Lonely

I like it when you are lonely. That is my favourite place for you. When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you. You may as well have taken a knife to your chest, slit it open […]

Lonely

The exact thinking of a narcissist. I have not seen a single victim whose friends or family have not been reached by a narc or whom narc did not surround with his own friend circle. You can actually visualise a normal innocent person standing inside of a circle of a narc’s friends, unable to escape ever. The boundary of the enclosure is adjusted according to the behaviour of the victim. If the victim acts according to the narc, giving him all the narcissistic supply, then the area of the circle is widened, so that the victim can feel like having freedom. But be wary, it is just a false sense of freedom, the victim just doesn’t know where the boundary is set by the narc but slowly and steadily (which may take years) the victim starts feeling that something is wrong, like somebody is pushing triggering buttons and pulling emotional strings when the victim does anything with a free will. Some victims never get to know who that person is. Those who get to know are then discarded by the narc in ways incomprehensible and shocking ways (a different topic) to the victim like a rug got pulled out below the feet. If the victim is impressive to everyone but meek, coy and obedient to the narcissist, this is the perfect dynamic to the narc. If somebody does not show off or others do not know about their achievements, then discarding happens instantly. If somebody is impressive to others and the narc as well, then Love Bombing (a different topic) begins in the initial stages to attract the victim; in the later stages, to pull the victim back into that enclosure of narc and his flying monkeys. Beware, some so-called flying monkeys do not even know that they are being so. Some may be genuine people intricately manipulated by the narc and his similar narcissist allies (different topic). The victims do not get to know from where they are being attacked mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically as well, that’s gaslighting (different topic). Gaslighting the victim inside that enclosure is the perfect dynamic in which either narc can control the victim completely by giving a little bit of attention or affection by himself or by his flying monkeys here and there; or during devaluation the victim is called “crazy” or “psychopath” or “anti-social” or will be called names whatever can work to hit the psyche of the victim to make the victim feel lonely, that too, IN WAYS IN WHICH ANY THIRD PERSON CANNOT KNOW THAT IT’S THE NARC WHO IS SAYING ALL THAT (Hiding his identity during all the criminalistic and psychopathic activities is a narcissist’s biggest trait), and then all those flying monkeys are pulled back in order to make the victim that there is something wrong in their behaviour and to make the victim feel lonely. Even if the victim asks a few of the allies of narc on suspicion of something wrong happening, they try to shun off the victim’s voice and ask “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU??” No wonder the victim will be called crazy for hundreds of times, but Never Publically because that will actually spoil the Fake Image maintained by the narcissist and those who have been helping him under the guise of his fake image will stop helping him for controlling the victim. The whole idea is to control the victim anyhow so that due to loneliness, the victim runs to the narcissist most of the times for support (or to his flying monkeys).

ADVICE:

●Take the cues of being manipulated. Observe when some of your near and dear ones begin to act out of their character that you used to know before.

●Observe keenly before and after what action of whom you get to have reactions from whom and with what tone.

●Observe who jokes in what tone at what time and who questions you about which things (what is unacceptable to you is the key here).

●VERY IMPORTANT: Talk to a trusted family member, as well as a friend, and if possible (which is the best option) talk to a psychotherapist ept in behavioural therapies and who knows about narcissism as well.

●Talk about it openly. Break the chain/circle created by the narcissist around you. Do not trust anyone unless and until somebody tells you the truth that you want to know. Test them by asking about things that you already know and you know that they also know, then you’ll know who is lying and is a part of that circle.

●Do not care about your image. They are still a very few people who maintain a fake image, and you are real. The world is quite big, you will find your tribe some day.

●Once you know who is the culprit and who are the allies, do not change your mind of removing those people from your life. The narcissist never changes as it is an incurable mental disease. Some fluctuations may occur with time and circumstances but that’s about it; the allies are either narcissists themselves, not that much to you though and even in case they are not narcs, they are not your well-wishers, they are narc’s friends, and those who became his allies under the guise of his innocense cannot be trusted as they can be easily manipulated by anyone and as a result can help anyone in manipulating you as well.

●Stay strong. It’s okay to be alone than being in a bad company. Weak people are often found in groups. Even if your precious time got ruined in the narcissistic cycle, it’s still better than ruining your whole life by going back to the same people undeserving of anything from your side.

(First published on 27th sept, 2020)

A LETTER TO MY FATHER..

