People were so adamant at looking at how I was reacting that nobody, even those who knew what I was going through, thought why I was behaving that way.
I was extremely traumatised and shocked..First because of being ditched by even closest of friends, then for being heart broken, and the most because I lost one of my buas (paternal aunt). She died accidentally. That incident wounded me deeply. I was so much in shock that I started getting up every 20-30 minutes of sleeping. I was so hyper-alert that even the slightest voice could wake me up. For example, if my other aunt even yawned near me or coughed in other room while I was sleeping, I used to get up in an instant. I could not handle her going away from my sight because it had ingrained in my psyche that anything could happen anytime. I was afraid to the core of my being of losing any other person that I thought that I would kill myself first on even the hint of any such event ever again.
And then there were, the abusers, the psychopaths who are still just into cheap thrills. I am sure they cannot change. They are weak to their core and they don’t even know it. I used to give reactive responses because my triggers were overly active, due to fresh deep wound of losses and I needed a lot of healing.
Many people can see an evident difference now between how I behaved last year and how I am behaving now. But, it doesn’t mean that I have changed completely or nothing can trigger me now. I can snap back any time but most of the times, I am confident about behaving differently. But…. it’s always a no for the abusers. I am not into self-sabotaging by going back and forth on being abused by others and self-healing. I want to heal completely and choose better and better every single time. They can stay in their own place with, misery or cheap thrills, whatsoever.
Last but not the least, if I didn’t ask for help to anyone for my healing, they should not come to experience my healed self’s energy, and if for heaven’s sake anyone who abused me in any way in those times or made fun of me, they should go to hell.