CONTROL ISSUES.. Something most of the people don’t understand in the real sense. You may think that somebody is trying to control you, physically or psychologically, but in reality the people trying to have a control over others have no control over their own life.
Always observe who is trying to control his/her own behaviour and who is trying to control that of others. Reasons can range from very innocent to malignant in the mind of that person(s) and it is highly likely that they don’t have any idea why they have such issues. Most probably they feel lost in their own world and feel like everything is falling apart, so they try to settle everything and everyone around them, apart from their own self. It might also become a kind of addiction of being ‘a helper’ because subconsciously they need to divert their mind from their own world, family, friends, love, career etc. There is indeed something really misplaced in their life, that’s why they think that they are doing the right thing by fixing others. People with least self-control or least control over their own life have a tendency to control others and situations related to others the most.
I am saying this out of my own experience and as an observer. I had this kind of addiction for a few years which ended about 4-5 years ago. And now I have observed the same in a few people.
So, what you can do when you observe ‘a fixer’ in your life??
1. ASK THEM QUESTIONS-Ask them if they themselves are okay? We project our inner world on the outside world and if somebody is finding a problem in us, it most probably is a problem they could not find out in themselves. Eg. (A) “I think you are in pain.” “No, I am not.” Here the first one himself/herself might be in psychological pain. (B) “Nobody understands you.” “I don’t even care.” Here, the first one feels like nobody understands them. Ask them questions or reply very subtly but directly and in a non-attacking form. Only ‘are you okay?’ can be sufficient sometimes but not always. Others can be “I am finding this in you actually. Is it true?” But do it (ask) only if you have ample time to listen to the answers because insufficient attention or interest taken may make them feel like either you are doing them a favour or are just trying to use them to pass your time.
2. CHOOSE UNDERSTANDING– If they are unwilling to tell you anything, then understand that they either don’t trust you with their delicate information or they simply don’t want to touch upon a subject. Do not push things further even in the other direction like trying to act like everything is fine on their side just because they have not told you anything. Here, just saying “I am all ears to listen to your story if you want to tell anything anytime” can also work pretty fine but say “anytime” only if you can be available to them like that, otherwise describe a specific time like “I am free at ____am/pm, just in case you want to talk” or anything like that will work.
3. READ THE CUES BUT DON’T OVERLY ANALYZE THEM- You might be surprised to know that sometimes we begin to over-analyze everything way too much. The one who seems to be controlling us or a situation in our life is actually trying to learn what would work for him/her in such a situation. The solution finders are learners and vice-versa. But if they seem to interfere a lot directly or indirectly, you can straight up tell them about it, but do it politely. Mostly we become so afraid of being controlled that we tend to be over-critical of others who even try to help us because we think that we don’t need help and end up controlling them rather. That’s why you need to be aware of the ones trying to control others, it might be possible that they themselves are afraid of being controlled. The helper needs help. But remember that primarily you have to take their words at their face value because you cannot press upon them to reveal anything. Respect privacy.
I could not think of other measures at the moment. Suggestions will be most welcome. THANKS. 🙂