Suicidal thoughts experienced.

I want to share a part of my experiences for one more time related to suicidal thoughts because of this wave of mental health issues and advices shared due to Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise.

Why do I mostly refer to narcissism and psychopathy related to it the most? Why do you think that it has ingrossed so much inside of me and I observe such traits a lot?? It is because I have gone through that a lot.. I would even name those people responsible for my suicidal thoughts many a times. A few of you even know who I am going to name, so just AT and AT(two different people) would suffice.

When they make groups in which there is a so-called cool, charming, so called helpful co-ordinator the one who has dealt with you in any sense. He stalks you, frustrates the hell out of you, making fun of you and your behaviour, body shaming, calling you weird, psycho, idiot, stupid etc. through those accounts, non-cooperative, selfish, non-productive, unremarkable, the one who doesn’t value relationships, a snake/python, somebody having only bookish knowledge, rude, arrogant etc. etc. He does all this through others or fake identities so that there can be no proof against him. This has been my situation. But I would react through my real identity. And when I did respond calmly knowing that those were provocation tactics and thereafter cut every contact with those fake people and fake accounts, I was considered somebody who does not know how to maintain relationships. I knew my truth and to a good extent their truth as well.

I have been stalked not only through social media but through my neighbourers, electrician and driver as well. They thought that I didn’t get to know what’s going on, actually I had no evidence, so I had to keep quiet and carry on with how it was going on but trust me, it drove me insane to the extent that I myself felt like committing suicide because any and every person I tried to connect with, either of those psychopaths stalked that person as well and made that person join hands with them with their fake sweetness that they wanted to help me. I kept on detaching from every such person on whom I had a doubt that he/she was connected to either of these two, because why would I like to be stalked and mentally abused??

That so-called help was something that I had never asked for. I could ask for help from whomsoever I wanted myself. They just wanted to control me because they had the best source and way i.e. groupism through manipulation of minds. I could a lot of the times sense that they either wanted me to be on their side or they were in competition with me. That competition was about behaviour, they wanted to seem better than me in dealing with others. One of them always wanted to look better than me in intellect, so he always targetted my intellect only; the other one wanted to get *the best* one, if not me, then his partner was brought in competition with me. Snarky comments, taunting, accusing me for things that were actually my rights to do i.e. creating boudaries with them. One of them trying to play the pity party that I did never help him, though initially I was the one who always asked him what his problems were, but he never told, and when I stopped asking, he accused me of being insensitive for not being considerate to him for his so-called help. Let me explain what his help was- I had shared my family related trauma to him (twice), once when he himself shared his first and second time the next year. Okay, so just listening to me this much was a lot of help from his side?? And he always indirectly accused me that I could not understand him. Understand what?? His psychotic shit of stalking, lying, cheating, 3 gfs or multiple sex stories?? Sorry, but I cannot understamd what he meant by the word ‘understand’. He actually has always been in competition since day one because he feels like the most intellectual and most cooperative. He even hates Scorpio zodiac sign because I have scorpio moon sign(western astrology). LOL Sick AF. And whichever account I follow on instagram, he somehow (with fake accounts) try to connect with them as well, making them post stuff that can hit my psyche. And, in the end he wants to feel like he is the only caring one in my life. (Cut me some slack. I know you hate me.)

So, because of such instances I got detached from almost everyone including my school friends, college friends, online friends, I can’t even trust my neighbourers, electrician and driver anymore. Who knows my email id has also been hacked which I made public (unsure about this). I felt so lonely as I could not trust even a single person around. Even I had to break ties from my best friend of years (gaurav) as well. I used to share almost each and everything with him, things that I could never tell even my family members, I had that much trust on him but he as well ditched me by helping these psychopaths (I still can’t fathom how he got swayed by their psychopathic manipulation). So, I, sometimes, even had to fake sweetness to those on whom I had suspicion that they were connected to either or both of them. The more I did this, the more one of those two (the so called intellectual) began calling me fake, dark, psychopath(everything that actually he was, because he could prove it against me in his group and I could not as I did not have such stupid groups of Flying Monkeys).