Dearest and The Best Papa,

I wish so badly that you were still here. You were such a great guide to me, A guide, friend and philosopher; and such a beautiful human being, so helpful, knowledgeable, intelligent, disciplinarian, understanding, selfless and humble and most of all, an examplary father. I cannot praise you enough. I tried to imbibe a lot of your traits, though unsuccessfully. You are still an epitome of strength to me and your absence will always feel like a big hollow in my heart and void in my soul. Surely, we are connected by soul but your humanly wisdom is what I miss a lot and most of all, your quite presence that always encouraged me to do better n better every single time I looked at you. You were my inspiration. Despite having so many hardships in life, you always had a smile on your face, depth in your eyes and hustle in your body and mind and not giving up in your spirit. I used to gain strength just after having a look at you, and if not that, you used to push me to do better and never give up. I know life was not fair to you. It never was till your last breath. Also, I want to apologize to you for not standing upto the mark.

I can never forget the day when I did not have the book during one of my last semester exams ‘law and medicine’, you did not let me know that you were out there in the markets of mumbai walking here and there for hours under the scorching heat, despite having cancer, not having eaten anything whole day, just to find that one book that was unavailable. That day I felt so helpless because I knew you’d do anything for me and I was never doing enough for you. I still feel helpless for that reason that I could never do anything good enough for you except studying, and I know that you also wanted me to do that but the responsibilities any child can take for his/her parents I could never take that. The time I could do that, you died; and that will always feel like a big incapacity on my part.

The thing you wanted the most for me, because I wanted that, I am quitting on that too. I guess, you will understand that too but I wish you were here to guide me better, I am sorry I am being selfish here but I really need you. I miss you so much that I cannot describe it in words. Sometimes I even feel like dying just to meet you. But I will try to be happy because I know you are always around and it makes you happy too, and it’s going to take long for us to meet in the same realm. Nobody can understand me better than you, I can say that without a doubt, we had silent agreements and logical disagreements. Many people say that I am just like you, I feel proud to listen to that but I am nothing near to you, some of your friends even called you a saint, I wish you could know (I think you heard them) and I cannot agree more.

In the end, I only want to say that I got blessed with a father like you and got cursed with your absence, but truly, you have been the best person I have even known. I wish I could tell you all this when you were alive but I know that you know what and how I feel about you and I wish we could spend this day together for several more years.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.. ❤

-Your proud daughter.

A positive thought. ❤

You know the fate is on your side,

When good people are on your side,

When even strangers care,

You are gaining abundance I swear.

To my Karma..🙏

Oh my darling Karma,

I have learnt my lessons really well,

If you are going to indulge me with the same old strife

Just to make the pending karma of others with me gel,

I request you to make them eat their own shit

I am sure they have of it a big deep well

Not interested in taking any friend guised foe in my life again,

Even if it’s written by you they have to pay for my pain,

Throw them far away

Don’t indulge them in my life again.

Who cares?

You’d say you care,

I’d say I don’t,

Still when the reality hit the thought,

I’d care

And you won’t.

I create, don’t hate.

I create and create,

They think I hate,

That must be some anger

For the numbing tragedies of my fate

Whereas I know only how to love

I am profoundly peaceful to others

Though you might hold its symbol dove.

No Regrets..

In the end, I have no regrets,

I did what I could do,

I felt what I could feel,

I expressed what I could,

I behaved how it was allowed,

Now it’s my time to heal.

REMEMBERING THE WHYS

Every time I feel like going back,

I remember the reasons why not to;

For only a new world can be made,

When the old one collapses,

My world shattered and collapsed completely,

Leaving nothing behind than its ruins,

I can remember the beautiful times,

But it’s lost in the remote past,

It could be withheld with an open heart,

Only if they could feel the depth of my feelings

and how much that ocean of love is vast.

Be authentic..

Being real will make you thought provoking to others,

And that’s how you shift paradigms,

By being you,

By showing the real you,

And by sharing the real you,

Even if you feel insufficient you always have something to offer to others to learn it from you,

Even if not exceptionally examplary, you still can be used as an example.

Authenticity always prevails any kind of facade.

DARK SIDE..

Oh Baby, I won’t do you wrong,

One because I don’t like to,

Two because you are too weak for that.

PS- Take this just as a piece of writing. I have nothing as such. It’s just that while writing we can think of things we never do. 🙂And “baby” here is imaginary. 😛