point out exactly because it was a vibe and I cannot explain this kind of dreams too well with surety but they feel so real) hiding from a group of people, probably the people from his side or against him (a group definitely related to him only and we are hiding because of our marriage). That group is not dangerous but we have to hide, I don’t know why, but probable reason is it’s an inter-religion marriage; and I have no idea what his religion is. We probably did court marriage. Now, we are lying closely together, snuggled, I told him, “I am afraid constantly that they will find us.” A bus arrives outside the room in which there are a few people. He says, “don’t worry even if they come, we are together. I have loved you since forever.” I am not lying I have waited for someone to say this to me whole of my life and I am listening to it from somebody who has already become mine (but under a fear?), that’s a beautifully strange feeling of both security and insecurity, pure love and eternal togetherness. Then one by one people have begun coming to us and who are they? First of all enters one of my aunts, with prasad (a religious offering) in her hands, brought from a far off religious place, and she gave both of us blessings and said, “finally, you both have gotten married. I cannot describe my happiness in words. Stay blessed. Stay happy. Stay together.” Okay, so maybe we had aquainted my family that we had gotten married and were staying at that place. Then came my another two aunts, one happy and another’s vibe I could not infer; and then entered one of my college friends from the law college, happy and congratulating me; one south indian hindu priest with a bowl of parsadam, which he hands over to me, and I eat it. I ask my husband where his portion was, to which the priest said that that it was for women only because of the particular ingredients, it is not suitable for men (I have no idea of ‘what and why’ about it because I have never heard of anything like that, I look at him with disbelief and little confusion in my mind about why did I eat it). Then one of my aunts tells me that she has informed his family also and they must be arriving soon. We both(him and I) look at each-other, with a look of anticipation about their reactions but I am sure that that group about which we are afraid is not his family, that’s some outsider group that is against our marriage whereas our families just did not know that we got married. Probably we are going to get married again according to rituals of both of our religions, in the presence of our families.

How and where the marriage happened, I could not see that. I could not even see his face. It was purely a feeling. I know that person, I am so sure that I know him but I don’t know yet who he is because I could not see his face, I could only feel him. You know that feeling when souls get so connected that the looks don’t matter anymore, that kind of feeling; but it was so real. I don’t even know if I have met that person or not, the vibe was just that- a known person, friend or stranger, I don’t know the face or whereabouts of him but I know him. And, by the time I got up, there was no fear of that particular group, just an aching need to know my future partner with whom I have gotten energetically eternally connected, and a beautiful feeling that it is going to be strange and messy in the beginning but our union will continue beautifully. And it is definitely going to be a love marriage.

Strange but a beautiful dream.

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