Silence for me is more than peace. It is my life force. I have stayed silent for more than 98% of my life. Whenever I talk to anyone, be it any person howsoever close or howsoever good, my anxiety kicks in. It might have something to do with the past or maybe I am born this way to live like this only. I might have a storm going on inside me while staying quiet, but it still feels better than talking. I know when I talk or share my information with anyone I am not at peace with myself except a very few people with whom when I talk my vibes match so well. And, there is rarely anyone with whom I like to talk day and night.
I really don’t have perfect words to describe how I feel when I am silent. It’s like I feel very authentic when I embrace silence. I know myself the best just like everybody knows himself/herself but it is something more than that, I feel connected with the Universe or God or whatever name The Creator can be given, when I am too quiet. I can bear and have borne the deepest of my pains in silence and when I feel a little fine with talking to anyone but am still in pain or healing, my anxiety peaks. One of the reasons for this is that people feel like they know me more than I know myself or that they can apply general behavioural principles on me, but they fail to realize that I have gone through so much and have figured out so many possible solutions on my own by now that whenever any problem arises, I know what I have to do. It’s that I don’t like to take help, my silence helps me the most, when I draw into myself and ask for help from the universe. Yes, anxiety still persists, but it lessens to a good extent. Pain also persists but I can bear it. And, it’s not that I like or love pain, I just accept it and let it pass through me so that I can finally get rid of it. Wounds heal sometimes as a result, though not always. But I am learning to unlearn the old survival patterns. I am learning to grow. I am learning to be better than ever before. I am still not there but I will be some day. But what I really dislike is when anyone tries to guide me in a particular direction to find a solution of a problem which they percieved in me. No I really don’t need it. Maybe I have not been going through it or maybe I have already found the solution. Guiding me generally is what I welcome but perceiving a problem about me and then guiding me regarding it is something that makes me more anxious. It’s not that I don’t like to connect with others, actually I love to connect but it’s strange that I catch certain vibes so easily. I don’t get to know easily what’s there in somebody’s mind but I certainly catch any (almost all) kind of vibes. I don’t know why am I made like this but silence makes me feel connected with myself more than anything else and ultimately with some others too.