Even now, whatever I say or do anywhere on social media, he reacts to it in any way possible. I have no other way than ignoring all that crap. For this reason, out of fear of not invoking reactions anymore or being compared with other girls (which is both of their nature i.e. making comparisons), I decreased my activities on social media as well interaction with any person. It was more like if I said I knew everything then I was hallucinating, if I acted like I knew nothing, then I was stupid or ignorant; basically according to them there was something wrong with me all the time and they were the helper.

Groupism in the name of cooperation,comparisons and breaking one’s boundaries are strong traits of narcissistic psychopathy. You will always find the victim lonely, depressed and seething angry from the inside as a result.

I want to say that it is not only about depression, it is more about not finding a way out of a suffocating situation that forces one to commit suicide as it creates a constant state of hopelessness in one’s mind. No matter how good one is doing in one’s life otherwise in terms of money, status, accomplishments, looks or how much strong one is mentally, etc., when one is forced to be controlled and isolated for years directly or indirectly, be it from family, friends, colleagues or otherwise, then it definitely creates an eternal void in someone’s mind. It is not about mental strength or mental weakness, it is more about not wanting to deal with an unbearable situation anymore, one loses hope about having any other possibility. Lucky are those who find the alternatives and tend to keep going.

Author: Angry Bird

A dope soul and deep mind with a hot temper.

11 thoughts on “Suicidal thoughts experienced.”

  1. Let people talk what they want, they had mouth so definitely they gonna talk thousands of talks of you. If they had guts then they talk on your face, if they talks behind your back then you have no right to interfere in their matter.. Learn to let go, suicide isn’t the option.. Himalaya is a beautiful, go there by leaving all back and be a saint, but if you commits suicide it’s the dishonor of God!!
    I just wants to talk one people who thinks suicide is an option, like how, remove those who depress you, human or matters whatever it will be…
    But literally I just can’t understand the mindset of those people!!
    And I don’t expect this from you too mate, sorry if my words hurts you or any reading this!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha.. your words didn’t hurt me. Actually, this is the exact thought pattern that has saved me till date..That rather than removing yourself from the world, one can live alone for some time, remove those people from one’s life and be positive about finding new good ones. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, exactly why to remove our existence when we are capable enough to remove others?
        Good decision taken by you, 🤗🤗
        Please never do this kind of act, and always try to stop others too!!

        Like

    2. And I always wish that I could save a few more people by letting them know that giving up on people is much much better than giving up on yourself because you really matter or will matter to many others..
      But sadly, in my experiences, many of whom I tried to help turned out to be those mentioned fake accounts only who were more into testing me and my thoughts and behaviour, so I could not help much of those who actually needed help.
      Whereas those whom I did help, they more or less depended upon me almost completely like I had no life of my own, and never did even think that I could also be in depression and problems, so I detached from them as well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely true act, let people aware that they are more capable than others which try to down yourself.. Their banter, sarcasm, troll has limit but, the humanity reside in us must immortal!! 🤗🤗

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yeahhh.. But it feels sick when you find out in the end that you tried to save somebody but it was actually a test for you..and you actually did nothing to help anyone genuinely needing it and just wasted your time for no reason on a psycho.

          Apart from that, I still do try to help whenever I am good myself..
          🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. But that’s not mean we have to kill our humanity. If they feel happy for some moments by doing so, let them.
            People can try to broke us, but they forget the mirror which broken already can’t be broke again!!🤗🤗

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Loving your thoughts.. 😇
              But some people take tolerance and silence as weakness and sooner or later one has to stand up against their shit. I tried the first method for years, it didn’t work which actually put me in the situation of suicidal thoughts..
              Silence n tolerance works against only those who do it to somebody once or a couple of times n then stop n mind their own business. Psychopaths just take it as a signal to move to the next step of controlling, trolling n frustrating.

              Like

              1. Yeah, there are many peoples who take our silence as weakness, but they forget the more you press the spring, the double it responds…😀😀
                Just remove those people from your life and learn to be happy even in most difficult times, stay safe senior!!😀

                Liked by 1 person

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